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| Wait for response now |
Date Posted: 06-16-2007 at 12:11 PM |
Mood:  Have sent my son an email explaining how I'm so close to the edge. Copied part of Snow White and Veronica's post that helps me and hopefully him to understand that pain can only go so far, before shutdown occurs. I hope he feels that I haven't deserted him but I have to protect myself from his outbursts. Self control is very hard when emotions are running high, but we had an agreement that he wouldn't phone me when he'd been drinking too much and he broke it twice in one week. Maybe he was scared of meeting me, maybe he would have unleashed more if I'd have been there in front of me. I don't like being scared of what my own son can do to me, but I have to remember we are only 14 months into getting to know each other. I wish he wouldn't take the relationship for granted. I wish he'd make some effort into reading up something like Primal Wound or see an adoption counsellor. I don't have much confidence at the moment. I've asked him to be gentle with me. I wonder if he will email me back or whether he will "punish" me by withdrawing? So many questions. I wish reunion wasn't so hard. |
| Next day |
Date Posted: 06-17-2007 at 06:29 AM |
Mood:  Came home to a lovely email from my son today, so understanding. My counsellor has said that sometimes we have to let our adult siblings know what we are going through, especially the angry adult ones. He said that he was glad I was house sitting and out of the way of the neighbour that is causing so much grief in the flats. That he would take it easy with my emotions. He recognised that the stress of the neighbour would be affecting my ability to deal with our relationship and that he appreciated that as a mum all this was brand new to me. He was reassuring and sympathetic and I couldn't have hoped for a better response. He said that he felt he needed to put the emotions my way, because being his bmother he felt he needed to know that I felt and understood his pain, to show that I understood and cared for what he had been through - that he was acting out on emotion rather than thinking of the effect it would have on me. What a huge relief. Also the posts on the forums helped sustain me, because I woke up numb this morning, but what my son has written has touched my heart |
| who'd have thought it |
Date Posted: 06-22-2007 at 03:58 AM |
| Its Friday and I've been house sitting. I've had 3 emails from my son and we're both communicating well. I still haven't given him my phone number as I'm still on the edge of having a breakdown and I'm not available emotionally like that, but I feel I need this constant contact that he's giving me, to build up my confidence again. He says he's going to send me photos of his parents and his brother and if he does do that, that would be nice, but he's not very good at following through. A tv programme about alcohol and the damage its doing to people as young as 22 has profoundly affected him and I think its hit home. If it has and it helps give him a focus, that would be so good. I'm off to my counselling session now and she has been so encouraging and says that the reunion in her experience IS a good one. Feeling much more encouraged but my mind is still numb and I need time to recover. Will make another entry when I have more time, have to get the train now |
| Saw counsellor today, 1st time in 2 months |
Date Posted: 06-22-2007 at 09:55 AM |
| I should have seen my counsellor last month, May, but I was due to have my 2nd reunion with my son and he blew me away by making no effort whatsover towards the reunion, picnic we were going to have, making arrangements. Response, virtually nil. It was strange but I was getting vibes that I shouldn't go (perhaps unconciously he couldn't handle it? and couldn't tell me?) and he was having a run-in with his aparents and so I called it off. When I told him I wasn't coming up he became unpleasant and hung up. I was devastated. It feels as if I'm an emotional punchbag that he levies himself at whenever he feels like it. I have also felt that for the past year as if he needed to control me and the amount of contact we had. I can understand that, after reading The Primal Wound, but it still wasn't doing me much good. By removing phone contact and leaving open the option of emailing me, it gives me time to heal and recover from my own wounds, that my counsellor is helping me with. Today, she said (Jannyroo) you are a wonderful mother. This normally bounces off of me and I don't accept the compliment, but today I did and it was a strange feeling to think, yeh, you know what, I do feel as if I am. She knows almost all the ups and downs of my reunion (I had to change the first one, she was not doing me any good whatsoever, just didn't gel) and in her experience she says its a good reunion and that has comforted me so much and helped me hang on in there when I felt everything was falling apart, which for the past 2 weeks has been me, I have been falling part. Once I explained to my son that other factors were biting into my