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Adoption Community Information
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| Poem- Legacy of an adoptee |
Date Posted: 08-12-2005 at 11:52 AM |
| Once there were two women who never knew each other... One you do not remember, the other you call mother. Two different lives, shaped to make your one... One became your guiding star, the other became your sun. The first gave you life and the second taught you haw to live it... The first gave you a need for the love and the second was there to fill it One gave you a nationality, and the other gave you a name... One gave you a seed of talent, and the other gave you an aim. One gave you emotions, and the other calmed your fears... One saw your first sweet smile and the other dried your tears. One gave you up, it's all that she could do... The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you. And now you ask me through the fears, The age old question unanswered throughout the years... Heredity or environment, Which sm I a product of... Neither my darling, neither... Just two different kinds of love. Author Unknown |
| Waiting |
Date Posted: 08-13-2005 at 10:47 AM |
| Today is a hard day. My sister-in-law, Lori, is going to deliver the letter that I wrote to the woman I think may be my birthmom. When all this started two months ago, and I guess I should feel lucky that it has only taken two months, most people search for years, all I was after was medical information. I have thought of my b-mom many times over the years, wondered if she was thinking of me, especially on my birthdays and holidays. I wondered who this woman was, why she gave me up and if my b-dad know about me or was I a child or rape (my worst fear). Who did I get my blue eyes from, my long, thick brown hair, and my smile from? Why didn't they want me? Then, as I grew up and was in my twenties I realized things weren't that simple. I was a drug user in a bad relationship(highschool sweetheart) and somehow survived and at the end of my twenties I realized I needed to get my life together. I started to understand the reasons why she could have given me up, there were so many reasons why and I wondered if I would ever know. Then, God brought my husband, George, into my life. He got me back into church and off the drugs and even though I knew he had problems with his heart I wanted this life, including his two children from his first marriage and all that comes with it. I was never going to get married or have children, I never had the need or want and then all of a sudden WHAM!!, I find myself doing both. The day I married my husband, Goerge, was one of the happiest days of my life. In my parents eyes I saw that all their dreams for me were coming true, their prayers had been answered. It was one of the maybe three times in my life I had seen my dad cry, he was so proud. The day my daughter was born was another amazing day and again my parents were there and that same look was in their eye, tears and all. I wondered how my b-mom could give me up, I really don't think I could have been that unselfish. I took one look at my daughter and fell in love and I had no doubt I would put my life down for this child if need be. I had no idea what unconditional love was until her. I was thinking of searching but I still wasn't sure if I was ready to do that. My daughter, BreAnna, was one month and a day old the day that George had the heart attack. He hadn't felt good for a few days and one minute he was walking down the hallway and the next he was having a heart attack. He had one two years prior to me meeting him and I was there when my mom had one a year and a half prior so I knew what was happening. The next day my husband called me from the hospital and said I needed to get there right away, the doctor wanted to talk to me about bypass surgery...I paniced! The doctor gave us two choices, have the surgery or go home and die within six months, he had surgery two days later. I have never been so torn in my life, BreAnna stayed with family and friends every other night so I could stay with Goerge and get some rest. I thank God for all those people and doctors and just the strength to get through the scariest and hardest time of my life. Obviously, searching for b-mom was put on the back burner for a while. BreAnna went in for her 2 year old checkup and in talking with her pediatrician she was very concerned and said we needed to find a medical background for my side and they were going to start screening Bre for heart problems and lukemia now, just as a precaution. I was so terrified for my daughter and for the first time angry that I did not know my history. My parents had been by my side 100% through all of this and were just as scared as I was, without them and God I wouldn't have made it through. I wasn't sure where to start searching and I wasn't about to learn how to use the computer that my husband said was easy, he told me I couldn't do anything to it that he couldn't fix (LOL) but I didn't believe him. One day I just sat down and typed in adoption and lets just say after two months I'm a pro... I stared a notebook and wrote down everything, I registered on every site I could