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Adoption Community Information
| Birthfamily issues! |
Date Posted: 01-16-2008 at 06:52 PM |
Mood:  OK, here's another venting session! Sorry, guys. I'm doing OK with the reunion with my bson, although I think we're in a bit of a pullback since the rest of my family, hubby and kids (bdad and full siblings) aren't responding. It's been about 6 months for them (siblings had no idea he existed until last year and they are in their late teens). My eldest has always been a tit-for-tat kind of person. You know, if you send me a letter, I'll send you a letter but if you don't respond to it, I won't send another - AGH! I try to explain that it doesn't work like that - relaitonships are hard work and if you want it you have to put yourself out there! Of course, no pressure but I'm tired of hearing how "they" want a relationship but, for crying out loud, step up to the plate and do it yourself. I can't make it happen with a snap of my fingers. I know it's hard and I accept my responsibility for my part in all of it. Today I felt like calling my bson all day - I just had a "feeling" - so I did! Of course, I reached his voice mail - ARGH! but I'm happy I did what I felt like doing. I did sit in my car for 10 minutes with his number plugged into my phone with my finger on the "dial" button - but it is an improvement. Let's see if there is any response. As for the others, I've put the ball in their court. The last e-mail from bson said he may not have time for everybody. Well, if that's the case, I hope I get some time! I'm here, I'm here! I did the reunion exercise and what I'm hoping for is a time where I can pick up the phone and reach him, talk for a few minutes and hang up feeling good! It's going to take time - years even - and I wish I had prepared myself better - maybe spent some of the last 25+ years reading about reunion instead of just hoping for it so when it came about it would only knock me over once in awhile not every day! Thanks! |
| on the up slope again! |
Date Posted: 01-18-2008 at 07:34 PM |
Mood:  e-mail from bson today - very positive, light and closing saying not to worry he is and will be fine (I had told him if the others weren't ready - stuff them, I'm here for him). I'm going to call on the weekend as I have great news for him and I know he'll be on his own and I haven't "talked" to him since well before Christmas (although we've e-mailed). Unlike the other times, I'm going to enjoy this "ramp up" on the roller coaster before the inevitable downside. |
| well that may not go well! |
Date Posted: 01-21-2008 at 11:36 PM |
| OK major post tonight! I lost it and just typed in what I thought! Let's see who responds, positive or negative - just feeling a bit "poopy" towards everyone in the family. I didn't get pregnant on my own but it seems that was the case. Of course, deciding to place son wasn't my own decision but that seems to be true now too. My goodness, I am the most naive person on the face of the earth! |
| in the dumps again |
Date Posted: 01-25-2008 at 03:34 PM |
Mood:  well it's about that time again - no contact for a few weeks and I'm thinking it's my fault. Logically, I know he has his own life, girlfriend, responsibilities etc. but how hard is it to drop a card or a short note in the mail? I know I'm being unrealistic but if this is so important to him than why does it feel like I'm doing all the work? Call anytime, well I do and his phone is turned off - why not just say DON"T phone! OK, I may be over reacting - nothing new but I wasted 26+ years of my lousy life thinking his life sucked and it didn't - he had a great life and I wasted mine, made poor decisions, felt I didn't deserve to be happy and made sure that I wasn't. time to go have something to eat and drink and try and make it through the night. |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: finally, some insight! |
By RavenSong(02-13-2008 at 07:44 PM) |
| Kate, I'm so glad you'll be seeing your son next week! You're right, a lot of our insecurities come from within our own minds. I know that I "overthink" just about everything having to do with my son. And it can really drive me crazy at times! |
| Re: in the dumps again |
By Jannyroo(01-25-2008 at 07:57 PM) |
| I know the feeling Kate. I caved in today and emailed my son for the first time in 5 weeks and I'm regretting it, because I feel so much that this leaves me 'controlled' and its not a great feeling. See my comments under 'generational effects of placing baby' and I think the feelings will relate to yours... very much so!!! IMO!! Its as if a force has taken over our lives and we have to do what it dictates. It sucks, it really does, but we are led by it and if we resist... well its like as if we aren't in control of our own lives!!! We try to take control of me, myself and I, and its always them, their, theirs... wins all the time.... Scream....!!! I relate, I really do. I'm having another 'T night' which means that I won't be able to get to sleep any time soon. Its 03.00hrs already and I'm doing a lousy job of coping. I thought I was doing fine, and then feelings, almost like giving birth well up and mangle my heart and emotions and I find I have to respond to them. So I aquiesce, even though he has not shown the slightest jot of concern in 5 weeks - I could have been ill, and I have been! but Verrier says (darn that woman!) that they are not interested in illness or possibility of 'losing' you again, so don't expect