Aria's Adoption Journal - Journey to foster/adoption Los Angeles County - Adoption Journal, Story, Experience, Blog

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Journalist: musemoon	Status: Public
Entries: 122 (Private: 0)	Comments: 57
Start Date: 09-23-2005	Last Updated: 06-24-2007
Views: 15821
Description: Journey to foster/adoption Los Angeles County

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# 1

Beginning the process

Date Posted: 09-23-2005 at 07:14 PM

I am a 37 year old single woman adopting from Los Angeles. I am an artist who lives in Hollywood and I am just beginning this journey. I start classes in 2 weeks. I am very excited and a little nervous. So a little more about me and why I am adopting. I have always wanted a child. When I turned 18 I was so excited cause I felt like I was old enough....finally to have a baby. I knew I wanted to be a young mother and a baby was a dream of mine :-) (ok. I also knew that 18 was way way way too young) I, however, at 18 was also a young actress and I was very busy at the time acting and being 18 :-). Years passed and I continued acting, then became a filmmaker which is what I am now. Almost 20 years later, I am still waiting for that baby. At 37 years old I find that I am single and still waiting... I reflect upon my life and wonder how I came this far....what happened to the time? What did I do wrong? Nothing, I answer myself, nothing at all in my life has been wrong :-) Although I consider myself single, I have been in a remarkable friendship/relationship with an incredible man. He is also an artist and he's bisexual. (that should be a fun fact for some reading this) I made up my mind that in deciding to adopt I would open the closet of my own life and live it out in the open, so here it is...displayed in front of a bunch of folks I don't know. I am modest, although the following statement seems contrary, but I used to be a model/actress, I am still very pretty and look a lot younger than my years. I've never had a problem attracting men, but I've had a problem attracting ones that I was attracted to. As I started my young life around dancers, drag queens and drama queens, I was just more drawn to people that were artistic and "strange" So one day I met another model, fell in love with him, found out he was bisexual and still dating men and women and had no plans to stop. The friendship comes with it's many ups and downs, but any relationship does, however after 8 years, we are pretty set on one very important fact, we love each other deeply. As for the other details, I'll leave them all out, just know he exists and I have a great great love for this wonderful man :-) Ok, so why don't this hot guy and this hot girl, just have a baby and be done with it? Well he is a huge advocate of adoption, in fact at this moment he never wants to have a bio baby, so those hot model genes will stay with him. I don't live with him and we have promised that each of us are to live our own lives...however connected by this unbreakable thread of love, we still have not decided to do the whole "we're a family" bit. So I respect his wishes and would NEVER trap him into giving me those "hot model genes". Now I have also always wanted to adopt, in fact I wanted a house full of rainbow colored kids, but I was insistant that I wanted one of my own, even just one. And I wanted perfect kids, and we could just skip off to our perfect lives. Ok. Two years ago, I am diagnosed with an ovarian tumor, good news, no cancer, bad news, maybe no babies and one of my ovaries is removed. So the bio clock roars down the runway of time I get off at 37 and go....Oh My God I think I missed my stop. Now, perfect bisexual model guy and I have a bit of a falling out, he moves farther away, I realize I was so super madly passionatly in love with him and look back at 8 years and wonder where I went? I mean I made movies and friends and stuff, but I forgot to live for me. Some would say that having a baby is going madly in the wrong direction, but for that inner 18 year old, I still wanted this baby. So a friend of mine is a social worker, she casually mentioned to me as I was telling her about my desires to be a mom, that I would be a great foster/adoptive parent and that the agency she works for is desperately looking for adoptive families. I think hmmmm? So strange that she mentions this to me the day after I decide to make baby a priority. I think about it for awhile, surf online and research, two days later I'm set, I'm doing this, I sign up for orientation. Thank god it is a month away, cause what a month it was. I start telling everyone I know that I am going to be a mom. I start to live without hot model guy in my daily life, I open the door to my world, all created and decorated by me. I cry a lot, cause I miss my old life, and I cry a lot cause I am loving the view of my new one. As with my films in the past I start talking about them as if they are reality before they are because, (shhhh this is a secret) it's a trick I play on myself and those I know. If I pretend that they exist when they don't really yet.... they eventually become a reality. This has happened with every one of my films, I say it's happening when it's not and then boom, some guy offers this and that and another person knows someone who does this and that and batta boom!!!!! I've made a film, done, reality!!! Ok, using the same philosophy with baby. "I am adopting a baby" I say. Now, I would love everyone to think that I am this hot filmmaker making crazy money living on a hill looking over the fiefdom saying "Oh yeah!!! This is great" In truth, I'm still struggling, I've made 4 short films that have played on TV and film festivals and have won awards and stuff, but the crazy money is still running around like a looney toon and has not made it to my wallet yet. And in the banner year when I was diagnosed with an ovarian tumor and lost one of my ovaries, I also was laid off from my high powered D girl gig at a big entertainment company (anyone not familiar with the term, it's hollywood slang for the up and coming developent executive who has it all. Since a lot of assistants were women, some got promoted. Dgirl is that "used to be assisant" who is now a young power exec), my cat died and after recovering for 2 months from a C section to remove my 2lbs tumor, I could not get another Dgirl gig to save my life. Since Dgirl gigs are about one of the most coveted positions in hollywood, as soon as you fall off the bus, no one ever turns around to pick you up again, no matter how good you were, you are damaged goods, so my unemployment ran out and I was badly in need of money. My hot model guy friend worked for a zen arty farty famous tea house in LA, he was like "babe get a job with me" I was like "babe, I'd rather slit my own wrists and eat glass" to which he replied "do you have a way to pay rent next month?" needless to say that next month I was 35 years old slinging tea. Ego?...well "damaged" is such a mild word in this case, let's say, "destroyed", that fits much better. Banner moments on the path to ego obitteration were, serving tea to execs I used to work with, pretty much answering the "how are you doing since the lay off" question with a big fat "not very well, thank you, that'll $4.82" seeing actors I used to hire, add lots of money to my tip bowl and give me "that look", being treated like I was 21 and a complete intellectual imbicile, or have other execs talk to each other in front of me, slinging tea behind the bar, as if I were invisible and then (as I am prone to be rather passionate about what I used to do) I would interject something to their conversation, forgetting that I was no longer a hot Dgirl, but a lowly barista and have them look at me like I was from mars, disgusted and full of hatred. Wow, that was such a fun time. But there were truly remarkable moments on my adventures in serving tea, I met with psychics, spiritual healers, artists, loving people, godly people "universe" loving folks, who taught me to meditate, use love vs. fear, understand that everything happens for a reason and you know what.... I healed, I learned to love, I started to smile without a reason and two years later, I am still there, managing the store. I have written my two feature films and they are now in the hands of "so and sos" (meaning big execy people of note, like names you would know) and I am on the way to that big house on the hill ,crazy money in my wallet, but it is... still "on the way" so what changed? I no longer need my evil ego, I can still smile at the little things, and I am adopting a baby. Which brings me to the statement "I am adopting a baby" I now tell the folks who come into the tea house that I am adopting a baby from LA county, she probably will not be white, she probably will be crack exposed, this most likely will be quite a journey, and I am so very very happy. To which the overwhelming response has been, love, joy and excitement. One thing I know for sure, this kid is one lucky little kiddo, cause she will be surrounded with love and great hope. For this I am so greatful that I live in LA, that I work at an arty farty zen famous tea house, where open minded folks frequent, cause as others have had problems with their stories of adoption, I am having nothing but words of encouragement, hope and love. I feel like this kid is already queen of it all. And I am so excited about her coming. I know that this has been a very long winded post.....be prepared.....I'm a writer....I love to write....also be kind....I don't love to spell :-) or properly punctuate, that's what editors are for :-) (did I smell diva??? shame on me).