find and prayed alot. I was still angry that I had to go through all this to find out medical info that I should have a right too. Three weeks into my search my parents called and said they needed to talk to me and could I come over, well, I thought the worst but it turned out to be the answer to a prayer. They knew my b-moms name, WOW! They had discussed it and decided to tell me and they were behind me all the way. They said if they were adopted they would want to know too so they would support me in my decision. Within two weeks, and the help of some wonderful search angels, I had an address right here in Great Falls, less than 10 miles away from me. But I found that the anger was gone and in it's place were feelings I never expected. My first letter to her was cold and there wasn't much of me in it. I was not going to open myself up for being hurt. I wanted my info and that was it, but then I recieved my non-id info and that changed. She was a real person, who was 19 and in love with my b-dad, her family was not a close one, and all she had was my b-dad and I realized that I felt for this person. I have no way or knowing how she felt back in the 70's, what she was going through and that she did what she felt was best and it was. Her selflessness gave me the family I have today, my parents, my friends, my husband and my daughter and for that I owe her a thousand thank yous !!!!! It felt like I rewrote her letter a million times and each time a little more of me went into it, I was emailed a poem that said what I couldn't and I included it in her letter. I sit here today with a family surrounding me that has been touched by adoption in many ways, I learn more everyday, and it is bringing all of us closer day by day. As I am typing this letter my sister-in-law is taking a letter to the woman I believe is my b-mom, am I scared? I"M TERRIFIED! I have gone from wanting medical info and not wanting to meet her to wanting to know this woman who is so unselfish and so strong, and yes, I have wonderful parents and they will always be my parents, nothing will ever change that so why is it so important that this woman accept me??? I don't know, I'm afraid of that answer I guess, but it took me months to get to where I am now and I guess if it takes her a while to get to where I am I will wait, patiently, and I will pray for her, for me and my family, and for all of the other adoptees, birth moms and dads and everyone who is touched by adoption, I will pray and wait to hear from her. |
| Frustration |
Date Posted: 08-13-2005 at 04:21 PM |
| I'm a little lost and don't know what to think... lori took the letter out and noone was home so she left her name and number hoping someone would call back. An elderly lady called back, said her name was Virginia Wagner and what did lori need, Lori told her she had a letter from a friend who was adopted and looking for her birthmom and the lady cut her off and said "What Wrong?", lori replied "nothing and continued to explain that my b-mom's name was Virginia and the lady cut her off again to say that "she was very close with her two daughters and that neither of them had EVER placed a baby up for adoption, she would know."... The problem I'm having is that my non-id info states that my b-mom was not close to her mom or sister at the time of my birth, the only children in the family were her and her sister, and her mom was remarried and loving in Great Falls(her new last name began with a W but the rest of it has been whited out) and this lady's age is right to be my birthgrandma. This ladys name is Virginia Wagner and she answered questions that weren't even asked and was very adament about it. Maybe i'm hoping to hard but my gut tells me there is more here than meets the eye. I have one of the search angels who sent me info on my b-mom researching this ladys info and hopefully we will know if she is part of my b-family or not. I don't know how to feel, if it is her mom and she doesn't know about me I guess she does now and if she does know about me and is trying to protect her daughter, or herself, I'm almost angry. If it is them I hope she calls Lori back after having some time the either think about it or contact my b-mom. If not I guess I hire a CI to find her. I'm just so lost. I was so sure it was her and now I have to start all over again. I guess I will wait and see what happens. AAAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG |
| I found my birth father!! |
Date Posted: 08-18-2005 at 07:51 PM |
