Mood: 
I am comingup on my anniversary of sorts. On May 23 it will 1 year since the day I was found by my birth family. And a year later I am happy sad, frustrated and so much less sure of things then I ever was. I had so many thoughts on where I thought things were going to go, what type of a relationship that J and I would share. But a year later and she is still as much of a stranger to me as she was then. I feel like I have done everything I could on my part to invite her to be a part of my life but she is not taking it. A year later and she has told noone about my existance. A year later and we have spoken maybe 10 times, mostly inititated by me. A year later and about a thousand promises broken. Amazing huh, that a year ago I was happily going along and out of nowhere there she is wanting to know me, wanting to see me, and then I guess the new car smell wore off. Now nothing. Our last conversation (which consisted of a one line email) I promise to call this weekend come heck or high water. Nothing. I told myself at the beginning, right before I opened my heart and my life to her that I would not let myself get disappointed...but I am. I told myslef my whole life that i never had abandonement issues, I had an awesome family and an awesome life. But I feel abandoned now. And it quite sad really. I have so much to offer her. i have two wonderful kids and a great husband that I want her to know.
I said from the beginning that I had a great mom growing up and I am a 37 year old woman now, so I do not need aother mom. But I did want a relationship. I did want her to be as big a part of my life as she would want. And do not get me wrong, I totally understand the pullback, and I completely respect her and hold no illwill towards her at all...but my emotions are also valid right?
So now I sit at my anniversary of sorts and a week out from Mothers Day ( alittle different for me this year) at a fork. Do I take the road to the left and just send the Mothers Day card and wait and move along like we have been with little to no correspondance and no answers to any of the questions that I have asked....or do I go right and be thankful for what I have and move on? The yoyo emotion thing is too hurtful, too painful and taken so much from me that I could be focusing on my kids and my family.
I read so many wonderful reunion stories here. Makes me wonder why mine is so hard. I just really wanted so much more. My expectations were unrealistic. Or at least they were for J. But how can I knwo what her expectations were if she will not ever talk to me, tell me anything? Even trying to get simple information, what time was I born? How much did I weigh? Did you get to keep anything, hat, handprints? Everything is answered the same...I don't remember that was 37 years ago.
So where do I go from here? It has been a week since her last email and no word at all on why she never called. Not even another email. When does this become a time for me to quit banging my head against this brick wall? Neother choice is one I want to make right now...maybe I will receive some kind of a sign.....wishful thinking! |
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