So in this journey that started 3 months ago I have gained much knowledge and everyday reality has floated in, like paperwork and appointments and the scary ups and down of it all. Today I am dealing with not knowing anything about this child who will someday be my daughter. I know that I want a baby (oh yeah....that's a hard one I know) I know I want a girl (yep....bring it on sister....you're gonna have to wait) and I can deal with crack and drugs, I can't deal with other more serious stuff. Any race is fine, in fact welcomed, I can not wait to walk into the grocery store wearing my child of color. Angelina Jolie and I, hip, single and adoptive mommies. I like the image, I like the feel of it :-) I'm good with troubled kids cause I used to be a preschool teacher and my little brother died when he was 5 of a very painful cancer, I loved that kid with all I had in me, but kids who are that sick.....well, let's just say, you get to learn a lot of skills. More about my beautiful brother later. So I've got the image down, but the truth is yet to be seen. I've named her, since I know nothing about her, what she looks like, what age she is, when she's coming, nothing so I want one tangible and that's her name. Aria. Ok, quickly, if that can be done, I have always believed that my little brother held the souls of my children in the castle in the sky where we (my brother and I) agreed he was going. Well during a meditation I was talking to him and a little girl came to me (ok, if you don't meditate, you'll think I'm a whack job. Just know meditating is like praying....and no I don't do drugs, never have....just in case you were curious) Anyway this beautiful being came to me and told me that her name was Aria and that she was ready to be born. I thought that it was such a beautiful name, I had never thought of that name before, so when I started being more serious about this process the name Aria stuck. My mother named her middle name Elizabeth for my grandmother Druid (yeah, poor grandma) Elizabeth. At first I was, like, ahhh that's such an old fashioned name and I'm such a hip, bindi wearing, Burning Man going, arty chick, I don't want an old fashioned name, but my beautiful mom was so loving and is so supportive and excited about her first grand baby that I thought it would be special to have her name my daughter. And then the other day I was in the video store and I saw Cate Blanchette on the cover of a crimson box sitting strong and beautiful under the huge title ELIZABETH and I was like, ok.....Elizabeth it is. Now here is my delema... I will save the final discission for the actual placement of my child, but here it is...don't laugh, but God/Great Being/Spirit of my kiddo named her her first name and my mom named her her middle name....I didn't get to give her a name....so I am holding off on giving her one more name...and I know that I am walking a thin line here, that one day my tiny little stock broker (oh, God forbid...."join a band, honey" please join a band, or interpretive dance, but not stock broker.....I digress) will sit with me and say that Aria Elizabeth (Deva or Skye or Peace) Hope (my last name) is just too much of a burden on her and that, although I am famous (oh yeah....I'm famous) I am just so embarassing and that her long hippy name is painful and limiting to her great future in the coporate machine, from here on I can call her Liz Brown...or she will never speak to me again. Oh god....that's bad. So I hold off on giving her that extra name....for now :-)

