doinit4me's Journal - - Adoption Journal, Story, Experience, Blog

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Journalist: doinit4me	Status: Public
Entries: 82 (Private: 0)	Comments: 38
Start Date: 01-10-2008	Last Updated: 02-06-2009
Views: 2413

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# 1

1/10/08

Date Posted: 01-10-2008 at 10:41 AM

This is the best site ever! I found this around the middle of Dec and have become addicted to it. I have posted a few times but after reviewing what I've written (especially this last time) have come to the conclusion that I just need to write down things for myself.
Let's start out with my upbringing. I was born 10/05/67 in Minneapolis Mn. My aparents adopted me that December. When my parents adopted me, they didn't think they would be able to have children. Little did they know that they were preganant when they got me! So, I have a brother who is less than 9 months my junior. Then they decided to adopt another baby, so my sister came into the picture. (She is not blood related to me.) Then my parents had another biological baby a little over a year after that. So, every other one is adopted and every other one is biological.
From the time I can remember, my parents always told me I was special. That they "chose" me. I never felt like I was any different than their biological kids until I was older. When we were young, the only thing that set me apart was that I was the only one who had brown hair. My father had black hair so everyone said I looked like him. My brother and sisters all had blond hair and since we were all so close in age, many people thought that there were twins or triples in the family. (I was the odd man out.)
As we got older, things started to change. My mom was always very controlling. My father was a pilot so he was away quite a bit. My mom was the youngest out of 8 kids by something like 12 years. She always got her way and always expected her way. If it wasn't her idea, then it was a no go. When my adopted sister (I'll call her Nancy) and I would be in the same room by ourselves, my mom would always make us come out. It was like she was afraid we would talk about her or something. (She never had any issues with any one else, just Nancy and myself.) As we got older, Nancy started rebelling something fierce. If there is such a thing as a black sheep, she was it. Of course, it didn't help matters that both our parents were alcoholics and that things would be said and done out of anger to hurt us. One time when "Nancy" and I were outside with our dad, he told us that mom never wanted "Nancy" and that he was the one who wanted her. To this day, she has never forgotten it and doesn't know for sure if it was true or not. Although, if you go by our mom's actions, it wasn't too hard to believe. "Nancy" seemed to go out of her way to do whatever our mom didn't want her to do while I was the one who did everything in my power not to upset anyone.
During our high school years, our mom would drink, get us up late at night and berate "Nancy". She would call her a slut and a whore because "Nancy" would dress provocatively and wear alot of makeup. I never did find out why I had to be there. Maybe to witness it, I don't know. All I know is that the two biological kids were never gotten up. To this day I don't think they believe that it ever happened. Anyway, she would yell at "Nancy" and then tell us to go to bed and get out of her face. Five minutes later, she'd be back in our room to tell us to get out of bed so she could yell some more. To be honest with you, I don't know if my father ever really knew just how bad it got sometimes. I learned really quick not to stand up for Nancy as then her anger would be directed to me.
I remember having to put my mom to bed, telling her that she'd already brushed her teeth umpteen times and had already taken her vitamins too. Many a night I would wonder if this was what my biological parents had hoped for when they'd put me up for adoption. I thought, if they only knew what my life was, they would come and get me. Something I'm sure alot of adoptees go through at some point in their life. Anyway, I was the one who didn't rock the boat. I was quiet, did what I was told and never talked back. My mom was really good at finding out what hurt you the most. For me it was silence. She would give me the silent treatment until I thought I was going to die. I remember one time begging her to ground me or spank me but just talk to me. It was like I didn't exist. Even to this day, she will still "joke" with me on the phone that she has my number on "Ignore". (I can't believe I'm crying while I'm writing this!)
Anyway for the longest time, Nancy and I weren't friends. We hated each other. We were pitted against each other from the beginning. I was the "good" child, she was the "bad" child. The funny thing is she became a very strong woman that I admire very much while I am still very insecure. I always worry about what people think of me while she could give a ****. I always want acceptance while she could go her own way without a thought to anyone. The really strange thing is that out of all 4 kids, we are the two that seem to yearn for our mothers attention more than the others. Crazy huh? You'd think that after all we'd been through, we would have washed our hands of them long ago. We definately seem to have that "love/hate" thing down.
For many years I have been the invisible child. I never made waves. I learned long ago that if you did, bad things happened. You couldn't complain about anything. I'd broken a finger when I was in junior high school. My mom made me practice piano 30 minutes each day. When I'd told her that my finger hurt, she just told me to stop complaining. It was two weeks before she finally took me to a doctor and was told that had I come in right away they would have only had to set my finger. Because of the wait, I had to have surgery. Another time, I'm not sure how old I was junior high or high school, I was at a friends house and pinched the tip off of a finger. They lived right across the street. When it happened, my friends mom found the tip of my finger, stuck it in a baggie, got a towel and wrapped it around my bleeding hand and took me across the street to tell my mom that she was going to take me to the emergency room. My mom had her come in the house and then made me wait outside "and shut the door"! She claims it was because she had the other kids to worry about but all I remember is that not only couldn't I come it but she "shut the door on me." (Not the screen door, the metal one!) Maybe she just couldn't handle it. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it still irks me to this day! I would "NEVER" do that to one of my kids! I can understand it being difficult for her to get the other kids into a car and what not but not to even talk to me and make me feel any better...just to shut the door...what can you say?
While in junior high and high school, I continued to try out for pom poms. For years I never made it. When I finally did, she was so happy for me. Did she ever come to any games to see me? NO. She'd go to other functions like my brother playing hockey. She went to all of those. Mine...no. Oh, one time she went but it was because she had to receive a flower for homecoming or something or other. When I'd bring it up, she'd just say how she didn't like the other girls attitudes or the parents. I always felt like she should be there for me. Not for anything else. Oh, well. Water under the bridge. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. I can't help it. I always will. Guess kids are alot like dogs. You can beat them, but they'll still come back to lick your hand.
In my high school and college years, I used to write alot. It always seemed that I was writing about something sad or depressing. I would always want to read it to my family. My father would get upset with me telling me why can't I write about something happy. I just told him it was easier to write about sadness. I guess that was because I had a lot of it in me. All through my life I've felt like a camillian (spelling?). I would blend in with whoever I was around. I wrote this back in 2000 because I felt that I'd tried to be whatever everyone else wanted me to be for so long that I'd lost who I was.