ability to stay strong and I was in collapse, he rallied round and I've had 3 emails within a week. That has helped me so much, because no matter how hard he has made it for me, I love to hear from him, his feelings, his pain, his struggles, his joys. Whilst in the past he has lashed out and I kinda think of it as a cat in a trap, you don't expect the animal to thank you for releasing it, all it knows is its pain, and yet we seem to expect so much understanding from each other in this reunion business and sometimes its there, but the pain is too much for one or both parties to cope with. I think my healing has to come from my support network, I can't afford to dump anything on him, but when he is supportive, without me giving him the emotional baggage, it seems to have come right. I'm just so proud of him and his efforts to get his life in some sort of order. Its been delayed if you like because of drugs and alcohol and it has inhibited any smoother running of our relationship, but he seems to sense that I support him every step of the way and that I KNOW that his drugs and alcohol has been his way of anaesthetizing his emotions due to adoption. It feels good to see the effect that my input on his life is actually helping him and my goodness, the healing that its brought to my life so far has been remarkable. What blew me out of the water the other month and yet it was lovely at the same time, he actually remembers me holding him as a baby and remembers my voice. Would that freak anyone out? It did me for a bit, but then I realised, thats the connection we have. Its almost supernatural how we are tuning into each other's psyches. So today, I'm a little stronger after my near breakdown in the last 2 weeks. I don't feel ready to talk to my son on the phone at the minute, because I am so fragile, but I certainly remind him of how much I love and respond to him on the emails. I respond back quickly. The communication hasn't stopped, but he has to realise, I'm emotionally the same as he is. He's been hitting his aparents hard to try and get some response from them all his life, which he doesn't, as they are unable to show their feelings. He wants to be able to identify emotionally with them and he can't, because they are totally different people than the woman he was born to, me. He hits me with the same strength as he hits them and I have had to encourage him to stop it, I respond massively to his emotional pain. If he can steadily accept that, then I think he will feel more at peace with himself. After what my counsellor has told me, I can see that my son & I have built up a lot of love (inbetween the spasms of conflicting emotions he comes out with) and the affection is starting to come out of him, which he buried for years, because he couldn't identify himself with his afamily at all. I've been careful not to criticise them, as they are all he has ever known and its his only security, but they drive me daft with their lack of emotional response. At the same time, I do know that they love him very much. I've developed enough self control though to make sure that I say the right thing to get the best response out of the situation. I don't want to aggravate anything at his home by doing something or saying something stupid, after all, I hope to meet these people that love my son so much, one day. The emotional rollercoaster has been extreme for the past year, but the highs and the lows are levelling out and its getting to be better. Its certainly a lot of pain and yet a lot of joy, and I feel any bmother needs a lot of help and I feel grateful with the support I've had from this website (utterly marvellous) and a great counsellor (thanks, you know who you are) who herself is a birth mother - what a difference that has made! and yet my son still refuses to see an adoption counsellor, he wants to stick with the one he has, and she's not specialised in adoption issues. If she was, she wouldn't have made the dumb comment that if he'd have contacted his bfather instead of me, he might have got a better result. That was neither impartial nor professional. Trouble is, he trusts her and that IS good in that way, he trusts next to no-one. He feels that he has never spoken to anyone the way he speaks to me and THAT is great too, but I wish he could come to terms with the fact he can have more than one counsellor, one to help him with adoption issues and the other he trusts implicitly with life's other issues. Deep breath. My son has reached depths in my heart that I never thought possible. I'm single and I haven't had a boyfriend or anything like a relationship for the past 23 years - hows that for paralysis of emotions. Couldn't handle it. To have my feelings awakened and to actually feel so much for another human being has been a deeply satisfying thing for me. Now, for the first time, I feel as though if I met the right person, I may well allow them near my heart for the first time in ages. I obviously never went on to have any other children. My counsellor said its possible I've been suffering some kind of post traumatic stress disorder for the past 28-29 years. My son being brave and finding me means that I am now living life as it should be ... and he's part of it. I will always be grateful that he was brave enough to look and find me and hang on in there when his emotions got rough, very rough. Somehow, despite the rough ride, we have both been up for it and hung on in there. That makes it very special. |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: moseying along, things seem more 'normal' |