Ok, so I'm jazzed. I have envisioned this little kid, got her name, like a billion strangers can't wait to meet her and I am off to Orientation. I'm first! I'm dressed in a flowing skirt from India, (not wearing the bindi, don't want to weird out social workers) I have tasteful hair and make up I am confident I am strong, I am a mommie! My cell phone rings...hot model guy (who by the way is back in the ol' life again, stronger, more loving, still bi, but I'm holding firm, I'm living MY life, by my rules, he can join this life already in progress or not, but I'm doin my thing, happy) calls to see if I was there at the orientation, "Good luck" he says he loves me and wants hear all the details right after I'm done. Before I hang up the phone, I say "I love you too." Look over at the social worker with a doe eyed smile and say...that's "my friend" he's so excited about this baby. Thinking....see....what great mom material I am...see...see I have a support system! She looks at me, she's lovely and kind and has a great face. "So you want a baby?" Phone rings again, another gay friend wishing me luck. I look over at her again..."everyone is so excited", I say to her. "Are you single?" "Yes I am but I have so many friends....yada yada" Still kind faced she's like, "Great, we love single people" Whew.... She tells me that usually there is a three year wait for babies....My heart thuds....I watch it fall into a great deep dark hole in the floor, I think I might pass out. BUT she says....recently we've had a lot of babies. I now panic.....Can I get one (of course I don't say this) I think I hope one is my mixed race, slightly drug exposed newborn, who is beautiful and amazing and is so TPR'd by her parents and so ready to come home with me without any drama or hassle..... And I still hope this. And those of you reading who have been through this journey.....I don't want to hear it :-) So another single parent walks in, I decide to hand her the little info sheet and welcome her.....see....great mommie....oooh great mommie to be. Then a gay male couple come in a little bewildered and scared, but so in love and so commited to being daddies, they are holding hands and dressed in suits, they sit beside me, I smile and hand them their info sheets and welcome them, and then I see myself and I'm like "oh my god, I'm one of those annoying people", you know those mommies who are like, "here have punch and ice cream and sign the sheet and my name is Doris, and who do we have here?" then she cackles and snarfs and your so embarressed you look down to her perfectly white keds and contemplate if she is some kind of auto animitrotic doll or something. So I stop handing out leaflets and stay quite, my cell rings again, I smile and turn it off, now I feel just a little like a freak. However I can't stop thinking that me and the gay daddies will probably hit it off, since I tend to be a gay magnet and have hundreds of gay friends, not to mention hot model guy, and so I sit and envision that their perfectly coifed sons are playing with my beautiful big haired mixed race slightly drug exposed at birth daughter as they flit around their perfectly manicured lawn and gay daddies and I sit and sip martinis. Oh motherhood will be so fun. Ok more folks show up, I look at the gay daddies like we are already in the mommy and daddy martini club and they look back at me confused and bewildered. A lot of people actually show up, I begin to panic again oh my god, what if one of them gets my mixed race slightly drug exposed newborn. Sit up straight, be the best almost mommie in the room, I think. Ok so we start, and we hear about adoption and fostering and the journey and the room turns from the mommie and daddy house to the pit of paperwork and Los Angeles County rules and regulations. Somewhere near the middle of orientation, my mind turns to mush. I thank myself for doing so much online reading....thanks to adoption.com foster forums, I already know much of what is being said. And then the really sad part happens. I start to hear from the people in the room, one guy an older man who speaks mostly spanish wants to adopt a 21 year old girl....um.... yuck. And an older white couple wants to know if they can be 100% sure that the child is healthy and "ok". I'm thinking why don't you buy a dog at least they come with papers.....but then I was like be nice....not long ago you missunderstood what perfect or ok was. Then as I looked around the room I realized that, most of these parents didn't want foster/adopt babies, they wanted perfect white children, they wanted well behaved toe haired trophies that they could tule around in their oversized SUV's. Then this loud and brilliant woman was like I want all the adolesent girls I want to adopt them. We find out that she is a Social Worker from LA county and knows the ropes, tells our group that the agency we are at is one of the best in LA and is very confident about the right placement for the right person and for the first time, I see this process more clearly.....right child....right person....right time. Let go and trust. Ok orientation is over, we get a packet, they say it's large, I'm thinking the one I am staring at right now is gianormous, so it wasn't so large. I drive down to my mom's house and we fill out the forms together, I am so nervous I can barely write (at this point in my journal, I bet you don't believe that, cause if you are still with me, you've been reading FOREVER). We go through the list of things I will accept, some of the disorders and behaviours we have to look up in a dictionary and there we are on the floor staring at each other wondering if I can accept a child with "Euro...something or other" and I'm like um....??? Can I? And she's like sure you can!!!!!! What a great day. Then we go out to Cocos for dinner to celebrate. Ok....I'm from Orange County and Coco's is a nice Denny's style (or diner style) restaurant, mind you however, I've lived in LA for 20 years, Coco's is kinda ghetto where I'm from, kinda of a White/middle class/we only go out to dinner once a week/ kinda thing. Not bad....not not not, but to a hollywoodite....like myself....not so good a place to be having a "Aria is gonna be adopted one day" dinner. But my mom and I toast and I tell her that I will be writing this journal and she scoffs....If I told her I was gonna write a journal for Aria, she would have taken me to a better place...whatever...I loved every minute of it. What I really loved was sitting with my mom (who raised me as a single parent) discussing my little baby and the idea that someday she will be here. That was so magical...still is.

Ok...so I'm first to the Adoption agency the next day with my paperwork....good mommie!!!! Nice faced lady from Orientation looks it over. Then she looks at me...."want a baby girl"...."ok"...."Single"...."ok"...."one bedroom apartment!!!!!!!!" Everything screaches to a halt. YOU HAVE A ONE BEDROOM!!! I'm like think on your feet...think fast.....I say I've read it's ok, cause I want a baby and in two years I'll get a bigger house and I'm thinking oh please let this be ok....please please. She's still so very nice. She tells me that of the people in the orientation only the loud social worker lady, the gay daddies (yeah gay daddies) and one other woman were approved to continue the process and they are in such desperate need for homes, that she will talk to her supervisor, wait here. Ok I wait and wait and wait....I HEAR a lot of "no" NO NO NO NO, I hear the nice faced lady plead....again I hear "no" A tear comes to my eye and I fight back crying. I'm like I can't cry in the office....I'll lose any, and that is if I have any left, mommie points I may have gained. She comes back out....she looks good, smiling reassuring...but how, it didn't sound good at all in there. She whispers..."The supervisor wants to meet with you." She smiles and watches the supervisor walk out. "You have a one bedroom" she says I shuffle past it and say I plan to get a two bedroom when the child is older, I have a big one bedroom, I live alone.....I contemplate throwing myself at her feet....but um....yeah not a good mommie move. I understand California law, I am aware of bla bla bla. "Do I have childcare?" I know that one of my girlfriends with kids says that she will take care of Aria so I say yes. Supervisor thinks and then says she'll let me know. Ok.....ok....???? Yikes. Supervisor turns around, "but I think it will be ok, she says"....I want to kiss her. Again, not so smart mommie move, but I want to. Ok, so the nice lady looks over the rest of my paperwork and whispers to me that she thinks it will be ok, goes over the rest.....uneventful, until she reads the therapy section. "You had an eating disorder?" Ok, my mind races, I am remembering back to sitting with my mom at the table and we are filling out the forms, and I get to the therapy section, do I tell them about the eating disorder I had when I was 17? Now I am staring at my mom, we have been filling out these forms together, mom and her new mommie daughter and we get to the therapy part and my mom looks at me. My eating disorder, bulima, back in the day, when I was 17 was the thing that tore my mother up. It caused her so much pain and grief, it ripped our relationship in two and I have long since recovered from the disorder, but my mother looks at my bulima period of my life as my scarlet letter. You have to tell them sweetheart, she tells me. And now that I am so ok and have no trace of eating order problems, and the other problems that lead to eating disorders, I'm like, Ok....let's tell them, I have nothing to hide. My mom looks at me so proud. And now I stand in front of the nice looking lady from the agency already on shakey mommie ground and she looks at the therapy section of my paperwork and I am just about kicked out of the program. I'm thinking why??? I was 17, 20 years ago and like ok....nowadays...EVERYONE has bulima/anorexia....it's kinda awful how acceptible eating disorders are, AND if I was to have a child who had those problems I would be able to love and guide them through the underlying issues of self worth and esteem, so I would think that would be one point for my team, not the opposite. Well not to bore you, I had to go through leaps and bounds to get cleared but one day after I turned in my paperwork, the head hancho from the agency calls and asks me some questions about bulimia and my one bedroom and says someone else will call later, but she thinks "it won't be a problem". The next day I get a call....I'm in the program. Yeah....again a little humbled, as at first I thought, I am the best mommie they will ever see....and now....I'm lucky to have gotten this far, so I am again humbled. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to bring martini glasses to my first class as a congratulations for getting in the program gift to my new gay daddy friends. Of course they still don't know that we're friends yet :-)

