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Adoption Community Information
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| "My Journey" page 1 |
Date Posted: 05-03-2005 at 12:00 AM |
| My Journey (Fall 2000-Now) Sunday, February 27, 2005 There comes a time when everyone has to discover and find themselves in life. When you come to realize that true happiness isn’t in being with someone, but in finding yourself and being able to accept and love yourself as you are. A time when you’re happy with yourself in your own heart. My journey in life that lead to finding and loving myself began when I was born, but the defining moments of my life came much later. I think one of the most defining times in my life began not long after I returned home from serving a mission in Uruguay. Now that I have come to this point in my life where I currently find myself, I have pinpointed where a beginning of this time in my life began. This, of course, represents a very personal journey for me. Then again the most personal journeys are what make us who we are and help us to become who the Lord wants us to be. This specific journey for me began in the fall of the year 2000. How appropriate, don’t you think? My journey beginning in the year 2000 when so many people wondered if the world was going to end then. And so it began, one summer night, my journey that would lead me here to where I am in my life right now. The beginning would be marked with pain and sorrow among many emotions. These poignant emotions would become my constant companions and would turn into my teachers in the next five years that would follow. To help you better understand what I’ve experienced and perhaps help you if you identify with me or what I’ve gone through/continue to go through, I will tell you now of how it all began. I was a recently returned missionary on cloud nine. I was engaged and feeling as if I were on top of the world. I was deeply in love with my fiancée as well. My fiancée, on the other hand, was unsure of himself and questioned my love continually. I don’t remember the exact day, but I can still see myself so clearly in my mind, when I remember this night. The day of our wedding wasn’t too far off and we were at my house one night, when my fiancée said he wanted to break off the engagement. He’d tried to break it off before then changed his mind, but something about this particular night caused me more pain then I’d felt in the past in dealing with this issue. I left my father, who was trying to talk to him and help him get over his fears, went upstairs and out into our backyard. What happened next is what I now call the beginning, which I once called the end. That was what I called it before I understood what the Lord and life had in store for me. I stood in my backyard that night and let myself cry. I sobbed uncontrollably and at first, I didn’t recognize the heart wrenching sounds to be coming from myself. Then when I realized I was hearing myself…In that moment of realization, I found myself at one with my heart and soul just as they shattered and broke into millions of tiny pieces. It was in that moment when my heart broke and my world shattered, that I realized how deeply I had loved. Also at this time, was when I made a promise to myself that I would never let myself go to this fragile, vulnerable place inside my heart again. I swore I would never love like that again. |
| "My Journey" page 2 |
Date Posted: 05-04-2005 at 12:26 AM |
| Needless to say, the next five years of my life became the hardest. Pain, sorrow and despair were my constant companions. I allowed nothing else to enter into myself because of my vow not to love again. After this night, I still went forward with the marriage because I thought maybe it could still work. Of course, as you know, the irreparable damage had already been done. For eight months, I tried to make things work, but my husband at the time didn’t try and abuse also came into the equation. After giving all I could, I told him goodbye and filed for divorce. When he left, I don’t know what he felt, but I felt little. I tried to be numb, but the intense pain of my shattered dreams and broken heart were too much for me. I chose to act as if I had no heart from that time on. I felt as if I had no heart because of how broken and shattered it had become. I figured I had no heart and if I acted like it then I would never feel anything again, especially love. Remember I had made a promise to never love again and I would do anything in my power to avoid loving again at this point in time. Also I would do anything to avoid the pain and sorrow of having another broken heart. Of course, as we all know, love will find a way back into your heart, no matter how or what you do to avoid it. So, one day I found myself dating a guy named J, who took advantage of my vulnerable state and I ended up pregnant. What came out of my being pregnant and somewhat alone was the decision to do what was best for my daughter and place her for adoption. One of the painful lessons I learned was what my precious Allie taught me. She