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Adoption Community Information
| Sunshine |
Date Posted: 06-07-2005 at 12:32 PM |
| I spent all day Sunday at the pool with Courtni and Nicholas. I wanted to have a day where I could spend some one on one with my babies. I used to hate it when my mother referred to me as her baby. I now find myself doing the same thing. Courtni being only 10 and Nicholas 5 they are still babies.....or so I like to think. In any case we all had a day of sunshine at the pool. It was nice. We played, laid out, swam, then went home and had a great dinner that had been prepared by daddy. It is now Tuesday, and boy oh boy am I suffering. I didn't realize how much sun I had gotten. My little ones are fine, I was smart enough to put sunscreen on them...DUH mom! I am now walking around like a robot telling my 5 year old..." Don't touch mommy's arms o.k.? I want to hug him so bad, so I have him lay in my lap so I can rub his little head. I found myself thinking about you last night. You will just pop into my head at any moment. It doesn't take much. A smell, a baby commercial, anything and my mind is on you. I wonder how your summer is going. Do you have a summer job and if so doing what? I am like such a little kid when it comes to you. I am full of questions. I am relishing the new inner peace I have had since the phone call. I can hardly explain the wave of calmness and elation that has washed over me since. No one can rain on my parade. You are safe, and you are loved. I couldn't ask for anything more. I enjoy writing in this journal, so you will probably hear from me daily if not every other day. Life is funny and changes moment by moment....I figure why not document it. You have a beautiful day my sunshine. |
| I have mail!!! |
Date Posted: 06-08-2005 at 01:37 PM |
| I sent Courtni out to check the mail, and there it was! The Childrens Home Society sent the consent form for me to sign and have notorized. It is now 3:13p.m. and I am going to try and make it to the bank, and have it done so I can mail it off first thing in the morning. Patience has never been one of my strong points. I am so excited. I don't know why. I guess the thought of knowing my information will be there waiting for you when your ready. Courtni knows about you and is almost as excited as I am. She is so funny in that when people ask her if she has any brothers and sisters she says..." Yes, I have 1 brother and 1 sister." I have explained to her at length that you have a family of your own. That you were adopted as a baby. She of course wanted to know why and if she would ever be able to know you. I explained that was up to you and God. She is far too wise for her years. I think most children are. We adults don't give them near enough credit. Kids are so perceptive. I have never lied to my kids. I don't believe in it. I ask them to be honest with me and to lie to them would be a tad hypocritical. I promise never to lie to you if you come asking questions. I am sure that some of your questions may be difficult ones, but I will try my best to answer them. I also wouldn't blame you if you were or are angry with me. I won't give excuses for what I did, but tell you why. I have to say I have no regrets other than not having an open adoption. Closed adoption is far too difficult for all parties I believe. Forms about forms needing to be filled out before you can know what color hair someone has. I wonder sometimes how it would have gone had I had an open adoption, but one could look back and what-if all day long. I look forward to the future. Graduations, marriages, grandchildren...all of it in due time. |
| I got old when I wasn't looking |
Date Posted: 06-18-2005 at 06:54 AM |
| I was driving in the car yesterday with Courtni and Nicholas. We were doing our typical....listening to music, all of us singing along. Nicholas beckoning from the backseat " Don't change it! I like this song!" I all of a sudden realized I was one of "those" mothers that I used to giggle at when I was a kid. You know the ones.... It got me started thinking.....when did I get old? I don't feel old ( most days) I have been told I don't look my age, but it is true....I am 34! My birthday was in May, and this is just now hitting me? I know myself pretty well, and think I know why all the introspectiveness. Nicholas...my youngest.....my baby...is starting kindergaten in the fall. I am really excited for him, yet it reminds me how they are growing up. I am so lucky to have gotten to stay home with them much of their lives. I worked as a nurse when Courtni was little for 3-4 years and missed out on so much. I don't want to miss anything. Nicholas lost his first tooth this week. It was so exciting for all of us. He got a visit from the toothfairy who he insisted was going to leave him candy. Sad to say the toothfairy did NOT leave candy but some bubbles and some bubble blowers instead. The evenings have been so mild and beautiful. We have spent the last 3 evenings outside catching lightening bugs. Nicholas wants to keep every one he catches. I have to explain that the mommy and daddy lightening bugs would miss them too much so we have to let them go to fly home. He understands that being that he doesn't let me out of his sight for longer than 3 minutes. I've been thinking about you. How your summer is going? Are you having fun? Funny how all the little simple questions weigh so heavily on ones mind. I wonder if you like ice cream, and if you do....what kind? Do you like Summer or are you more of a Spring or Fall person? Winter maybe? Personally, I like them all. If I had to choose....Fall is my favorite. I like the