Ok.....so instead of start the mound, rather monolyth of paperwork that I want to turn in, I decided to write this journal. It's for me as all journals are, it's for you, and mostly it's for Aria. And as I am grandizing at the moment as I bring this first entry to a close I realize that everyone uses letters to denote adopted children's names, and I may again have created a faux pax in the foster/adoptive mommie world by giving my child a name and using it in this journal, but as I have always done, I am creating something that is not there and believing it exists before it does. And one day Aria will be real and I want her to read this, I want her to know a little more about her mommie and I want her to know how truly loved she was even before she came. I want her to know how special and wanted she is, how important her life is to all of the people who are dreaming of her, even before she comes.

After I started this process, I have so many people asking me everyday about this journey. Even people who would never consider this for themselves have started to get excited about Aria. Everyone is loving and supportive, I have a changing table, a crib and a box of clothes all donated by friends who want to help, but more importantly they want to be a part of her life.

I'm sure there will be so many more adventures along the way to her adoption but here is.....one last story about child care before I go. I called my friend who offered child care and was like...let's talk about you taking care of the baby. At the time her own two boys were screaming and crying and she had a raging head cold...."what?" she says???? "Sweetie I can't take care of a baby, I can help, but not everyday" Ok I panic and then think...what was I thinking? Even though I've known her for 20 years and we have said that she would be a stay at home mom and I would be famous and that she would take care of my kids, this is reality. I am not famous (yet!) and she has two amazing, adorable little CRAZY boys and when I say crazy I mean crazy crazy!!!! So I am immediately disheartened but kind, and like oh my gosh of course you can't...what was I thinking. So then I started searching for childcare.....and figured if I sold or rented out my body parts, I may be able to come close to paying for childcare in LA. Now I'm really stressed, but good ol' meditation helps me from becoming a desperate person so as I am walking my totally awsome, but slightly skiddish lab/whipped through the hallway of my apt building and I hear "DOGGIE" and before I know it a little person is riding on my dog's back...."DOGGIE DOGGIE!!!!" My dog is unbelievably calm, uncharacteristic of her.....good Squishy.....good soon to be doggie sister I think. But where did the kid come from? And then I hear a frantic mother walking up the stares calling out to her daughter. I then remembered the story of a girl in our building who had a baby, it was quite scandlous as I recall and now I was looking at this great two year old girl riding my dog. I meet the mom and she is also fantastic, wants to be friends, help each other out, lives down the hall and has cheap and amazing childcare right near the zen famous tea house where I work and that she will have an opening around the time Aria will be here. OH MY GOD.....really thanks to that swirling bunch of gasses or grey bearded dude on a throne or wiccan witch in the forest for making this all happen for me....cause really something cool and devine is happening. Now if it could fill out my paperwork, I'll start preaching on TV I swear! But the time has come to fill out financial resourse statements (yikes) I have confidential agreements to sign, and the list goes on....and on....two pages of lists of things to sign actually. So I better get to it. Cheers for now.

Aria's mom

PS. Hot model guy just called, wants to buy a house for me and the baby..... :-)

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# 2

A new house ???

