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| Biting my tongue |
Date Posted: 02-14-2007 at 12:41 AM |
| There are things I want to say to my kid, but I'm biting my tongue for now. It's just not the right time. And that's not just a delay tactic. I hate delay. I want to say everything NOW. But it's his senior year and he should be able to just soak up being 17 and carefree and only worrying about how he'll ask his girlfriend to prom and getting his homework done. He has enough other big things on his plate- graduating, turning 18, choosing a college and a major, deciding on housing and roommates, moving out of his childhood home. Reunion issues can be pretty all consuming even when it's mutual and comfortable. So I think he deserves to just be left alone on this for the rest of his senior year of high school. Our talk will be sometime in the last 2 weeks of June. There's a commitment. And it's nothing I want to delay- I'll be trying not to explode waiting until then. It's just so complicated for the poor kid. And for me. We're a bit in the same boat. We weren't there when it all went down in the first place and we didn't have a say in anything until years later. We've forged a strong relationship without biology, but we are still going to have face and deal with the consequences of something we had nothing to do with. And one or both of us may be hurt. Hopefully, neither. It wasn't a voluntary relinquishment, or an adoption plan. It was two kids who ended up married and parents before they were high school grads and ended up divorced by the time they were barely old enough to vote. Since they were both so young, neither one of them was really self-sufficient so it wasn't just between the two of the them. It was a battle of families, with strong personalities on both sides and a baby linking them together. When the divorce decree was signed, it said she got all the furniture and he got sole custody and she waived all visitation rights. She married another guy right away and had his baby and they lived in another city while her first baby grew up with dad and grandparents. She came to see him twice over the next few years. Then, when he was 5 she filed for custody- she was ready and stable now and wanted him to join her family. Dad said the boy didn't even know who she was so he could not agree to shared custody but would go with whatever a child psych and the courts recommended. The court stipulation was for monitored visitations until it was determined that the monitor requirement could be lifted, and basically to work from there. She and hubby then moved 3000 miles away and never completed any visitation. That was that. Dad and boy went on as they had before since he was born. I married them when boy was 9. Adoption finalized when he was 13. We all lived happily ever after. But she was angry- probably hurt when boy declined her request to speak after she was contacted by the investigator. She called and the attorney typed up what she said and sent it to her to sign. She signed and sent it back. Said she never wanted to hear from boy or dad or me again. Ever. Not even for medical info. Then this summer she found his email through an online profile and zipped off an email saying hi from mom and won't you please contact me and your sis and bro? Boy was stunned, confused, thoughtful. Then he decided he wasn't interested in her. He wasn't going to act happy to hear from her now when he still remembers feeling abandoned. He found happiness in his own family without her and wanted to keep it that way. Answer was no. It's clear from exchanges with her and comments by him, that there's still so much anger and hurt and it's hard to separate it from the long-standing animosity between the two families from the moment they started dating. What I want to tell him is, he doesn't have to hate her to be part of this family. Dad and I don't hate her. I can't fully explain what happened and I'm sorry he had to go through what he did, but there are circumstances that may help him to understand her and why things went the way they did. He doesn't have to prove he loves me by rejecting her. I know he loves me. I just want his life to be his. I'd do anything for my son. I'd hug her and love her if he wanted. If he doesn't, then I'll just hug him and love him. But he doesn't have to do it for me or Dad. I know if he thought something would wound me, he would never do it. But I want him to know that wanting to explore that part of his life story or wanting a relationship with her will not wound me or Dad. Opening up to her is not betrayal of us. We have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. It was never about keeping her out of his life- it was only ever just about a healthy situation in the first place and then about a healthy transition from strangers to family if she wanted to do that. But he's not a kid anymore and he has grown into a secure healthy human being who can guard his own heart and set his own boundaries and conduct his own relationships. He can read it all for himself and draw his own conclusions. There are no "sides" here - there's just his life and whoever he wants in it. I don't want him hurt. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want Dad hurt. But I want his life to be his and sometimes we have to risk hurt in the name of truth and love. And if he's up for it, we're up for it. I can't promise a happy ending, and I can't even tell him it's the "right" thing to do, but I can tell him it's not wrong. It's just a choice and it's all his and we're with him no matter what. But I'm going to wait until the end of June, because this will be a huge thing for him to process and he's been pushed enough on this already since the email this summer. So he's going to think about high school and college decisions and prom and turning 18. And then we'll talk. Then he'll go to Africa for a month and have plenty of time to think it over on his own. Until then, I'm biting my tongue. |
| I think I'm moving on... |
Date Posted: 02-25-2007 at 01:32 AM |
