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Adoption Community Information
| another Wednesday |
Date Posted: 06-08-2005 at 06:56 PM |
| Just sitting around tonight. Not much going on and Brian seems to want to fight for some reason. Why are husbands like that? I think men have a version of PMS that appears sometimes. Its a shame he is in that kind of mood because the kids are all out for the night and it would be a good oppurtunity for some quiet one on one time that seems to be so rare. So instead I am back at the computer,on the forum and surfin the net. I have decided to try and send Tiffany(bdaughter) a letter I wrote her. Of course that means I have to find out from her amom if I can do that, where to send it, and if she will even accept it. GRRRRRRRRRR! Its just a letter for cryin out loud and I just want to know that it will get to Tiffany and be read by Tiffany. I dont mind if her amom reads it, I have nothing to hide. It just really tells a little about me, what I like, dislike and who I am apart from and besides being her bmom. I am not looking for a great mother/daughter relationship, that is not my privledge to have. I want her to know about who she came from and what kind of person I am. I have always been afraid that she thinks she was the throw away child of some knocked up, irresponsible,uncaring teenage girl. I think she needs to know that she was born to a normal person and not a monster, and that she was very much loved and wanted. I will email amom soon and see what she says. I have to rely on her for any info I have and I feel like a dog waiting outside the door for scraps. Could someone please throw me a bone here. |
| warm fuzzy feelings |
Date Posted: 06-10-2005 at 07:23 PM |
| I love my patients. I work with a great group at the hyperbaric/woundcare center. I messed a couple of days work due to a sinus infection and when I got back they were all concerned about me and why I was gone . Taking care of the same group of people every day builds an attachment in a way. I am glad to see them not need us anymore, but I miss a lot of them when they are done with treatment. Most of these people are older and have led amazing lives. I learn from them all the time. In the hyperbaric chamber we talk a lot. Sometimes to overcome claustraphobia and anxiety and sometimes just for good conversation. These people tell me things about their life achievements and regrets. We talk about things they wish they had said or done and things they will say or do if given another chance. We talk about wifes, husbands, kids, grandkids, and any other person that is important to us. Sometimes we share opinions on important issues and sometimes we share recipies.Somewhere along the way the lines between caregiver and patient become blurred and we are just friends. I like it that way. Some people say that in any part of the medical field you can't become to attached to the people you treat. I say you can't remain detached and still do the very best job possible for them. I see each one of my patients as the person that someone in this world loves more than anyone else. We all deserve that. Kitti Oh yea, no word from Tiffanys amom yet. |
| tough question |
Date Posted: 06-15-2005 at 07:10 PM |
| Tonight has been rainy and yucky in my corner of the world. I think the weather has found a way to reflect my feelings. I was asked today how many children I have. I hate that question. Not because I am ashamed of Tiffany but because I hate to explain that she was adopted. It makes me feel like less of a person and a lousy mother. If I say 3 children instead of 4 I feel the guilt of a lie. Even if Tiffany does not consider me her mother in any way, I still think of her as my child. I carried her and loved her and to deny her would be to deny myself. Sometimes, I really don't know how I will get through the next day,week,year,whatever, without knowing my child. I guess it will just go on status quo and I will do my best. |
| almost vacation time |
Date Posted: 06-29-2005 at 07:42 PM |
| Sitting here taking a break from the endless details and preparations involved with leaving town and my mind is thinking 1000 things at once. We leave in 2 days for Nashville where my daughter Traci will be representing out state at the Miss Teen America pageant and there is an air of excitment all around. My daughter is all sparkles and smiles with the right attitude about the whole experience. It will be wonderful for her no matter what the outcome. Still in all this I wonder if my firstborn daughter would like to know what her sister has achieved and would she be interested in following the pageant. Would she want to watch if she could? From what I learned from the amom, Tiffany is the most like Traci of all the other siblings. I hope one day she wants to know them. Confession..........I broke down and did a search online until I found a picture of Tiffany from high school. It was taken at least 3 years ago but I looked at it for the longest time and just sat and cried. It is the first time I have EVER seen her and the emotions were amazing. I looked at this beautiful young woman and saw my own eyes and smile looking back at me,the shape of her mouth belongs to myself and all my girls. Wow! I saw her fathers hair color and skin tone and I thought of how her father and I dreamed of being a family and raising our child with all the love we had never been given. We had 5 months of my pregnancy to dream and then just when I believed it would work our parents found out and had another plan. Dreams and love die hard at 15, but for all the heartbreak there is a young woman in the world that is living proof that we were something special. Even though we did not have the chance to raise her she carries us with her everyday and she is one of the fortunate few who were truely born of love. I was separated from Tiffanys father and kept pretty much on lockdown till she was born. I passed my time reading to her and singing to her and trying to tell her a million things she might want to know but I knew she would never remember hearing from me. I will sign this off with one of the songs I used to sing to her in those precious hours we had before her birth. Rows and flows of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way that you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show And you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions I recall I really don't know love Really don't know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way Oh but now old friends they're acting strange And they shake their heads And they tell me that I've changed Well something's lost but something's gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life I really don't know life at all |
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