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Adoption Community Information
Community Websites
| Find me |
Date Posted: 01-12-2005 at 11:27 AM |
| Well find me finally contacted me after an inquireery 2 months ago. How am I supposed to find a match with the little information I have to go on? I don't know any of the birth fathers. I only know what mine looks like. So how do I know by description if they are a match. They may look like their father more then their mother! That's how it is with my sis. You might not know we are related because she takes after her dad and I look like our mom. I got my tallness from my dad and she is shorter, a combination of her dad and our mom. This is so frusterating!! No where to get the real answers and yet I have to keep looking. They have a right to know she is gone. They have a right to the same information that I was able to find. Sometimes this all seems so unfair!!!! I know there are people who have the answers. And I also know that I do not have any control over what they want to share!! Double Ugh!!! |
| 6 months ago today.................. |
Date Posted: 01-14-2005 at 01:25 PM |
| Well it was 6 months ago that I was told "Your mother passed away in a car accident 32 years ago. I am so sorry". I remember clearly thinking she just didn't want to finish my search. That only lasted a second or so, I knew it was true. I felt it in my heart. The night before I had started a letter to my birth mom telling her all the main points of my life and how I really hope she'd be willing to meet just once. At the end of writing it though I didn't like the way I felt. So I tore the paper out of the book and threw it away. It seems like yesterday and also like so long ago. I have gone through and accomplished a lot in the past 6 months. I have learned how much more I am affected by adoption then I had realized. I have also learned that there are so many more lies then I had ever imagined there could be. I have dealt with a lot of pain as well as anger. I still continue to push a lot of it aside. I know it won't just go away but then sometimes I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it. In 6 months I hope to have acomplished more. To find the rest of my family would be a true gift. To be able to tell the others what I know, it is their right as well. And finally I hope to have dealt with more of the pain. To be able to say and mean that I am ok with this part of my life. |
| sadness sneaks in........... |
Date Posted: 01-14-2005 at 03:50 PM |
| Oh I just can't stop thinking about my mom this evening. About how some people think she had the car accident on purpose. At first I refused to believe that. And then all these stories......I still don't really believe it. She wouldn't destroy the lives of people she didn't even know. There are things I have found out that I thought I didn't want to know. In hind sight it is so good to know that some of my moods, well that there was someone else who had them. Reflect: She left town and went to Vegas. That is where she concieved me. The look on my husbands face when I told him that. Priceless!! Vegas is my absolute favorite place in the world. Coincidence? Some people would like to say so but not us!! It's another one of those things we now like to say are is in my blood. I miss her you know? And sometimes I get so tired of saying that. How long does it take to totally get over the death of a dream? I wonder. I have the evening alone tonight. Does anyone care that 6 months ago today my world flipped upside down and inside out? Alone is good. I need to reflect on what I have learned and how I have dealt with it so far. And for all of the people, my computer friends with no face, they are too my new family. And while my friends don't understand that, well my husband does. I just wish I could have met her once. To have a day with her.....no questions would be answered I know. I would be too busy looking at her and sneaking a touch of her hand. I must always remember what it said in my placement records "Birth mother would like to hold child at least once to make sure she is ok" It's a fact. She wanted to hold me and I hope she did get to. I miss her....it really hurts. I know I will be ok. |
| Letters |
Date Posted: 01-15-2005 at 09:05 AM |
