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Adoption Community Information
| Second Installment |
Date Posted: 10-27-2005 at 10:35 AM |
| The father of my daughter was two years older than me. . I was infatuated with him the minute I walked on campus. Big smile, blue eyes – the kind of personality that makes you melt. We dated the second semester of my first year – it lasted for a few months. I was in love with the idea of him. I’m not sure how he felt about me. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. “Tony, this is Jill.” He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. “We need to talk. Is there any chance you can come over to my room.” “Sure,” he replied. It’s a short walk across our campus. He arrived at my room in no time. He hugged me when he walked in – my heart skipped a beat. There’s not doubt that I still had feelings for him. After a little chit chat I got down to business. “Tony, I don’t know how to tell you this but last week I gave birth to our daughter.” He was stunned. “I got pregnant last spring when we were dating.” “Are you sure she’s mine?” I could not believe this was his response. I was insulted that he would even ask such a question. “We didn’t use protection and yes, I am sure she is yours!” We talked at length. He let the news sink in. I shared with him the vast amount of paper work we needed to complete to place our daughter for adoption. He agreed that this was in her best interest. The next few weeks were a haze. I’m told I went to counseling. I met with many people from Catholic Charities and in the end, Tony and I met with a judge to terminate our rights as parents. I don’t remember any of it. What I do remember is that Tony and I started to reconnect. I felt cared for and my old feelings for him were being rekindled. Softball season was around the corner. I started training just a few weeks after delivery. It helped me focus my energy on something positive. I spent hours running – and getting in shape. Training was a release. Unfortunately, when I wasn’t working out I was going out. I maintained my excellent grades and played on a nationally competitive softball team. However, I relied on alcohol to ease the pain. I had one free weekend left prior to our annual softball spring break trip. Thursday morning I received a call from my sister. “Jill, who is Christina Lynn?” Gulp. “Mom and dad received a hospital bill for her. What’s going on?” I did the best I could to explain over the phone. I told her I would come home that weekend. “My parents know,” I told Tony over the phone. I explained what happened. “Do you want me to come with you this weekend?” “No,” this was something I needed to do myself, “but thanks for the offer.” It was the longest four-hour drive I’d ever made. Walking in the door, the first thing I noticed was the look on my parents’ faces. It was a mixture of worry and sorrow. I gave them the facts – I got pregnant, I carried the baby, I gave birth and placed her for adoption. “Why didn’t you tell us?” It was a question I couldn’t answer – fear, judgment, disappointment. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my parents. They were devastated but not for the reasons I expected. They felt they’d failed me. I hadn’t turned to them when I needed them most. I spent the weekend answering questions. When I left to go back to college, the discussion ended. My reconnection with Tony continued. One evening, as I drove him home from the bar, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too hard.” He got out of the car and I watched him walked back to his dorm. I was crushed beyond imagination. The phone in my room was ringing when I entered. It was Tony. “Are you ok?” he asked. “No, I’m not.” And I wasn’t. I felt abandoned. I was hurt. I hated the way I felt – and I was beginning to hate him. I hung up on him. He called back. “Tony, don’t ever call. Leave me alone. I never want to talk to you again.” This time I left the phone off the hook. I thought I loved Tony and I thought he loved me. I realize now what he was feeling was obligation and guilt. Not the kind of emotion to build a relationship around. Softball and my friends kept me going. I concentrated on school. I worked hard at everything but coming to terms with my daughter’s birth and adoption. The semester ended with a trip to the national softball tournament in Connecticut and a second place trophy. I dated a few guys after Tony. I resisted commitment with the exception of one guy I dated for several months. When he broke it off, I was crushed. I felt abandoned and lonely again. I made a decision to only date for fun – no more serious relationships. That summer I lived at home – sort of. I lived on my grandparent’s farm in a trailer house. I was living on my own and it felt great. I worked for Pioneer Seed Corn Company as a detassling foreman. The science of growing seed corn is fascinating