Date Posted: 09-27-2005 at 10:42 AM

Ok. So, I wasn't going to post again until the class which is still a week and a half away. But the issue of the new house has become an issue :-). Ok just a tiny bit of background...hopefully not too much! The hot model guy and I met in our building 8 years ago. I had the world's stinkiest trash in my hands, when he opened the door to our trash area, I looked up and saw the bluest, most beautiful eyes I had ever seen....ok, heart racing hard core! I was so embarressed cause I could smell my horrible trash, like something rotten had died in it. I had had a party the previous night and I guess something super foul smelling got into it, needless to say, the trashing of THAT trash should have been a solitary thing...no one else needed to be involved. But he looked at me and said, he wished that the building had a trasherizer so that we could trasherize smelly trash. Ok, I'm a vegetarian and an enviromentalist, my heart melted. What a great word "trasherizer" Turns out he was a vegan and an evironmental scientest....his dog soon met mine and the dogs fell in love. Not long after that we became friends...not long after that we became more. 8 years later we are here. Well....over the time we have had our ups and downs as friends and "not sure what's", the love has always been there, but after a "thing" (sorry won't give details) a few months ago, he bought a houe and moved away, not far away, but away enough.That's when I went soul searching....or rather soul surfing and found my truest self, my deepest desires and chose to live my life for me....a really cool choice. Out of that list of choices came my desire for Aria and the humility, love and hope to adopt her through foster care....ok....awesome....really!!!!! Now 4 months later (almost) he is offering to buy a house near him, (actually on the street next to his) that I can rent, so that the baby, my dog (who he adores) and I will be closer to him. He's pretty adiment that I accept his offer. He actually sent me an email about the house, but it was out of my price rage....I told him "no" I can't afford it....I'm sorry, but thanks for trying". An hour later, he sent me offers on cheaper houses. Ok, so that is lovely, I really would love to live near him again and it would be great if the baby and I could have a second bedroom and a yard etc. But here comes the delema.....I have to have my homestudy in a few months....all my paperwork that I just filled out says I have a one bedroom...we still have not found a house that I can affort yet and if he does find one, it might mean that I will have to put off baby untill a homestudy can be done on the new house. So yet again I am faced with a delema....I want baby, cause I am finding my new life and want baby so badly....but I also miss hot model guy....love him. Now hot model guy wants us to live near him, which would be GREAT....cause the closer I am....the less diapers I have to change.... (not really) but, you know, as a single parent it's great to have a support person near by. Well as with all things..I'm leaving this one up to "The universe/swirling gases/energy/God" and just see what happens, I just needed a space to write this, and I wanted Aria to know how much I think about her and her future. As far as "Aria" goes, well, it is such a mystery. I read about how many people wanted their children and how long they waited for them, and yet I can see her face, I can feel her little skin and I am ready to be her mommie. I do have a friend who recently had a baby ask me if I am up for all of the pressure, am I ready to do this alone...frankly, it freaked me a little, "I don't know" I really don't. How did my mom do it, with 2 little girls....how? But I have to believe I can...I have to believe. I have to trust that this is right, that the right baby will come in the right time and if hot model guy finds me a house I can afford, I have to trust that it will only help Aria get here, not stop her.

Hot model guy's beautiful mom (who I adore!!!) and Aunties (great southern women, with wonderful stories) have been here for a week, I told them about "Aria" and they are thrilled, want me to come out and visit with the baby....strange thing is, Hot model guy's mom told me that Hot model guy is also thinking of adopting a baby. He joined us and said that he wanted both our kids crawling around the floor together. Well I figure most of my life really borders on unreality but this was about a surreal as it gets. However....love....live life....love life. So I hope he does adopt a kiddo, that would be cool.

As far as my little kiddo goes, I have finished half of the paper work, I have my first class in one week (give or take), she has her own dresser and changing table, I pick up the crib next week... and I have no idea when she comes....I was so ready for her most of the day...really ready to snuggle and love and wear her (I plan on wearing her for the first six months to help the bonding process), help her grow and be a proud mommie, until my friend with a new born and a husband started questioning if I could handle it alone, could I deal with problems....what if my child needed more than I could give her....and I started to feel sad. But I have to remember, in fact I have to be solid in my knowing, that "Aria" is so beautiful, so loved and I am so ready to be her mommie, no matter if I am alone or not, I will be ok. I know I will. :-) Today I embrace the fear...and release it. :-)....ok, off to the DMV to get a copy of my driver's license (mine expired, the new one, I put in a special "safe" place and for the life of me, I have torn my house a part and can not find it.) Probably will find it after I get a new one.....oh ain't life funny. I of course need a current driver's license to get my finger prints done. Wow, this is just a life changing monumental load of paperwork....yaoza!

# 3

What an amazingly beautiful day! WAOWWW!

Date Posted: 09-30-2005 at 07:55 PM

Ok. Today actually started yesterday....for me. In an attempt to conquer this huge mount of paperwork, I decided to just start making calls. Ok, I'm pretty organized....but not.....not really. And short of giving your DNA strings to the agency, just about everything else needs to be submitted. Well...ok, I'm just not good at that. But I'm braving it, so first on the list. Finger prints....as I am not a good "Fine print" reader I really made sure I read the info sheet. It had many words, most of which I was tempted to skip, but forced myself to focus. I need my VALID/CURRENT/NOT EXPIRED License to get finger printed. Well...ok....my mom gave me my VALID/CURRENT/NOT EXPIRED lisence a few months ago as my driver's lisence still had her address on it and mine had expired. Well I put that darn thing in a VERY safe place, as I knew it was important, and I guess I must have been rushing out to somewhere and could open the darn thing and put it in my wallet.....needless to say, I can't find that special hiding place anywhere. And as I am preparing for a baby, cleaning up and such, there is not an inch of my house which has not been cleaned scrutenized and redecorated....but no license. So I knew today would include some fun filled hours at the DMV. But as usual I digress....let's just know that today, I braved DMV. So I call the finger print agency and talk over many detailed non emotional, must just answer the question things, until he asks me to give the little 6 digit number on the right hand side of my form. I give him the numbers....there is a tiny pause...and then he says "Miss Hope, are you adopting a child?" Then I pause....I don't know what it was about this nameless faceless voice on the phone asking me that question, made me start to cry, but I choked back tears as I said 'Yes, Yes I am!" For whatever reason, that 6 digit code made Aria real for me and this man became much more relaxed and personable on the phone after he heard me dealing with the emotions. At the end he gave me my appointment and I asked him his name. Rick....well Rick..Thank you! Thank you for making Aria real for me.....forever, thank you!

So this morning I beat myself awake to make it DMV early enough so that I didn't miss my 2:00 appt. with the finger print folks. I needed to get a new license, picture and all.....well, you know, had to get up in enough time to look cute :-) I was very proud of the fact that I was up, coifed, my dog walked and out the door at 9:00...very ontime. DMV was uneventful and only lasted an hour.....pleasant! Hot model guy calls and asks if I can help him drop off his rental car from mom and aunties visiting and drive him back to work at 12:00, I say...yes. So I have two hours to kill, well I have a car full of Goodwill...so I go to Goodwill and donate....yippeee. I need a toner cartride for my printer, cause a huge big fat hugo production company wants to look at my scripts and well my printer just ran out of ink. So I buy the cartridge, but I STILL I have to write my letter. I don't know what it is about your dreams getting placed in your lap that makes you procrastinate, I was supposed to write my cover letter, BEFORE the journal......ok???? What's up with that? Oh well, they need the script on their desks by monday, I can overnight it tomorrow....all is well. Back to the story.