| I've been on the boards a little over 6 months now. A lot of it has been very valuable. A lot of it has just been eye-opening. I've truly appreciated the mutual encouragement and support among those here who have been willing to give and receive it. I guess I've come to the conclusion that I've come in contact with some very cool people: people with warmth in their hearts who want to believe the best of others and are eager to love and encourage and forgive and hope. Frankly, that's not everyone here. But for those who it is (and you know who you are!) THANK YOU. Thank you for sharing your stories and for hearing mine. Thank for graciously giving and receiving encouragement. Thank you for the hospitality of interacting with me, valuing my contributions to the discussion, and educating me with your experience and insight. I've been inspired by the endurance and graciousness of many of you. My final conclusion is that there just isn't really a "place" for me here, which is okay. It's something I'm pretty much used to.  I'm 33, with a son who's a high school senior that I adopted when he was 9 and I married his dad. In "real life" ( ;-) )I'm used to being the same age as people with toddlers, but being in the same life stage as people 10-20 years older than me. Either way, I just don't quite fit. My son's girlfriend's dad is older than my own father. Many of my friends are still waiting to have their first child. Mine is about to head to college and I'm dealing with empty nest before some of my friends have even dealt with pregnancy or potty-training. On these forums, I'm not a birthmom waiting for contact or working through an open adoption. I'm not one of the hoards of hopeful adoptive parents or those in the first years of having adopted little ones. I didn't fost/adopt and he doesn't have special needs, but I didn't become his mom until he was 9. My husband went through the whole teen pregnancy saga, but he kept and parented his child. I'm not an adoptee. I just don't really "fit" anywhere. There isn't really a group for support of young adoptive step-moms (for clarification only of course. To him, I'm just "mom".) of teenagers heading to college. Go figure. Sometimes, people want to hear from others. And sometimes, they just want to hear from inside their own club. Sometimes people want to really struggle through tough issues and have their positions challenged and truly exchange ideas. Sometimes they just want to snipe and belittle anyone who doesn't agree or dismiss the opinion of anyone who doesn't belong to their particular club. I'm grateful for the positive things I received here and for everything I learned and even for the opportunity to offer encouragement or insight from my perspective. I'm sad for the snarkiness and the anger and the superior attitudes I saw during my time here.But the truth is, I'm okay just being me. I kinda like that I'm just too complicated and weird to fit any mold or meet the membership requirements of any club. Just try to characterize me, I dare you! I can characterize me - a wonderful conglomerate of conflicting and opposing forces which make me the only one who can do what only I can do in God's great universe. I am 33 yrs old and I'm sending one of the loves of my life off into the world to make his own. I am more satisfied than I could ever have hoped to be that I have accomplished what I set out to do as his mother- which wasn't to give him a happy childhood, but rather to equip him for a healthy, successful and meaningful adulthood. And that's enough for me. I have passed through my season of struggle, which happened the first time I really had to confront and accept that I will never be biologically related to my son and that we may very likely have to struggle through the renewing of a relationship which will need a lot of healing to be remotely peaceful and healthy. But I am up for it. I have full faith in my kid. I love him and I believe in him and I believe in our relationship and because of that I fear nothing that he might choose. I have nothing to hide. I can rest assured that my fierce devotion to openness and integrity means that there is nothing that cannot be laid open to my kid and nothing for him to "discover" or "reveal". We are us. I am who I've always been and always will be. And he will be who he was created to be, which is as wonderfully complicated and weird as I am. We will be okay no matter what. We've faced dark things and we're so past his desire to rebel and my desire to control. Now we just get to enjoy being in each others' lives and watching each of our futures unfold. Thank you for being part of this season with me. I truly wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. I wish you all hope, healing and happiness. |
| Just can't stay away completely... |
Date Posted: 03-12-2007 at 12:09 AM |
| So, in my time away, I've been going for several days without checking boards and I haven't posted anything new. Maybe I'm weaning myself. Not sure yet. I've also used some of the time away to check out other adoption-related sites and HOLY COW! Can I just say that it's really hard to find a place, other than here, that's welcoming to everyone affected with adoption? My goodness, there are sites where aparents bash bparents and assume they are all evil and aparents are inherently saintly and always better than a biofamily, and sites where bparents speak of aparents as desperate baby-snatchers who must be either ignorant or selfish to think they take can just take someone's else baby to raise as their own. And BOTH sides call whomever dares to post dissenting opinions "trolls" or they just kick out or refuse permission to anyone not lining up with party politics or who doesn't own the same label and kiss the backsides of the self-appointed leaders of whichever movement or cause they espouse. Can we get any more dismissive of each other and more gloriously entrenched in our own righteous opinions? I don't care if there is some internet-related technical justification to "trolls". Trolls is demeaning and it's meant to be. That helps (sarcasm intended). I felt like moving away from this site because of the entrenchment and acrimony I saw here, but apparently I hadn't seen anything yet. Why must we be so myopic? I know that I'M what is or was best for MY child therefore whoever has the same label as me (whichever it is) is always what is best for the child. or Whatever MY reality is, is the ONLY reality, or at least the most important one, or the only one I care about. These positions are so unsupportable and so ridiculous, it's laughable. But it's also rampant. And glorified in many cases. I've learned a LOT from being here for which I'm grateful. And I learned them from being open to being correction and wanting to listen to all parties. And, as I said, I'm grateful for it. First of all, I've learned that "grateful" is a hot button. "Gratitude" makes some people feel obligated, indebted, and objects of charity rather than people. That's sad to me. I think gratitude should be freely given. And it's a great way to look at the world. It doesn't mean you owe anything or that you are some pitiful object, it just means you're grateful. I'm grateful my parents thought my education was more important to spend money on