taught and helped me to remember I had a heart and that I could still love. Of course, having my sweet Allie and then placing her, I once again felt as if my heart broke because I had loved deeply again. I’m still not sure how to explain or best say in words what happened next. I fell into a depression and had pain, sorrow and despair accompanying me yet again. I tried to do what I thought I should and what I thought would help me. I had been on probation regarding my church membership and had taken the necessary steps and completed my repentance process. Not long after I placed Allie, I regained a clean record and was able to return to full fellowship with my church. Despite all these blessings, privileges and spiritual things, I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of this depression that I had fallen into. As I tried to progress and move forward, I just kept getting stuck and I couldn’t figure out why. As always, the inevitable came of returning to the social world and beginning to date again. Not long after I had re-entered the social scene, I met a guy named J.J. He seemed strange and after I’d given him my phone number, I decided against dating him. Well, later on, we began to hang out as “friends”, which quickly lead to a serious dating relationship. Soon after our relationship became serious I noticed disturbing, negative similarities between him and my ex-husband so I broke it off with him. I wasn’t in a good place or strong enough at that time so soon after I broke it off, he began trying to get me to give him a second chance. I eventually gave in to him. |
| "My Journey" page 3 |
Date Posted: 05-05-2005 at 02:00 AM |
| Then because I was still in a vulnerable place at that time, he took advantage of me just as the other guys in my past had done. Once again, I found myself pregnant. Once again, I was being taught yet another painful lesson. What happened next occurred within the last year of my life, from Feb/Mar 04 until now (Feb/Mar 05). I was disfellowshipped from my church this time and had more serious consequences because of this being my second time in this situation. As I went through the pregnancy and came to the decision to place my second daughter for adoption, the pain, sorrow and depression came back again. This time was much harder than the first time in some ways and basically the whole experience was completely different. This time when I went back to talk to my counselor, W, was when she said that she felt I had not made the complete connection I needed to, to change. I had done all the surface, logical changing, but not the necessary change in my heart and soul. She recommended that I go to another counselor, P, who she believed would possibly be better able to help me to heal. She also thought he would be able to help me to better achieve this necessary change in my heart. Not long after I began to see P, he helped me to identify something else I needed to work on called codependency. Once I read the book, Codependent No More, it was like another light bulb turned on for me. So many puzzle pieces began to fit together and make sense for me after this discovery. What became one of the greatest turning points for me through this past year was the day I placed my precious Kira for adoption. The change came about in me that day when my father gave me a priesthood blessing, as I held my sweet daughter for one last time before I would go into another room and place her in her other mother’s arms. It was in the moment when my father blessed me with forgiveness and other blessings that I felt something start to stir and change deep within my soul. It was as if something, a part of me that had broken so long ago was finally beginning to mend. Also it was as if another part of me was beginning to wake up after being in a deep sleep for a long time. It was also in the defining moment of holding my sweet daughter in the first moments of her life that my sweet Kira taught me another lesson. She taught and helped me to finally let the Lord begin to heal my heart and helped me to start to learn how to really trust and love again. It was after I had my precious daughter, Kira, placed her and began to move forward in life that I finally realized what I had been missing the first time. What I hadn’t done after Allie that had been part of what caused me to repeat the cycle I had fallen into. I hadn’t found myself, I hadn’t been able to say that I loved and accepted myself for me. I hadn’t been able to be happy with myself. Also, I hadn’t used the atonement as it had been meant to be used. I thought I had used the atonement, but I had only done the “Sunday school” version of repentance. It was as W had said, I had done what was needed on the surface, but I had not let it penetrate into my heart and soul where my wounds were festering and bleeding freely all the time. It is now while I sit writing this that I remember a dream I had near the end of my pregnancy with Kira. A dream that perhaps can help you to understand more of what I’m trying to express about the atonement and forgiveness. |