Ok, I still have an hour to kill and Big Lots is just across the street. But before Big Lots I want to look into a store next door to Office Depot called "The Pump Station" I walk in and it is a haven, rather a mecca for breast feeding mommies. I walk in a nice and lovely woman gets up off the floor and approaches me. I am not pregnant.... I panic for just a moment....ok....you're adopting....it's ok to go into a breast feeding store if your adoping....right....ok! It's ok. I announce I AM ADOPTING A BABY!!!! I think I must have said an acceptable secret code, because she continues towards me. "Are you planning on breast feading?" she asks in the nicest "melt your heart" kinda way. Ok. I am I am considering breast feeding (those of you adopting infants, hopefully know about this, so I don't have to explain, cause I am still a little weided out that you can breast feed a baby that you didn't give birth to) "Well" she says, "Here's some information about adoptive breast feeding, we have classes on such and such a date....here's a list of our classes, welcome, good luck with your baby" Ok....the classes they offer are amazing, I mean AMAZING, everything you ever needed to know about raising a baby, and they will teach me about breast feeding. I tell her that I need to clear it with the SW, cause in some cases breast feeding is considered child abuse. She said she knew that, but that I should discuss it with my SW and it should be fine, come back when I have the baby and we'll work together on getting you prepared to breast feed. They also have clothes for every stage of development and classes on development, nutrition, toxins in the city, how to disipline and nurture...you name it they have it, including mommie and baby yoga, which I want to do. WOW! Ok....on to Big Lots

As I am in adopting baby mode I decide I should go over there and find some great priced items to add to my mounting trove of Aria treasures. I find an amazing set of really cute pink/flowered/bubble bottles that come with cleaner brush and dishwasher cage (for nipples and tops) for $7. I was like..."Do I need this many bottles (9)????" Oh well....I buy them as well as a bib, and some cute, really cute, spoons and bowl, I know I wont need them for a while, but I'll be happy I have them when she's 6 months. Ok, so for a moment, I touch a really cute barbie arm chair. Now I don't want to raise my mixed race/or other child on the blonde barbie stereotype for big items like a chair so I move on. A black hand touches the chair after me, I glance up at the man and think...."well...he looks pretty poor, but good for him, thinking of his daughter/niece or whatever" He gives me an almost toothless grin, has a few teeth holding on at the bottom and one not fairing so well at the top. "Can I ask you a question he asks?" Ok....he smells like a heavy smoker, the man is so thin you can see his bones finely chizled in his deep black face. I can tell, that even though he is polite, young and clean, he's homeless. Ok....my rule on the homeless... which are all over Hollywood, I will talk with them, look them in the eye, listen to the truth, but I will not always hand them money. But I will listen...and talk with them. I often feel that the world treats them so badly and pretends that they are not there, but these are people, poor/mentally challenged/drug addicted or otherwise, they are still people. So I listen to him tell me his brother is in jail, he lent him money, now he doesn't have any etc. I look at his eyes and listen. He stops his story and says "boy, are you pretty." I smile and say "thanks" "I like your eyes" he says, I reply that I like his too, cause I do, they are very warm and beautiful. He asks if I need to go to work or something....I tell him that I am headed to a finger printing appointment cause I am adopting a baby. He then tells me.....now this is the cool part....as he is looking to the sky and closes his eyes...."Oh....boy is she beautiful...your baby is gorgeous...and half black....wow, you are gonna be a great mom, you are gonna be ok." He then looks at me again, this time in my eyes. YOU ARE GONNA BE JUST FINE and A GREAT MOTHER. I smile, "Thank you, Thank you!!!" I tell him she's coming through Los Angeles Fost/Adoption etc. He then proceeds to tell me that he lost HIS daughter to Los Angeles county foster care....he was homeless....ect (probably a little more to his story, than he told me, but what a painful thing for him to lose his child) he told me if he had had the money he would have given his little girl (Madeline) the chair. I tell him that he is smart and articulate and can get a job and live any life he chooses. I told him I believed he was capable of great things, just like he believed that I could be a mother. He smiled....a real and genuine smile, told me his name was Tommy, I told him mine and he left, he didn't even ask me for money.

I proceeded in line and he came up behind me, he had a toothbrush, tooth paste and some shoe laces. He said that talking to me made him want to get a room, clean up and start his life over. I told him that he could. But he was so smart and intelligent, he didn't need me to tell him. I told the cashier to put his items on my bill. He then joked about getting more. I joked and told him, I was pretty poor, and could afford more, he smiled. He said he believed me, If I had money, I wouldn't be buying my bottles at Big Lots. :-) He told me again what a great mom I would be and we hugged and Tommy went off on his way.

I really hope the best for Tommy, he deserves it. Ok, off to meet Hot Model Guy and get him back to work. I told him the Tommy story and he smiled. Not just a smile, but and "I love you for being so crazy" smile. Ok....I spend too much time at the Zen Tea Bar talking to Hot Model Guy after dropping him off that I almost am late to my finger print appointment . CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.....the finger print appointment is the whole reason I got up early this morning (DMV/NEED NEW LICENSE/FOR FINGER PRINT APPOINTMENT) Ok some may not think that 8:00am is early, BUT I worked till 2:00am the night before.