Image In The Mirror
Mirror, Mirror, in front of me,
Who is the image that I see?
Is it my true identity?
Reflected image that I see.

Mirror, Mirror all aware,
Is my soul reflected there?
Bits and pieces of what I choose
While every day, a part I lose.

Mirror, Mirror, dull and cracked
all of me you can't reflect.
Just a part that day I show,
Bit by bit the rest must go.

Mirror, Mirror I am lost.
For every day I pay the cost,
Of being what the others see
For I have lost all that was me.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall
Who's now the fairest one of all?
Is it the person you now show me?
Or truely the person I was meant to be.

Anyway, that is enough for one day. I will come back to write more later.
Lori

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# 2

1/10 - evening

Date Posted: 01-10-2008 at 09:55 PM

Well, I got the mail today and found out that I'd received a letter from MN Dept of Health. It's been hard because I've been waiting for this uncertain of what the outcome was going to be. Well, here it is...They can't release my original birth record because my bparent hasn't filed consent to disclose the information on my record. It goes on to say they'll be conducting a search for my birth parent and that it will take up to 6 months. "When notified, a parent has the right to file w/in 31 days an affidavit stating that the info on the birth record should not be disclosed."..what the heck does that mean? Does that mean they didn't sign anything saying yeah or ney? What if they don't send the affidavit in w/in 31 days stating "info on my birth records should not be disclosed"? Am I still in the dark? Now it seems I'll have to wait up to 6 months to find out if this happens. I may still be in the same boat as I am now. Do I send away for my non-identifying info and med info? Do I wait? My stomach is just doing flip flops. I have no one to talk to about this. I'd called MN Dept of Vital Statistics this morning to find out how this works and actually, if I think about the conversation, was asking this woman to tell me what I should do.
This is so hard. I have so many feelings and questions but don't know who to talk to or ask. I've thought about putting more threads out there but am afraid that people will look at what I have to say and think I must be nuts. Maybe everyone feels this way but just doesn't say anything. Maybe I'm just so long winded that people are afraid to respond. Could I be more pathetic? God! I'm 40 years old, have 3 beautiful children, a pretty wonderful (if not totally understanding but supportive) husband, I have my life together but this just knocks me down every time.
Anyway, it's late. Just wanted to get some thoughts down.
Lori

# 3

1/11/08 am

Date Posted: 01-11-2008 at 08:03 AM

Thanks Raven. I appriciate the information. It helps to have an idea of what to expect. That's what I was hoping for but I wasn't sure. (The phone calls I've been making have been reaking havok on my phone bill!) LOL! I agree with you too about the information being available. What I don't understand is why it's ok for the information to be available now when it was back then. What makes the years prior to 1977 more secretive than now. Once the gov decided to allow people to obtain their birth certificiates, it should have been open to all. Not only that, but if you have to go through the courts you have to put all your hopes in the possibility of getting a compassionate judge. It should either be allowed or not. Not based on whether the judges sympathises with your plight, has had a good day or bad or has had good or bad experiences with adoption. It is just totally unfair.