| "My Journey" page 4 (last page) |
Date Posted: 05-06-2005 at 02:47 AM |
| I dreamt I was in a cabin in the mountains and I was there with my father and my sister. Apparently in my dream, our family had been on a trip, vacationing in the mountains. Everyone had returned home except for me, my sister and my father. My Dad came to me and told me to pack so we could go. I said I had too much to take and not enough luggage to put my stuff in. He took me outside and showed me the SUV we were driving home and how full of baggage it was from what my sister was taking. He told me I could only take two bags with me. I told him I couldn’t leave all my stuff here. He told me again that I needed to only pack what was important and only take these two bags. He showed me that what was important for me to take in these two bags were my scriptures, my journal, a recent photo of Allie and a recent photo of Kira. He also said that the only other things I should pack should be the bare necessities, for example, toothbrush, hairbrush, clothes and shoes. I once again told him I didn’t know how I could leave all my stuff behind. At this point in my dream, I realized I was being taught something of spiritual importance. Then I was shown the SUV again full of baggage from my sister and told that this baggage represented the burden which my sister carried with her. Then I was told my burden was smaller than my sister’s, but that if I didn’t lay my burden at the Lord’s feet and walk away, I would never be able to move forward. I once again questioned how I could let go of all my stuff and was told once again that I had to let it go. I had to lay it at the Lord’s feet or I would not be using the atonement properly. Then I was told I needed to start writing down things and then letting them go. I needed to begin sorting through all my baggage and letting it go piece by piece. Then once I had let it go, I had to remember not to try to take it back from the Lord. I was told this entire burden had already been taken from me, but that I needed to accept that it had been taken and accept this gift and move forward. It has been recently that I have come to accept myself and my past. That I’ve finally stopped dwelling on the “what ifs” and realized the blessings I’ve gained despite the pain. My heart has recently begun to heal and feel light and happy again. I have finally felt that I am forgiven deep inside my heart and soul for everything in my past that I may have done wrong. It is now, in this moment, that I feel clean and know that I have a clean slate to start over with again. Now that I am beginning to feel healing in my heart and have truly begun to use the atonement properly, I have now come to the point where I can honestly say that I am happy with myself. This has been a difficult journey up to this point, but it has had many great rewards thus far. I know there are more rewards and difficulties to come in this life, but one of the best things I’ve gained from this is my personal understanding of the atonement. The knowledge that the Lord suffered, bled and died for me and that he would do it again. Just as I would go through this pain and heartache all over again, just to have my two daughters and be part of their lives and because if I was the only way for them to get to their parents, I would do it again. I would do it again in a heartbeat because of the deep, unconditional love I have for my two sweet daughters, Allie and Kira, which pales in comparison to the unconditional love of the Lord, but it has helped me to better understand him. The scripture that I would share that best describes the journey I have been on for the past five years of my life is found in Alma 36:17-21. I have just reached the point that Alma describes best in verse 20 where such great joy and marvelous light filled his soul and that his soul was filled with as much joy as he had pain. I have begun one of the greatest spiritual journeys of my life these past few years and with each day I am amazed by what I learn and how I continue to grow in leaps and bounds spiritually each day. I have now reached a point where I can honestly say that I would rather be who I am now with all my wisdom and spiritual experiences than the person I was when I stepped off the plane the day I returned home from serving in Uruguay. I know that life isn’t always easy, but the Lord is always with me and will always be there for me. That is what keeps me going a lot of the time is knowing that the Lord is always there and that he loves and accepts me for me. |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: I'm Engaged...(Informally, but ya know ;) ) |
By carolynppk(01-31-2007 at 06:15 AM) |
| Dear Anne, My most heartfelt congratualtions! I miss reading your journal and many of the other "old-timers" who used to journal here. (i.e. both Dianes', Wendy, pg with all the numbers behind it-my mind is running slow this morning- just to name a few.) I wish you much happiness and a lifetime of joy. Again, Congratualtions!!! Can't wait to hear more! Carolyn |
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