So I rush into finger print place....was like....oh Sh*t I forgot the thingy from DMV in the car. She looks.... at me like. "ok, flake-o go get it" I run back to my car which is 2 blocks away, cause I don't want to pay for parking thinking, how am I EVER gonna get Aria to ANYTHING on time....all well and good if a breast pump store lady and a homeless man think I'll be a good mom, but the "Finger print lady" is the one who matters here.
So I get back in time winded and sit down. She's pretty matter of fact, but I see a picture of a beautiful and I mean gorgeous teenager on her desk. She looks just like the woman doing the finger printing. She asks me some questions and she gets to the 6 digit number. "Are you adoping?" she asks. YES I AM! I answer and almost start to cry again. She looks at me...."That's wonderful!!!!! You are adopting from Los Angeles County." She tells me she knows about the kind of adoption I am doing and says that she thinks it is SO BEAUTIFUL. I then ask her about the girl on her desk. The girl is her daugher, 16 years old, and she also has an 18 year old daughter. Their father died 3 weeks after the 16 year old was born. She has been a single parent all of their lives. I listen to her talk for an hour until another person comes in. What an amazing woman. I tell her that she's amazing and that I hope I'm as good a mother as she is one day. She smiles, now she's tearing up. "You will be" I can't imagine being 22 and having your husband die with 2 little girls. It must have been so hard just dealing with the greif let alone having a new born and a two year old. WHAT AN AMAZING WOMAN!!!!

On the way home I decide that I am going to start writing a children's story called Angel Child, that will have all the characters from today in it, (in a children's version) to tell to Aria at bedtime. It will map out this whole experience in language she will be able to understand. I'll have an artist friend of mine illustrate it, so that she will grow up with her own adoption story, when she is old enough to understand, I will tell her that she is the child in the story.

Ok....now I have to write a cover letter to the mongo fat hunking hugo production company so that they will buy my script. WISH ME LUCK.....we (kiddo and I) need it. Not that I would stop shopping at Big Lots for clothes and what nots, but boy would it be fun to have the option....not too. :-) Be well.....peace and love. Remember to smile.....often :-)

# 4

Yeah Fun!

Date Posted: 10-04-2005 at 10:33 AM

Ok, so I called the Agency today cause HMG did not get his evaluation questionaire to send in for me. All my other friends have sent them in, I asked him if he had sent his in and he said he never got it??? Ok.....really???? So I called the agency to send another one. I also wanted to ask what my REAL deadline for this mountain of paperwork (which I have climbed a good chunk of) was due. She laughed and said not to worry about it, bring what I have done to my first class (4 days from now :-) ) and they will tell me when the rest is due. She then mentioned that they had 2 priority families that they were trying get processed through the system and placed as soon as possible. My heart sank a little, but then I thought....well it's only two families. I'm sure they will look at my stuff and process me after them, that's not too bad. She then proceeds to tell me that I am one of the two families....the other is a couple (gay daddies I wonder????) YEAH!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! She said my paperwork had come in from my work and most of my references and they were all really positive so they moved my status up last week to priority. HOW FUN!!!!! I really don't know what "priority family" means exactly....but it's fun :-)

# 5

Day 1 of Class :-)

Date Posted: 10-10-2005 at 10:10 PM

Ok, the day finally came Adoption Class sessions 1 and 2 :-). The night before class I was hanging out with HMG and we were talking about life, we finally broached the subject of baby. He seemed so apprehensive talking about baby. Now, I know that this is not HIS baby, this is mine :-). But he brought up some points that made me sad :0( I sensed by our conversation that he was feeling....um left out...or sad....that baby would soon be coming into my life. He knows that he has been the most important person in my life for so long and baby threatens that a little. (as my time will be scheduled and a little limited.) I must add that I love this man so very dearly....deeply and greatly, so much some times I wonder why....really wonder why. I look at his face, the way his cheek slopes into his chin, the way his lip curls weird when he talks and my heart fills with love. I look into his deep blue eyes and I fall into them. It's not just because he is beautiful, it is because I love the beauty in him, I know his inner beauty, and he is not perfect, he is highly imperfect, but I love the man he strives to be, I love the imperfect man he is. Most people look at him with lust and envy, I do not, I look at him with absolute and total love for his imperfection which I love so perfectly.

Now, he is bisexual as I have already mentioned. Every man woman and beast is in love with him, most walk into the famous zen tea house and fall instantly in love with him. In fact a gay newpaper in town wrote a whole article about how hot the Barista (HMG) at the famous zen tea house was. He eats it up and dates often and many, man woman and.....well, thank God not beast :-). But as stated before... we love each other. But my decision to adopt this baby was my way of walking my own path....and even though I deeply and genuinely love this man more than anything I have known.....I walk this path alone.

And for the first time.... the day before I started class, I cried.....hard... about the fact that in a perfect world, we would be doing this together. In a perfect world, this would be OUR child. I think back on the hours of video, I still need to edit of us, on camping trips and vacations and times together and I think about how we should be together adding our child's smiling face to the next videos.....but that is not how it is right now. Right now it's just me.....so I continue my journey.

First day of school or MAPP class. I walk in early...again, good girl!!!! Outta the house, walked the dog, washed, brushed hair and teeth, looking good... smile. I walk in perky happy, ready to be "mommie" and I walk into a room of three couples. They are beautiful....adults, mother/father's.....husbands/wives......man/woman's and then there's me.....just me!

I stood for a moment and almost just turned around and left. I envisioned my life walking into Aria's classroom one day and have all the families waiting for teacher/parent day and their faces would look up and in I would come.....alone, just me. But I sat down and stayed... a little quite, I had never felt so much like an adult in my whole life. One of the adoptive parents asked if I was teaching the class....I said "no" I was adopting. Everyone just stayed silent....again.....I wanted to run. But the nicest, bubbliest person I have ever seen bounded into the room and talked about just flooding the coffee machine and hoped we didn't want coffee....she was teaching the class. She said we should have 7 families so we were waiting for 14 people....then she looked at me...and corrected herself, 13 people....ok, OUCH!

And in a few moments after this wonderful bubbly coffee machine challenged social worker annouces she's teaching the class....the GAY DADDIES walk in. I breathe a sigh of relief, someone I know....sort of, someone who is not a perfect, white American couple with all the qualifications and rights to be a parent (not to say that they didn't) but at least they where not so obviously perfect model couples. This time they were in casual wear and equally (I think) as nervous as me. I smiled at them and wanted to move closer, but didn't :-).