| Well now today was the day 6 months ago that I first spoke to my sister. It's a funny story in hind sight. I called and she was not home but I left a message with her husband and a time I would call her back. I had not eatten all day in anticipation of my call. I knew I had about an hour before I'd call her back so my husband and I decided to have messy chicken wings. And of coarse in the middle of getting messy She Called Me Back!! total panic as my hands were a mess. So my husband answered the phone while I washed my hands. Because she is 5 years older then me, and because she called me back long distance, I really thought she already knew who I was. So I got on the phone and said" Is this Karen?" "Are you sitting down?" "My name is Wendy and I'm your little sister. We have the same mom" she said" What do you know about my mom?" so I told her the name and that I knew she had died in an auto accident 31 years ago. Gave her my dob and explained that we had a different dad. She said" Ok can I have a little time to absorb this?" I said yes and asked if I could call her in a few days. She said" Oh no.....I just need about an hour." Wow!! That night was soooooo cool. We talked and talked. Then a friend of ours called in between my calls with Karen and asked if we wanted to go to dinner. I grabbed the phone from my husband and shouted" I'm waiting to hear back from my big sister so you will need to wait just a bit!!" Floored him! They (he and his wife) knew of my search but that last week things moved so fast that we never got a chance to update him!! We did go to dinner very late that evening and it was so much fun telling them about all I had found out and how I was actually like someone!! You know how I grew up being so different from my folks and brothers. Finding out that my personality was in common with my birth mother and my sister.......well it still gives me the warm fuzzies in my belly today!! |
 Recent Comments: |
| Re: Are my pals still around?? |
By carolynppk(05-21-2009 at 12:45 PM) |
| Nugget, It's Carolyn!! I haven't been here in forever!!! Things with my birthmom fell apart after my mom died, probably started before. Oh well. I think we are both good people, we just come from this from different angles. SHe thinks I have manipulated everything, my husband thinks the same of her. I think we are probably both really good people, it is just the situation itself. It hurt, but I care for her and letting go, if it helps her, then so be it. I think she thought I wanted her to be my mother. I didn't I had a mother, but I wanted to recognize her as my first mother and that she had a very special place in my life. She didn't understand some things between me and my mom and how I handled her death. That was really hard, because I adored my mom. But in retrospect, my mom understood things that others would not, because she was there through all that I had been through, and really that is all that mattered. So see, everyone who thought things for me in finding her were so charmed, well, it didn't end that way. But it ended the right way, I was always worried about her and how she felt about me that the rest of the world kind of didn't matter. I think everyone would like to think that their biological mother loves(d) them. Any whoooo. I do still speak with my grandmother though, and I adore her. She is the sweetest thing in the world. I was once told we are very much alike and wasn't sure how to take it, I now find it the greatest compliment of all. My children are getting big and my oldest one is getting married this August. Let me know when you publish. I want to be one of the first to get a copy of it!! Lovely to here from you, Wendy. You really sound good!! Much love, Carolyn |
| Re: Been a while now |
By carolynppk(09-25-2007 at 10:13 AM) |
| Wendy, I miss you! I hope you are well. I always think of you when I write because with your circumstances, you are the exception to what I think. I don't know if that came out right, I wish I could expalin further. I just know you have had a different set of circumstances in your search, that while I don't get some issues with some people, you are my exception to the rule. Sometimes I want to add a side note. This is how I feel with the exception of Wendy, that's different! LOL!!! There is no one I would want more to find what they are looking forthan you. I hope you come back from time to time and let us know you are still alive and kicking. God bless and keep you and may you have peace. Love, Carolyn |
| Re: A tearless Birthday!!! |
By carolynppk(06-05-2007 at 05:37 AM) |
| Dearest Wendy, 1st of all, so glad to see you here!!!! Missed you! 2nd of all, so glad you had a tearless birthday! A very happy belated birthday wish and wishing you many, many more, especially without the tears!!! Love, Carolyn |
| Re: How to let go |
By carolynppk(03-29-2007 at 10:26 AM) |
| Dear Wendy, I wish I had an answer. I have not been what you have been through, I have no answers as to how to move on. I am in a good reunion and still I have rollercoasters of emotions; "have I said too much, not enough?", "Did I laugh at the wrong time?" I want her to love me. I know it is not the same as the children she raised, I am not asking for that. ANd I know she cares. AHHHHHH, it sucks to be emotionally needy at times. I equate this to grief and death, each person must go through it alone and deal with it as they can. It is not for anyone else to judge when it has been enough time. You are in my thoughts, dear! Much love being sent your way. Love, Carolyn |
| Re: I'm ok really it was just some thoughts...................... |
By carolynppk(03-05-2007 at 06:47 PM) |
| I love you, Wendy! Carolyn |
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