We decided after many years of secondary infertility treatments to expand our family through adoption and felt the best place for us to do that was through the foster care system. Last May we finally got our license only to find out that here in Hawaii, there are not that many kids legally free to be adopted. So we decided to do foster care while we waited for the call that would change our life forever. We made this decision because we knew that there were kids that need a home while awaiting reunification and also because reunification fails and these kids need a forever familym that prehaps we would be able to adopt our foster child(ren).
In November we finally got a call to foster a 6 year old girl and her 3 year old brother. We were only told their names, ages, race and why they were being moved from their child specific foster home. And we were told the goal of this case was reunification. Luckily we had a few days before they were to move in and we spent the weekend getting ready for them. We were only prepared for one child and need to get another bed and whatnot.
When M and B got out of the car, we lost our hearts to them! They both were so cute and friendly. M didn't want to stay with us, but we happen to have something she had really been wanting and that was a 2 wheel bike. She had never had a bike and was ready to learn to ride. B, on the other hand, didn't seem to affected by his move. He was content to know that there were toys to be played with. M was very emotional and B was so unattached to anyone but his sister. We got a little bit of their background and were told that their SW would be coming next week for a visit and she would be able to fill in more details then.
Fast forward to now, 5 months later and we are lost to these kids forever. The things that they have seen and experienced are horrible! Most adults wouldn't put up with situations like this, but the kids are expected to cope. M is a very smart and vocal child. She wants to be loved, shown affection, cared for and she wants to overcome the hurt and anger she feels inside. She is very parentified but is getting so much better. She didn't trust anyone to do the things they said, but she is learning that with us at least, she can trust. She talks alot about the things that have happened to her and remembers in vivid detail each time they were taken into foster care and what happened when they went home. She has described seeing her mom use crystal meth, mom having sex with her johns, mom drinking, mom not waking up to feed them, only eating 2 meals a day: breakfast and lunch at school, not being able to wake mom up, being left alone with her brother while mom went to clubs, changing her brother's diaper and being left for days on end with people she barely knew while mom just disappeared and came back when it was convenient for her. As a result, this child is very angry with her mom and she is hurt.
B, on the other hand, seems like the only person he really cares about is M, she was his mommmy and made sure he was taken care of. He doesn't realize that there was something very wrong when he lived with his mother, though in his short life he has barely been with her. Mom has no idea how to interact with him yet with M, she acts like she is a little Barbie doll to be dressed up and coddled. B knows his mom forgot his 4th birthday and didn't even get him a present. B has said his mom doesn't like him and doesn't play with him.
DHS has been involved with these children since about birth and predominately since B was 4 months old. This is the second time that the children have been removed from mom for neglect, abandonment and possible physical abuse. The first two times DHS stepped in, it was in home counseling and what not, the kids were not removed from their parents. The parents divorced and dad went to jail on some kind of drug charges. When M was almost 5, they were removed from their mother and put into foster care. She as required to get clean and sober, take parenting classes, stay on her bipolar medication etc etc. After almost a year the children were returned to her. They were not even home 5 months when a call came into DHS that their mother and abandoned them and had been gone for almost a week. Once again they were placed into foster care and the goal was to reunifiy this family, which is where we are at now.
In January, the SW was thinking about starting overnight visits and ending the supervised visits. However, mom relapsed. She lied to get an overnight pass from the house manager of her clean and sober house, knowing that if she told the truth of where she was going, it would be denied. She stated she went to this old friends home, knowing they were still using, thinking that she could handle it after just a couple of months soberiety. Afterwards, when she was told the visit with the kids would stay supervised and she had better not ask for overnight visits, all she could say was I did this to myself. But she didn't do this to herself, she did this to her kids!! And she doesn't even realize that
So now the kids case is on concurrent planning. We have said there is a forever home here for these kids. She has until May to get it together, but everyone has serious doubts that she can do this. She has been told she needs to consider permanancy for these kids. As much as we want these kids, we want what is best for them, wherever that might take them. We do not think that being with mom is best for them. It would seem that time and time again she has proven that she is unable to parent fulltime, long term. M is scared that mom won't get better and they can't go home. Both kids tell their talking doctor they are happy here, feel safe, loved and taken care of. They even tell us they love us and give us all kinds of hugs and kisses on a daily basis.
Sometimes I feel so two faced because I tell the kids that they will get to go home to mom when she has learned to make better choices, while secretly in my heart, I do not believe this will ever happen. Nor do I or my DH think this is best for the kids to go home. Preferably here with us, but anywhere that is not with mom is best for them. We pray everynight for a resolution that is best for them.
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