I feel that many adoptees are like me. This is not something that I have just decided to do on the spur of the moment. It has taken a lot of thought and soul searching before I felt ready to attempt this. It is my opinion that it is a rare person that says "for snicks and giggles, let's see if I can find my bmom." I also don't believe in my heart of hearts that someone would go searching for a birth parent just to make their life miserable. We just want...need...answers. I have tried to talk to my husband about this. He tries to be supportive, but how can you give advise on something you know nothing about. It's easy to say a piece of paper doesn't change the person you are. And I agree. My life experiences, good and bad, have done that. I like the person I've become. (Sure, there are things about my self I'd like to change but then who doesn't feel like that!) I'm a good person and try to help when I can and be there for people who need me. But that doesn't change the fact that there is still a part of me that is missing.

I've always known I was adopted. It was never a dirty word and I was always told that I was special because I was chosen. However, I've always felt a little disconnected from my family. Like they didn't understand me. I was the kid that would go in my room for hours (they always thought I was studying). I would just think about things. Because I was the oldest and because I made the least amount of "waves" in our family everyone pretty much left me alone because I was "OK". I didn't need the attention because I was the only boy or the troublemaker or the baby of the family. I think in many ways I resented that. I needed the reassuance just as much as they did.

Anyway, years later, I was out with my mom getting fitted for my wedding dress. This was when she told me (totally out of the blue) that she'd received paperwork during the adoption that should have gone to her attorney. In it was the name I'd been given at birth (Theresa Moren though not sure on the spelling) and that I had an older brother. Shocking since I'd never felt like the oldest child! I wonder how many other adoptees were living out of their birth order. (I don't know how else to phrase that.) And if they "felt" like they weren't in the "right position". Does that sound strange? I hope not. But like I said, I never felt like I should be the oldest in the family and many pychologists state that there are differences mentally between a first born, middle born and last child. Maybe it really does go deeper than just "how" you grow up. Anyway, it was like my feelings had been confirmed to a degree. Though from that point on I've really wanted to find out about this brother. I'd like to meet him and find out if I have that "connection" that I haven't felt with my brother and sisters. Would I feel something if I met him? Would there be that instant connection? Who knows. The only sibling I'm close to is Nancy but that is more because we have the adoption thing in common and the experiences that we went through growing up. As much as my mom was afraid to let us have that connection and tried to tear it down, she was the reason that it built up as strong as it did. Again, strange how things work out isn't it? Even to this day she will try to pit us against each other. "Did you know that Nancy said this about your kids?" "Well, Lori agrees with me that you're raising your kids wrong." We have to constantly check ourselves before we become angry with each other and remember who is telling us this. Then we generally call to verify or find out exactly what was said. It's sad some of the things parents do to their kids...even when they become as old as me! LOL!

It's also sad that she will always have this power over me. I was brought up as the obedient one. Yes mom, no mom, whatever you say mom. Please don't shut me out mom. I've be so programed to be dependent on her love that I could never go against her. Believe me I have tried in the past with disasterous results. I think that's why I had such a great relationship with my father. We had our moments. He too was an alcoholic and there were times when he would say mean things..my mother had been drunk one night and fallen on the bathroom tiled floor and hit her head which bleed alot. She was laying in their bedroom "recouping". I was sitting in an armchair before the fireplace starting my homework. My father was drunk and trying to start a fire. He would crawl over to me and tell me my mother was dying. I tried to brush it off. He wasn't totally together. He kept doing this making it worse each time...you're mother's dying, she's almost dead...your mother's dead. At that point I told him that "his" mother was dead, not mine. He grabbed my school work out of my hand and started to ball it up to throw it into the fireplace. I told him if he did he would lose every shred of respect that I'd ever had for him. At that point he threw my stuff at me and told me to get out of his house in not so nice terms. So, I did. Of course he called my friends house and made her dad bring me back home with threats of calling the police... But no matter how bad it got, when he was sober, he was the only one who I could stand up to. I could argue my point (not that it made any difference because it went from God to him to me LOL) but I could argue and I knew that even if we didn't see eye to eye he still loved me. His love wasn't contingent on whether I agreed with him 100% or not. My mother's was. If you weren't with her, you were against her and if you were against her you weren't worthy of her love. I have to admit that as bad as this sounds, it wasn't always this bad. But it is nice to be able to put this down. To not have someone judge me or my parents. I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. It's just how life was. Like I said before, I am the product of my experiences. If I'd had the perfect childhood, maybe I wouldn't be ther person I am today and honestly, I don't think I'm turned out too bad.