| Alot has happened since my last entry and I'm not sure how to feel. One day I was upset over not finding my b-mom and the next I found my b-dad. I decided since we hit a road block in the search for my b-mom I would start looking for my b-dad. I took my non-id information and posted it on registries and called my folks and we went over it again. My b-dad's mom worked at Buttreys here in town when I was born and my dad remembered an old friend who worked there about the same time so he called him, his friend remembered a first name, Leda, but couldn't remember the last. I was bummed but what could I do, at least we had a first name. A few hours later he called my folks back, he remembered the last name, we had it!!! I went on the internet and posted and emailed the wonderfull people who had been helping me search for my b-mom. I had hope and it took my mind off of what had happened with the search for my b-mom. My mom called and wanted to go to the library the next day to look up information on the name and I said fine, I could use a day out and lunch with my mom. I wondered how my parents were feeling about all this, they have been so supportive through all this, helping me search in any way they could but my gut told me it had to bug them too. I look at my daughter and think if she were adopted I know it would bother me, but as an adoptee I understand the need to know where you came from, the questions I have and the medical information I need. We went to the library the next morning and started searching phone books and the Polk books, within minutes I had the names of my b-father and uncle. I went back through old newspapers just in case my birth was printed in the paper by accident, no luck! I came home and posted the new information I had and bingo-we had a phone #. I called my sister in law again, she is such an angel, and asked if she would do me one more favor, would she call the number and see if it was him??? Of course she said yes, she would call me back. I decided while I was waiting to call a gentleman in our local phone book that had lived here back when I was born and had the same last name, he still lived at the same address so I figured I had a shot. I called and at the same moment he said Hello I was overcome with fear. What was I doing??? What was I going to say, I should have practiced this. I asked if he was related to these people I knew were my grandparents, he said yes, a third cousin to my grandfather but why was I asking??? I stamered and said my mom was an old friend of one of their boys and was trying to locate him, did he know how I could reach them? Long silence, and I swear my hands went numb and I must have looked petrified, even my dogs were looking at me funny!! I am not at liberty to give out that information he said, I was trying to think quick, I know they live in Kentucky I said, I just don't know if I have the current phone number. WHEW- or so i thought- Which boy are you looking for he asked?? AUGGG!!! I broke down and told him who I was and said I wasn't sure which brother I was looking for just that I had traced them to Kentucky and really needed the medical information for my daughter and I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I expected him to hang up but 20 minutes later, without him telling me a whole lot, I knew my father went by "Lucky" and had been unlucky and the person my sister in law was calling was his brother. As I hung up with him my sister in law called back and I filled her in, she said noone answered so she left a message and would call me when he called back. I was afraid to find out what had happened to "Lucky" but I also had to know, I just prayed the door wouldn't get shut in my face again!! My sis called back about an hour later and I prepared for the worst but it was actually good news. My uncle knew about me and was willing to talk, he told her my father was not well and he would call her back in the morning because his cell phone was losing connection, they were having a bad storm. I said okay and knew I wouldn't sleep at all. I went to work the next day with no sleep and the fear that he wouldn't call but I kept telling myself that he knew about me and that was good, he was willing to talk and that was good too. My sis called me at work and said that he would call me either that night or the following day and that he was excited and would explain about my b-dad when he called. He was alive but in a home and had been for 25 years and had the brain of about a 2 year old. I was so sad for my father but in the same sense at peace because at least I found him. I know I would sleep that night and needed too, I was exhausted. I wasn't prepared for the roller coaster when I started all this and I have always been the type of person who kept people at arms length so I wouldn't get hurt, I knew I was going to have to start letting people in and it scared me but I had some peace that night and I slept... |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: Poem- Legacy of an adoptee |
By Waco88(01-14-2008 at 02:14 AM) |
| This makes me cry (happy tears) every time I read it. I am an adoptee starting the journey of searching. I always fear about my A-mom's feelings and this poem really makes me tell her how I feel and what she means to me. Thank you so much for posting it. And your story has given my strength. <3 Stephanie |
| Amazing. |
By educatedguess(09-10-2006 at 09:09 AM) |
| Ya know, Aura... I have lived 22 years without having much contact with anyone that is also a closed-adoptee... reading your entries here and getting to interact with everyone on the forums is utterly amazing. I knew I wasn't alone in these feelings... but I never expected the similarities to be SO incredibly strong and never thought that silent bond would hit so hard. Thank you for inviting me to read this. You're heaven-sent. <3 |
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