crispness of the air. The color of the changing leaves is gorgeous. Fall is almost like a new beginning. You were born in the fall. I remember the day you were born so clearly. September 29, 1987. I woke up that day and had noticed some pain in my back. I didn't think much of it. I went about making myself some breakfast and sat down to watch some t.v. My mom had left for work, and I had the entire house to myself. I had taken a nap in the early afternoon and woke up feeling some pretty sharp stomach pains. It was about 4 pm by this time. I remember thinking....today is the day. She is coming today. I called my mom at work and she said she was on her way and to hold tight. Now can someone explain that to me? How does a 16 year old 9 months pregnant...alone...in labor...hold tight??? I was far to excited to " hold tight" I don't remember the pain. I am sure I must have had some. I remember pushing you out into the world and my mom looking down to watch you come out. I was not one like my body exposed so I yelled..." MOM! Do you have to look between my legs?!" She looked surprised and a little hurt. She responded..." I'm sorry. I have never gotten to see a baby born...I have always been on the other side" Feeling horrible for having raised my voice I apologized and told me mom to feel free to watch. She was after all MY mom and if it weren't for her...I wouldn't be here having you. You were precious. Little blonde hairs all over your head. I know they tell you when your giving a child up for adoption not to hold the child. I was having none of that! I had waited too long to meet you. My mom and I took turns holding you. I knew I would be in the hospital for 2 days, and was determined to keep you with me those 2 days. I did. I kept you with me almost the whole time. I fed you, changed you, talked to you, sang to you, explained to you. You hardly ever cried. I would put your little body on a pillow on my lap and just stare at you. I wanted to memorize your face. " She has your nose" my mom would say. You may be wondering where your birthfather was in all of this. That is a long story better explained later on. I am not at all bitter or angry with him. I think people handle different situations as best as they know how. Well...Nicholas just popped his head into my bedroom and is looking for something to eat. I will write again soon. You have a wonderful Saturday! |
| The quiet of morning |
Date Posted: 06-21-2005 at 07:41 AM |
| I love how quiet the house is first thing in the morning. I am usually awakened by the kitty cat licking my face/mouth. She needs to let me know she is ready for her morning treats. I think I may have spoken too soon...Nicholas just popped his head into my bedroom. He is my get up at the crack of dawn child. Courtni will occasionally sleep in. I don't know if other parents wonder this but, what did we do before we had children? I can't even remember what I used to do. I dread the day that my babies grow up and move out. I am going to miss the " Mom? Are you cooking a big breakfast this morning or should I get some cereal?" I will miss going into their rooms every night when they are asleep. I always have to remove Courtnis glasses because she falls asleep watching her t.v. Nicholas usually gets himself into some strange unknown acrobatic position that I straighten him out from. Other times I just stand at the door and watch them sleep. I wonder what magnificant dream they are having. I was one kid shy last night. Courtni spent the night at one of her friends house. She has been into the sleepovers quite a bit this summer. I know I was the same way when I was her age. I am getting such joy watching her blossom into a beautiful young lady. She has such a big heart, and will do anything to make you smile. She went to leave for her friends house last evening and Nicholas came running to her for a kiss and a hug before she left. It is so cute to watch the 2 of them be sweet to one another. I am usually trying to keep them from killing one another. "MOM! HE IS IN MY ROOM AND WON"T LEAVE! GET HIM OUT!" Ahh brothers and sisters.....the complex relationship they have. I made my appointment for my doctor check up. I have such white coat anxiety. I used to not....until I started having some health issues. Now every time I need to go in to be seen I am like a little kid. I hate going! I am a nervous wreck. Friday at 3:15 pm.....I made it for afternoon so I would have time to calm myself before going. UHG! Charlie took the day off work so he can go with me. He is such a good man. I look at him sometimes and wonder how I got so lucky. He treats me so well. A good husband, good father, just a great person. A great person that likes to sleep in. As I write this he is sleeping behind me. He has never been a morning person, so when he gets a day off and can sleep in, he makes the most of it. I am going to have to get him up in a little bit. I promised Courtni that I would pick up one of her little friends so she could come over and go swimming. I pick her up and take her back home around 3. I have become the taxi service that I knew I would. I love it though. My parents never had time. They were so busy with work that we just kinda finned for ourselves most times. I had a good life growing up...nice homes...nice stuff...but at a price. I never saw my parents. I knew I wanted to be around more for my kids. I wanted to be there for everything. Fortunatly, I can be. I am a stay at home mommy for right now, and love it. I love nursing too....but it is nice to have the break. Well...I am off to start my day. .......thinking of you. |
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