I can see how contact can spiral out of control!!!! Emotionally, the rollercoaster ride has begun. I'm torn between hope and fear for what lies ahead. Part of me wishes I had just left well enough alone, to go on with my life and hope and pray taht she contacts me on her own one day. The other part of me was tired of being a martyr, tired of wondering and keeping my curiosity and feelings a secret. I was tired of burying it. What was the sense of having an open adoption then? The whole point was so that I could keep in touch. Things happen, LIFE happens. People fall out of touch. It doesn't hurt to try and renew the connection.
I've said many times that I am my own worst enemy, and I was never more aware of that. I know in my heart that I'll do the right thing, I always have, obviously by knowing that I was too young to raise her in the first place! But there were also times when I had to deal with rejection, by having been abandoned emotionally by someone who should have been there for me. Who said they would be there for me and wasn't, and then apologized, only to reject me again. They weren't kidding when they said old wounds tend to reopen!!!
I hate being emotionally vulnerable, to tear down the walls, to have to trust people that I'm really only just getting to know all over again. I know that I have to keep my feelings in perspective, to take deep breaths, to let myself open up and deal with the emotions that I experience. I also have to adjust to not having control of this, that it's not just a deep secret that I have to deal with on my own. That now it's out there, I have to let what is meant to happen just happen, and not apologize for who I am and how I feel. To be patient and take it slow, and not lose sight of the fact that this is about her, for when she's ready and not me or her a-mom, because I can see how that might get out of control. To try not overanalyze and get paranoid because of what b-dad did and how he handled himself, both now with contact and since the first day he knew he would be a dad. To be grateful that she has the best a-parents, and a great life and that they aren't opposed to me being in their lives, that this isn't a struggle for me and I wasn't turned away. by them. That we are all on the same "side".
To enjoy this ride, for however long it lasts.
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