than cars or vacations or clothes. I'm grateful to anyone who has listened to me, loved me or contributed to my life and well being. I'm grateful to people who have helped me learn, encouraged and supported me. I'm grateful that my family is so loving and affectionate. There may be people who are grateful to me for what I've given them. I think that's great too. I think my son is grateful for the way I've mothered him. I'm grateful for the way he has "sonned" me. (I invented that- if "to mother" is a verb can "to son" be one too?) We all like to feel appreciated for what we have done. What's so evil about that? I've learned there was a whole generation of women (and probably several others before that) who were automatically considered to be unfit and were traumatized by the forcible removal of their babies at birth to people they had never met and didn't choose. That's tragic. I've learned there are many people with joyful healthy ongoing relationships with both their afamilies and bfamilies. I think a lot of people don't know this because they've never seen it and thus, can't conceive of it. But it's not only possible, it's real. There are also many families for which this is not possible because one side or the other has disfunctions or issues or behaviors that prevent it. I've learned there are many adoptees and bfamilies who long to be reunited and can't find each other because of complicated registry procedures or laws that prevent them from even obtaining records about their own lives. That just doesn't make any sense. I've learned that there are many people who feel little or no connection to their bio-relatives and have no desire to find or be found. I've learned there are parents who make their children responsible for their feelings rather than their own responsibility to deal with and who choose behaviors directed by initial emotional impulse rather than by principle. I've learned that if I were a bparent who had placed or were even pregnant and considering it, I would feel completely overwhelmed by the multitudes and multitudes of couples waiting, praying and hoping for a baby to drop from heaven (or my belly) to add to their family. It's a little scary, even if you're totally pro-adoption, how many people are intensely longing for a baby that they can't have so they have to get from somewhere or someone else. It does set up a very dangerous market condition where babies are the product for which demand greatly outstrips supply and thus creates pressure on agencies and pregnant young women to "deliver the goods." I think that aparents should not even consider adoption until they understand that their desire for a baby, no matter how strong, does not entitle them to a baby. I think aparents have a responsibilty to ensure that they and their agency/lawyer/whatever are truly ethical and that they only accept cases or children where adoption is necessary and freely chosen after all options are truly considered and processes are set up to make sure that the mother has been given every opportunity to change her mind about placing, rather than trying to prevent anyone from choosing to parent their child, where they are truly capable and willing but might be just scared, overwhelmed or suffering from lack of external support. Frankly, I think the same should be required of abortion providers. I think everyone should accept responsibility for their own actions, their own choices and the consequences that follow, even if they were unanticipated and unintended. That goes for all sides of the equation. Nobody's subsequent pain makes them not responsible for their own past or future choices or makes other people responsible to fix it. I've learned that if I were an adoptee, I would feel a little overwhelmed by all the contention over an issue in which I had no control and no choice, but which has so deeply affected my life. I would be adamant about at least determining my own adulthood and future, and be very defensive if I felt anyone was trying to take that away from me or put the burden of their choices onto me. I would want to tell everyone to get over themselves and please don't ask me to settle your disputes or justify your positions. Nothing you did when I was a child entitles you to ownership of my future life, no matter who you are or what you did. The essence of parenthood is to give the child their own life, so do that. Everyone-of all labels and clubs. No one is entitled to another person's life, no matter how you are related biologically or legally or how they benefitted from your actions. I've learned that if you're looking to be offended, or wanting to be (because it helps to villainize the other side, which make them easier to dismiss...they're just mean, or stupid), you will be. If you want an enemy, you'll find one. If you want to feel victimized, you'll find a reason to feel that way. If you're looking for the bad in people (or their posts) you'll find it. That will justify your own snarkiness, but it never justifies theirs. I've learned that if you compare the ideal of your position against the sad failures of the opposing position... what do you know? Your side looks GREAT and the other side looks foolish! Heaven forbid anyone point out the ideals of the other position or the sad failures of your own-that's just stereotyping and attacking. I've learned it's easy to assume that everything we write is measured with calm thoughtfulness, just stated directly and strongly. But those who disagree are angry and attacking. A lot of what I've learned has been encouraging and, clearly, some has been discouraging as well. Mostly I've learned that I have a lot to learn. And most importantly, if I could rewind to this summer, no matter how angry, offended or shocked I was at how or when my son's bmom contacted him and what she said, no matter how much I abhor her past words and actions, I would have reacted differently and maybe things would have calmed instead of getting worse. Maybe we could be corresponding cordially instead of each huffing and smarting at what the other said. Forget "if only she had acted differently". I would have acted differently. I would have understood her better and thus been able to show compassion rather than just express and defend my own, uninformed and myopic feelings. I would have cared about her position and not just my own. What a concept. |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: Biting my tongue |
By Forever_family(02-14-2007 at 06:36 AM) |
| You have a beautiful attitude about this situation. I can only imagine this will help your son have closure and peace. |
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