only to those farmers and their families who rely on seed corn to make a living. In order to grow corn you must first produce the necessary seeds for planting. To successfully create seed corn the female corn plants must only be pollinated by male corn plants. The farmer plants several female rows interspersed with male rows. As the plants grow, crews walk the fields to eliminate weeds and rouge corn plants (plants that, if allowed to grow, could contaminate a field). In late July or early August, the plants begin to show their tassels – a tassel is the instrument a corn plant uses to pollinate. A crew will move through the field pulling or detasseling the female plants. My job was to drive a detasseling machine with a crew pulling tassels. It was a good summer. I made new friends and spent time with my college buddies. On the outside I seemed happy. Inside I was filled with guilt and self-doubt. It was eating away at my confidence. Fall came and I headed back to college. I loaded my dad’s truck with all of my stuff and was joined by a recent grad and good friend for the drive to college. We started to drink two hours into the four hour trip. We arrived on campus drunk. Friends helped me move my junk into the hallway where it sat for the next two days. We were too busy catching up – and partying – to spend time actually moving into my room. My roommate was a freshman. She couldn’t believe her bad luck in having a crazy upperclassman for a roomie. After I moved in, three friends and I drove the four hours back to my parents’ to return the truck. We stayed over night then headed back to school for the start of tennis practice. I’d never played tennis but my softball coach – who also served as tennis coach – convinced me to go out. She needed another body. I was settling in and decided to go visit an old friend in the mens’ dorm. Robin lived on Beekman House – a floor that housed lots of good friends and this year was our brother floor. I enjoyed Robin’s company. He was funny but certainly not “boyfriend” material. Robin was in his room. Sitting on his couch was the most handsome tall, tan blonde. I had seen Terry Schoer around campus but had never really talked to him much. “Hey Nick! I thought I’d stop by to see how you’re doing.” “Pets, how was your summer?” We proceeded to shoot the breeze. Occasionally I’d try to involve Terry in the conversation but it was clear he was quiet. “I hear you’re engaged to Kelly Franz,” I said. “It’s not really an engagement,” he said. I left the room. “What a waste,” I thought. Terry is such a nice guy to be dating someone like Kelly Franz. I headed back to my house. Several nights later we were at the Rodeo – our favorite bar and place to dance. I was dancing with Nick. I realized Kelly Franz was on the dance floor with another guy while Terry was watching from the balcony above. When I looked up I realized he wasn’t watching Kelly, his gaze was on Nick and me. “Do you think he’d dance with me?” I asked Nick. “In a heartbeat.” I summonsed the courage to go upstairs and position myself next to Terry. “Hi. I was wondering if you’d like to dance.” The rest is history. At the end of the evening, Terry drove me home. “Would you like to go to the races with me tomorrow?” I’d never been to the races but there’s always a first time. “I’d love to.” We made plans on when to meet the next day. “What was I thinking going out with a guy who is already dating some one!” I said to Joan as I dug through my clothes looking for the right thing to wear. “All this is is a courtesy date. He has to take me because he asked.” “So enjoy it,” replied Joan. Sure, easy for her to say. I did enjoy the day. Obviously so did Terry. In a matter of a few days, he broke up with his girl friend and we went on our second date. We never stopped dating. Like me, Terry grew up on a farm. He went to high school in Royal, Iowa a small farming community in northwest Iowa. We share many of the same values and experiences. We were an excellent match. A major snowstorm at Thanksgiving sent me back to Storm Lake a day early. Many other students, including Terry, were on campus as well. In the midst of the storm, we decided to play a game of football. It was cold, windy and a blast. I had the ball when Terry tackled me. “Will you marry me?” he asked. His face was snow covered and he had a silly grin on his face. “Sure, if you remember that you asked.” “I’ll remember, don’t worry.” Our courtship was romantic. I was in love – real love this time. In December I decided it was time to tell Terry about my daughter. It was our last night on campus before the Christmas break. We were lying in bed. “Now’s the time,” I thought. “There’s something I need to tell you Terry.” He obviously noticed my serious tone because he turned on his side to look in my face. The tears started to run down my face. “This January I had a baby, a girl and I placed her for adoption. I thought you should know in case you didn’t want to be with me.” He held me and we talked about the circumstances of my pregnancy and Christina’s birth. “I love you,” he said. We rarely talked about my daughter after that night. Tony was still on campus. I made certain that I punished him every time I saw him. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I was successful. I could see the hurt in his eyes whenever I lashed out with some ugly, hateful comment. Tony was struggling too – I just didn’t realize it until 21 years later. My junior year may have been one of the best in my life. I fell in love. I was surrounded by great friends. My grades were excellent – I earned my first 4.0 that first semester. I was having fun. I was a member of the NCAA Division III National Championship Softball team. I was walking on cloud nine. Summer came and things got a little rocky. For whatever reason, doubt started to creep into my relationship with Terry. I was jealous when he would talk to other women. I worried that he was going to dump me for someone else especially one of his old girl friends. “There is no way I am good enough for this guy,” I thought. I lacked confidence. I was full of self-doubt. I felt I was damaged goods. I was living at my parents’ house – they were gone for the summer traveling in Alaska. We would alternate weekend visits between my home and Terry’s. Most times were good but our arguments continued and intensified. On a Friday evening in July I arrived at Terry’s late. We stayed up late talking – among other things. We were sitting on the couch when he said, “Wait here.” A minute later he was back. He held out a small box, “Will you marry me?” I opened the box to find a diamond ring. My heart leapt to my throat. “Of course I will marry you!” My next statement was a mistake, “I wonder if we should wait until my parents get back from Alaska. I have no way of getting a hold of them to share the news.” Terry was crushed but I was too stupid to realize it. “What’s another month or so I thought.” It was a big deal to him. So we waited. My parents returned and I waited. “When do you think we should announce our engagement,” I asked. “It’s a surprise.” But the surprise didn’t come and the tension mounted. Good old self-doubt started to creep in again. I was convinced that he was never going to ask me again. Finally, just before I left to go home for Christmas, Terry gave me the ring. It was official. We were engaged. The planning began. Our senior year was full of ups and downs. Our last semester was brutal. We fought more often about silly things – the time Terry spent with friends, his continued friendship with old girlfriends. The arguments were generally one sided with me nagging and Terry not responding. We started to question our relationship – but we stayed together. We were married, secured our first jobs and moved to a small town in southern Iowa. Our life together was just beginning. May, 2001 I was adamant about attending Justin’s graduation. It is a ceremony I refused to miss. My travel schedule was hectic. We’d drive to LeMars and I would fly to Boston from Sioux City after the ceremony. Justin is Terry’s sister’s son. Vicki has been divorced from Justin’s dad since Justin was five. Justin was the child I never raised. We were very close. When he was a toddler, I baby sat him. We’d go shopping for farm toys and play for hours on end. I loved him dearly. He was born just a few months after my daughter. So in many ways I watched her grow up through him. My thoughts that morning were less on Justin’s graduation and more on my daughter. Would she be receiving her diploma on this day? I prayed that she was healthy, that she would have the opportunity to attend college and that she had a good life. We rode to LeMars with my in-laws. “We need to get there early so we have good seats,” said my mother-in-law. And boy, were we early – almost two hours early. Needless to say – we had great seats. I couldn’t seem to shake the depression that was beginning to settle. I felt enveloped in sadness. This has happened from time to time over the years – this depression. I’ve always dealt with these moments on my own. I have a history of dealing with things on my own – why change. Pomp and Circumstance began to play. The minute I saw Justin the tears started to flow uncontrollably. I could not gain control. My daughter should be graduating today. Is she? Did she have a good family? Is she healthy? Did she have opportunities? I could not stop thinking about her. The next few weeks were unbearable. I could not shake the deep depression I was feeling. Not knowing about my daughter was the worst feeling in the world. |
| Third Installment |
Date Posted: 10-28-2005 at 01:39 PM |