The cute bubbly social worker still was having coffee drama and asked for help....all the father/husbands got up and went to her rescue....which left the ladies....and the gay daddies (father/husbands who didn't need go, as she had enough help). We began to chat....I started to feel better as we told our stories to each other. I recounted a story that HMG and I talked about the night before, where he said "you'll be fine", in reference to my fears about being a single mother. We all talked about the fears and difficulties adopting this way brings and suggested he create an automated answering machine that said "for fear of adopting press 2" (to which you hear, "you'll be fine") "For hormonal crying also press 2", "for REAL crying press 3" (to which you hear "I'll be right there") etc. We all started to laugh and I began to realize what HMG 's real value to me was.....he is my best friend, my touch stone and my support and even though we are not here together, not doing this as a couple, he is here with me in my heart and he is there for me when I really need him....I was beginning to feel much better.

At the last minute a beautiful African American SINGLE (yeah) woman walked in.....ok another single mommy....let's begin :-)
We learn about the kids and their issues, my heart just opens and breaks for these little guys....I want to adopt them all :-) We go around the room and talk about ourselves...I tell them that I was preschool teacher and used to be Snow White at Disneyland and jokingly suggest that that fact alone gives me the credentials I need to be a mommie, more laughter, more...me having fun and feeling like I really fit in. Ok...lunch time.

There is a Denny's across the street, and some places down the road etc. I could get in my car and go home and eat, cause I'm close, but decide to make some calls, see if I can get a pal to join me at Denny's I want to talk about how class is going....can't get anyone on the phone, so I decide to go to Denny's alone. Ok I walk into the Denny's Zoo....I try to get a table, but there is too long of a wait and the idea of sitting at a booth made for six alone....really made me sad, so I turned to leave. Then I hear my name....I look around "who knows my name???" And it is one of the Gay Daddies, he waves for me to join them, my heart melts and I smile....we sit at the counter and eat, become friends and talk about all of our fears going into this and our reasons for adopting and our hopes for our kids. I talk about everything, HMG and all.... and we decide that our kids need to grow up together. And it was THEM who mentioned it....we are becoming friends....ok....no more "sad sack girl", bust out the martinis....I'm on my way to becoming a mommie!!!!! I am mommie hear me roar!!!! I am alone, I am still hip and cool and not really an adult yet (example....the gay daddies wanted to know why I was adopting in my early 20's..."ooooh Thank you") I am 37 turning 38...and I will be Aria's Mommie. YEAH!!!!!

We go back to class and learn that to adopt a baby (girl, which is what I want) I'll either have to wait until my social security kicks in....or foster a "high risk" child, who in a year could go back home to their parents. WOW....with all the pain and suffering I have endured in my life....I will fall in love with this kid and then have to give her away....ok...now's when I need God to kick in. Cause again, I could run.....but I have to believe that she's going to come to me....and even if (God forbid....please) she has to leave me....I can handle it...and that a few days are better than none on the road of loving and helping a child grow....and the dream, prayer and belief that one day she will stay with me.....be a part of our family of 2 will come true. The dream that HMG will see her beautiful face and fall in love with this little child and one day we will be a family....a weird arty farty little LA family, will soon come true. Those are the dreams....and I hold them :-)

Speaking of dreams....when my little brother died...his mother (he was not my real little brother, he was a preschool student who was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, I began teaching him at home for 2 1/2 years. We became friends and family and he died in my arms. Three days before he died he asked if I would be his sister, because he knew that he would never have one, I agreed and that was that) his mother dreamed of having a home for homeless street children. She had sheltered a child in Brasil, (Pablo was part Brasilian) who was a street child, he later dissappeared. After that moment and Pablo's death she dreamed of creating a safe place for street children. Well yesterday, after 13 years, we created Pablo's Friends Foundation, legally. We will begin to build a home in Mexico to house homeless street children. So as I prepare to adopt Aria, Pablo's mom is watching her dream finally come true after 13 years of waiting. My mother and I are on the board of directors and another very significant person is an honorary board member. Pablo had a "girl friend" Selena, she was a beautiful shy little girl, they were raised together since birth, they shared a nanny and went to the same preschool, Pablo protected this shy little girl ferociously. When on the school yard, if anyone ever dared to pick on Selena, mild, beautiful, sweet, good natured, Pablo would come to her rescue, and tell the other kids that it was "not nice" to pick on her. It was so hard on her when Pablo died, (she was only 6) but as a young child she said she would often talk to him, in fact as years went on after his death, she would talk about him as if he were still alive, she believed that he talked to her....always. Just as I believe he talks to me.

Anyway, what was so beautiful and amazing was....the honorary member of the Board of Directors for the Pablo's Friends Foundation, was Selena, an amazingly tall, thin and goregous blond 19 year old, who is a wise and intelligent college student who steadfastly stood up for her protector and friend. She still believs that he talks to her. It was so amazing to have her on the board of his foundation cause she was exactly the same age that I was when I met him!!!!! And she represents who he was....and they shared something so special, that none of us share...they were kids together!!!! They shared that special life together, and she holds a secret knowing that we do not have :-)

And as for dreams coming true...Pablo's mom is starting her foundation....Selena's mom is marrying the man of her dreams after a bitter divorce years after Pablo's death (she credits Pablo for meeting him, as she met him at one of Pablo's memorials). My mother is getting a grand child....I am having a baby and.....my films, the ones I had to sent last week are being read next weekend at a table reading.....and being discussed....word has it...they're are thinking of buying at least one.....YEAH!!! Ok....if they buy one....just one!!!!! I'll be a millionaire. I mean it....a millionaire!!!!!! RIGHT ON!!!!!.....Dreams come true. Just believe. As a friend of mine who was my Prince Charming, just recently said, he is an "eternal believer that this would happen" I am begining to believe too....believe in it all. Even though it may be a rough journey....we need to continue to believe!

Cause.... "when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires, will come to you! If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme, when you wish upon a star as dreamers do."

So I.... and we...should continue to dream!
.....ok I believe that!

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