much interest, they will ignore it. I wonder many times over how does one get out of this jail? Why, oh why, does a mother have to suffer like this? We were meant to be with our children for all time, thats why. This stupid thing called adoption wrenches our souls from us and from our children, its no wonder by the time they are 'ready' (!) to reunite, that it is so complicated, IMO it should never have happened in the first place. We weren't made to have children to hand them over, sorry, no sir, and with it comes the price, as we find all too often. Someone elses gain for our emotional pain, and we just didn't realise the long term effects it would have on us.. and them.... sounds like a lot of what society does these days.. environment... politics.... oh dear, we now realise we got it wrong.... and guess who's left to pick up the pieces.... will get off my soap box now and try to calm down and (eventually) get some sleep. Take care. (((Hugs)))) |
| Hey Keds |
By JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr(11-19-2007 at 04:33 PM) |
| Jannyroo is right, I am going through the exact same thing, only flip it, I am the adoptee. It is frustrating, but if the other person is not willing to deal with it then the conversation will not happen. It takes understanding, little pushes, and PATIENCE (I really dislike that word). It is tough and the emotions are high, but give it a chance, I am, there are times I feel like quitting and then I think about how much my bmom means to me and it keeps me going. There is a point a which this has to stop though. I say decided that point and go with it. I don't really know much and I'm not an expert, I'm just speaking from what I am going though now and how I am responding to it. Staci |
| ahhhhhhhhhhh I'm with you on that one! |
By Jannyroo(11-19-2007 at 02:01 AM) |
| As long as I don't mention adoption or ask too many questions we get along like wildfire I think that says it all Keds. He is in pain. He may not show it to you and Staci in her journal JNf Fernand something or other (so long, there's no way I can remember it) is having the same problem with her bmother. Neither one can communicate. As long as they stay off of the subject of feelings, adoption etc, they are reasonably ok. However, I get to feeling that both are not able to 'go there'. Much much more time is needed. Both Staci and yourself are about a year into reunion? and it needs much more. This is a bit fresh from someone who is about to chuck the towel in, but thats what it needs. I personally think that this reunion has done more to damage the state of my mental health than anything on earth. I don't think I can continue. So what I am saying, if you are paying such an emotional price, it may be time to withdraw. Your health and needs are just as important at his. My son has a vast amount of growing up to do and at the moment he is all take and no give. Well, I know how I feel about that. Don't despise yourself or him. There is a shallowness in his approach to this that seems to me to be a self protective measure. There is more going on than you can see. For some reason, you are not able to accept this, because you want it in a way you can measure it i.e. him getting mad, frustrated, huff and puff or SOMETHING. But it is there keds. I think you need a break from all this for a while, whatever it takes. I'm emotionally exhausted too. I'm going for break. I do have a life that this guy interupted and pleaded that he wanted a relationship - then leaves it all to me to do. Nah. Don't think so. It may have taken me x amount of time to get there, but I don't want such a self centred person in my life. Its not my bag. I have such caring friends and a set up that means that they will support whatever decision I make. I suspect that part of what is niggling you is that you stand alone in this and some in your family may even point the finger. Don't let them. You have your needs to take care of and that may mean you getting angry with him and saying, for goodness sake, come out with hit. Men don't read minds, they are even surprised when we hit them over the heads figuratively with a shovel. They rub their heads surprised and say "something the matter honey?" Yaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh frustration. I feel yours Keds, PM me any time. I've just sent you one.!!! Love & hugs again. Jannyroo |
| Re: AAGHH! |
By Jannyroo(11-19-2007 at 01:46 AM) |
| Keds, the adoptees that are wishing so much to meet their mothers and at the moment do not have the chance, don't realise that things will change once they do. My son was the same. Oh its so great, oh its so wonderful - until actual contac and first F2F - then it hits them. Big time. They all have their ways of dealing with their emotions, but the reality is, once contact is made, as my son said, he just wasn't prepared for how he would ACTUALLY FEEL once he did meet me. Since then, reunion has been horrible. Difficult. Fraught with difficulties. And I'm where you are at (see my most recent thread and journal entry). I've had enough. Time to call time. Let them be. Let them sort themselves out and come back if ever, when they are ready. To be honest Keds, I could give this up now. I have had 28 years of pain and a further 19 months of having my nose rubbed in it. Thats what it feels like. I so understand where you are coming from. (((hugs))) mate, we both need them. Love and best wishes Jannyroo |
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