| December 3, 2003 “Do you know why I’m calling?” Doreen asked. I responded “yes, I think so. This is about the daughter I placed for adoption” “She wants to meet you.” I was not shocked by this statement, but I went into shock. I became cold and I started to tremble. I was still in my car and I immediately made way for my best friend’s house. She was the only person in Superior who knew about my daughter. “What can you tell me?” I asked. “Her name is Ashley ****. She grew up in a small town in northwest Iowa. She was very active in high school. I have a letter she’s written to you which explains a lot.” “Where did she grow up?” I had always thought she was in Sioux City which is certainly not a small town. Doreen hesitated, “She grew up in Royal.” “WHAT?” I couldn’t believe it – for the last 20 years Ashley had been right there in my husband’s home town. Now I really started to shake. My in-laws knew nothing about my daughter yet they probably knew my daughter. I coached the high school softball team in Royal right out of college. All of these people I knew were going to know my story, my secret. I became 19 all over again. I was afraid of judgment – what would everyone think? Doreen made every attempt to calm me down. I explained to her my fears. “Maybe we just won’t tell my in-laws.” “We don’t encourage secrets,” Doreen replied. In reality, I knew there was no way we couldn’t tell my in-laws. Royal and the surrounding area were just too small. “Do you think you’ll want to meet Ashley?” “At some point yes. In fact, the sooner the better. I don’t want her to wait and I’m afraid I’d go crazy if we waited too long. I need to talk to my husband. I’m just not sure how he’s going to handle this news,” I rattled. “Let me send you her letter first. I would encourage you to write her a letter as well. Then we can talk about when to schedule a meeting.” “Jill, do you know where Tony is living?” This was getting more difficult. “Unfortunately he died in 2001 from cancer,” I answered. I filled Doreen in on the details I knew of Tony’s life after college and his death. “This is going to be difficult for Ashley,” Doreen said. “We’ll need to think about how we break this news to her.” This whole time – about an hour – I’d been sitting in front of Mary’s house. I walked to the door and rang the bell. “Come on in!” She was on the phone and held up a finger to signal she’d be just a minute. The look on her face told me that I must look awful. I could hear Geof in the basement working on a project so I went down to talk to him. I couldn’t wait any longer. “Are you ok?” he asked as I hopped on to the freezer for a seat. “You are never going to believe what’s just happened” and I proceeded to tell him the story. “That is great news!” “But how do you think Terry will react?” Geof waved my question off, “he’ll be fine. Give the man some credit.” Mary finally got off the phone. I repeated the story to her. We talked for a long time while I had a beer to calm my nerves. “I really need to get home. I have to tell Terry at some point.” I got in my car and made my way home. I pulled into the garage and Terry met me at the door. I ran to his arms and said, “I just got the call,” I sobbed. “Terry, she wants to meet me.” He embraced me, “that is great news!” “Terry, there’s more. We really need to sit down.” As I told him the story, he became very quiet and almost white as a ghost. He knew what I knew. His parents are very judgmental. They would not take this news well. It’s the reason we had never told them about my unplanned pregnancy. I told Terry I wanted to arrange to meet Ashley and that I wanted to do it just before Christmas. The next day I was a zombie. I hadn’t slept and I felt like a shell of myself. Obviously others noticed because my colleagues were asking if I was ok. I spent most of my time at work staring at my computer and phone. I spent hours on the phone with Doreen trying to process the emotions I was feeling. I searched the web for more information about Ashley – maybe even a picture. My search on her college webstite was a success. There were two photos of my daughter. I could not breathe as looked at a face that clearly resembled my own. There was no denying Ashley **** was my daughter. Doreen had finally reached Ashley. She agreed to meet December 20. She would be home from college. We decided I would spend the first few hours with Ashley. Later in the day I would meet her parents. It was real – this was happening. The wait – almost two weeks –seemed like an eternity. I struggled with all kinds of fears. I began to what if myself crazy – what if she doesn’t like me, what if she is angry with me, what is she’s disappointed with who I am? Sleep would not come. I had no appetite. I was dragging physically and emotionally. One of my big fears was Terry’s parents finding out about Ashley before we had a chance to tell them. I called Doreen asking her to tell the Tofts who I was. I feared that if Ashley’s mother mentioned to anyone my first name with Buena Vista College someone would make