# 4

1/13/08

Date Posted: 01-13-2008 at 01:02 PM

Ok, so yesterday I went to the mailbox. There was a letter in it from MN Dept Of Human Services. Now, I'd already received the letter from the Dept of Health stating that I couldn't have my origional birth cert at this time and they would forward it to Dept of Human Services to conduct a search blah, blah, blah. Now I've got a letter from the Dept of Human Services stating that they'd forward my letter to LSS and that they are "sure that you will be hearing from them in the near future." I'm not sure why they would have forwarded this to LSS. Is this what they do in order to conduct the search? Is this something in addition to the search? At the bottom of the letter it does say "Follow-up to request for the Original Birth Record submitted to the Minnesota Dept of Health."
It's just confusing. The letter from MN Dept of health says they forwarded my request to Dept of Human Services, letter from MN Dept of Human Services says follow-up submitted to Dept of Health. UGH! Looks like I'm going to be making some more calls on Monday. This is just so frustrating. They're playing hot potato and I'm the potato. It's enough to give you a headache.
So much is going on in my head right now. I'm not sleeping. It feels like my nerves are exposed and everything is rubbing me the wrong way. I'm agitated with everything and everyone. Hopefully Monday will bring some answers otherwise my family (hubby and kids) might just disown me. I just want something definative. If I hadn't gotten this last letter, I don't think I would be this aggitated. I'd know I had to wait while they searched for my bparent but at least someone would be doing something. The way they worded it, it sounds like they've handed it off to LSS whom I'm sure I'll get a packet of the paperwork to start their ball rolling.
Anyway, I'm just going in circles at this point. I'll just have to wait until I talk to someone tomorrow.
Lori

# 5

1/14/08

Date Posted: 01-14-2008 at 08:38 AM

Well, today is another day. I just phoned MN Dept Of Health to try and find out what is going on with the last letter I received. The one stating they were sending my letter to LSS and at the bottom stated follow-up request for Original Birth Record submitted to the MN Dept of Health. I thought if I could talk to the person who wrote the letter, they could explain to me what exactly is happening with my stuff. Are they still conducting the search? Have I been handed off to LSS? Well, the person I talked to tried to look up the person who signed my letter and they couldn't find them. Now they've given my name, number and infor to someone in the Dept of Human Services to call me back. Boy am I gonna have a huge phone bill this month!
Trying to keep positive but it's getting hard. I really feel for the people who have been searching for years. I don't know if that is something that I can do. I have only been actively searching for a few weeks now and it's tearing me up. Not so much the search itself, but the circles that I seem to be going in. Who's helping me? Can anyone help me? Is there or isn't there information out there? My heart goes out to those who, despite the obstical course they've been asked to run, have continued.
I work better with definatives. I like everything spelled out. I don't want to have to interpret what someone is trying to tell me. I'm too analytical (sp?) and tend to pick things apart. Did they mean this or this? I learned long ago the definition of "assume". So, here I am, making calls and asking people to clarify exactly what they are trying to tell me. Hopefully something will come of it.
I talked to a friend last night who really did help put some things into perspective for me. She is truely one of the "angels" out there. I'd love to be able to say that I can talk to my husband about this but it's hard. He just doesn't understand. He tends to think of the worst case scenarios. I'm not naive enough to think that they never happen. It's just that I don't believe that there are that many of us that would do that. (I tend to look for the best in people. I'm the kind of person that gets burned over and over again and it takes alot for me to finally say enough is enough.) Anyway, my angel helped remind me that I am justified to feel the way that I do. It's nice to find a friend that, even though she isn't adopted, understands how I feel. It's funny because sometimes the people that I would think would understand more than anyone don't. They don't have the urge to locate their biological family and therefore don't always understand why I feel so strongly about locating mine. It's not that they aren't rooting for me but they just don't have the same feelings.
Anyway, I'm going to wait for the phone call and go from there. I have to play this through this time. I have to do what I can to find them. I can't drop the ball or face that file with past attempts. Time will tell.
Lori

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