By RavenSong(03-04-2008 at 03:44 AM) |
| Janny, it sounds like you and T are making good progress! I think you really should consider accepting the "Sunday Dinner" invitation. I know it must be scary for you to actually meet T's parents, but I think you're at a good point time-wise in the reunion to meet them face to face. Just a thought.... |
| fantastic |
By keds(02-04-2008 at 01:09 PM) |
| Janny, so glad to hear about the call! The tos and fros of reunion are devestatingly painful at times but I wouldn't give up the highs for anything! I'm on the downside again and taking a break - his turn. Take care and I'm so glad to hear the good news. |
| Well there you go, got it wrong LOL |
By Jannyroo(01-16-2008 at 09:25 PM) |
| Well, I've just posted a reply to you and realised it has nothing to do with what you said! LOL. Its 04:54 here and its showing, sorry, but hope the comments are helpful. Sorry to hear about the forum member that didn't feel they were getting the help they wanted, some answers have been minimal to some of the threads I've started and others have been bang on. It depends on what people feel they can contribute and whether they can contribute at that time I guess. Can you PM me with that experience and I'll take a look and see if I can remember anyone commenting on it in the past. Trouble is, there are so many thousands of replies, it could take a month of sundays to go through them and not everyone is 'up to' replying because of their own emotional temperature at the time I guess. (((hugs))) you are having a confidence crisis again (typical of reunion) but can I reassure you, you are doing fine. |
| Hi Keds |
By Jannyroo(01-16-2008 at 09:17 PM) |
| I think the forums are pretty much the same, kinda, if I can use the illustration, of learning how to drive. You get to hear all the horror stories of smashes, deaths even, and if we allowed our own driving skills that are new, honed, rusty, or in preparation for life's drive of reunion to be affected so badly that we end up paralysed and unable to step outside the door into that car, then that is not healthy and perhaps not wise at that moment in time. I feel that if we use what we learn so that we can avoid getting in the position that terrifies us so much, we can actually use other peoples experiences (no matter how awful) to benefit our steps forward. What novice driver has not been shaky, but made tentative steps forward and learned more confidence the more they got out there and did more driving? Came home in triumph as they drove around the block, with their instructor, and then eventually on their own? Its the same with reunion, the more we get out there on the boards, the more we get confidence and boy have I noticed the confidence in both myself and also you Keds, your confidence has spiralled since joining these boards. So try not to get disheartened. These forums have the ability to help where no help is available. Where else in the world is help like this? If I'm missing something here I'd like to know!!! There is no way I could have tackled reunion without the help from some absolutely wonderful members of the triad, absolute 'giants' in my eyes. If someone is taking on board every single experience as their own and being paralysed by it, then they need to start from one point and that is there own, ask for help and build up their own confidence in their own steps forwards, rather than paralysing themselves with fears of what may never happen, simply because they've heard of that experience. If a driver is so terrified of driving... then they don't. They may never be in a position to drive, or they may need more personal assistance from another source to get their confidence in a more positive, upbuilding vein...for them. Some drivers never get to pass their test for 20 or more attempts. Each person is individual. Reunion is too. |
| Re: I've embraced the grief, this is the new me.. sorta |
By keds(01-16-2008 at 06:31 PM) |
| Janny, as usual you are carrying the torch in the darkness and helping me find my way out! Although I read a post today where the person wasn't getting the help she expected from the forums, I certainly am and felt badly for him/her. I'm hoping that you're doing well and concentrating on staying the course! I made the mistake early on of comparing myselves to others on the forum. I've realized that my reunion is different so my responses have to be unique to us. I hope that we can continue to help each other (not sure if I've reciprocated!) through 2008, even it is just to "listen" and share hugs. (I just figured out how to read/post on your journal! |
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