the connection to me. That is exactly what happened. Sherry, Ashley's mom, was sharing the fact that Ashley would be meeting her birthmother with one of her best friends. “Her name is Jill, she went to BV and she lives in northern Wisconsin,” Sherry told Julie ****. “Oh my, that sounds like Jill Schoer,” replied a shocked Julie, “no it couldn’t be.” Sherry’s jaw dropped. She picked up the phone to call Ashley. “Ashley what is Jill’s last name.” Ashley responded with “Schoer.” “Honey, what is her husband’s name?” “Terry, why?” “Oh Ash, Terry grew up in Royal.” The small world nature of our story was just beginning. Julie is the wife of Jim **** who was one of Terry’s best friends from high school. They are the parents of Jenn – Ashley’s best friend from high school. My mind became numb with shock Terry went into a shell. He was in shock and he was angry – not at Ashley but at me. We tried to talk but it usually erupted into an argument. The point of his anger was not in Ashley’s birth but in the sexual relationship I had with Tony. He began to question me about other partners, about how many times I thought I was with Tony – unreasonable and unfair questions. Finally he agreed to counseling. The visits helped him immensely and he began to provide the support I needed leading up to my meeting Ashley. |
| From Kersey 19 |
Date Posted: 11-03-2005 at 09:05 AM |
| I am having computer challenges and can't access my writing. I am interested in feedback and can't figure out how to edit my profile so folks know how to send me feedback. Feel free to PM me with any of your thoughts.....even if you think my writing stinks! Thanks! |
| Another Installment from Kersey19 |
Date Posted: 11-07-2005 at 01:00 PM |
| Christmas Day arrived. My in-laws invited the Tofts to their home for the evening. Our first holiday together – the joy I was feeling was unbelievable. Ashley asked if she could meet my mom and sisters that weekend so we arranged for her visit in a few days. This was happening so fast. I had determined to let Ashley set the pace for our reunion – she had selected a fast pace – I hoped I could keep up! We drove to my mom’s on December 26. I was really looking forward to being home where I could relax. The tension at my mom’s was palatable the minute I walked in the door. Terry changed – he became sullen and moody. My sister made several comments that hurt my feelings and mom was distant. I told them Ashley was coming in two days to visit. I wasn’t sure anyone was ready for this visit – but I was not going to tell Ashley not to come. I couldn’t sleep. I finally went down to talk to my mom – to find out what was wrong. My mom was struggling with the past. She wanted to understand why I never told her about my pregnancy. She felt she had failed me. “What did we do wrong that you couldn’t trust us?” she pleaded. We talked for hours. Ashley arrived at mom’s with her boyfriend, Travis. We were both a bit nervous. I introduced her to my oldest sister, her partner, my middle sister and my mom. We chatted – then sat down for lunch. Mom broke down when she said the prayer. She left the table to collect herself in the kitchen. We spent the rest of the afternoon getting to know each other. I walked Ashley and Travis to the car. It was hard to have her leave – my heart was feeling heavy. As I hugged her goodbye, I told her I loved her. “I love you too,” she answered as she hugged me tighter. I look back and realize I was always the first to break our embrace. I would give anything to have those hugs again – I would never let go! “Call me when you get to Travis’,” I told her. She smiled, “You are just like my mom and Travis’ mom. I’ll call when we get there.” She did. I told her I loved her again as I hung up the phone. I always knew I loved Ashley. I waited to say those words until I felt safe that I could – that she would believe I meant what I was saying. The love I feel for Ashley is so incredibly intense. It was like nothing I’d felt before. It is difficult to put into words the depth of joy and love I feel – only another mother can understand. We spent the next few weeks emailing back and forth. Ashley decided she wanted to come to Superior to visit. I flew her to Superior in January. It was a short visit but it gave Ashley a chance to see where we live, where we work and to meet our friends. We hosted a “baby shower” so my friends could meet her. Nearly 40 people came. It was a great experience. I was bursting with pride as Ashley graciously greeted our guests. This was my daughter – I kept repeating those words in my head. Her departure on Sunday was difficult. Her tears flowed at the airport. There was desperation in her hug. “Hey, this is not good bye Ashley. This is just see you later.” She knew that but it was still difficult. I didn’t cry until she boarded the plane – then my heart broke. |
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