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Adoption Community Information
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| misunderstandings |
Date Posted: 03-14-2005 at 08:57 AM |
| wow this week has been one of the hardest weeks for me. I realizd that there was a misunderstanding between the aparents and me. I could have sworn as well as my mother that we were going to be allowed visitation for hopes childhood life without her knowing who we are until it was time. But something went wrong because i was told this week that i wont get to see her until she asks to see me. I am hurt. I am crushed. I am trying so hard not to fall apart and break down and take a drink. you see i am a 22 yr. old young girl who is a recovering alcoholic but it is taking me everything to not drink again. I do not know what to do. I am going insane. And i do not want to intrude in there lives so that i wont get pushed away. So i am going to start to take my distance. I will still be where they can reach me. I just dont want to be a pushover. I just want them clarify things with me so that i wont have to go through this again. |
| house to myself |
Date Posted: 03-16-2005 at 12:07 PM |
| well today i have the house to myself. My 4 yr. old started school today. i thought that i would be able to start my greiving cycle today. But i am still having problems openning up even to myself. I find myself holding it in. And i know myself. If i hold it in it will start to build up and i will explode. And i dont want to explode i am scared of what i am capable of doing. How can this get any easier. It has been a month and 6 days since i had my baby. And yes i say my baby because she is and will always be my baby. She is my flesh and blood and no one will ever take that away from me. She was placed with her parents two days after i had her. That is the florida law. God, everyday that goes by i wish i had her with me. But i know in my heart that i cant. For so many reasons. But i miss her touch, i miss her sweet aroma, i miss her in my arms, i miss kissing her on her cheek, i miss holding her close to my heart. I just miss her and i feel like i am going to go insaine. What am i going to do for so many hours with such an empty house. I dont want to break i want to be that strong person i used to be. |
| i feel like crap |
Date Posted: 03-17-2005 at 01:22 PM |
| i feel like crap. Excuse my language but that is the best that i can describe the way that i feel. I am so depressed today. I can not stop crying. I finished making a photo album of my baby today on yahoo photo album and it just tore me to shreds not being able to actually see her in person and see how much she has grown. I miss her so much. And no one in my family really knows how i feel because i keep it all balled up inside. Because they dont understand the pain and i dont want to here them say i know how you feel because they dont and i dont want them to say you will get over it, like if it was a dog that i gave away. It was my flesh and blood. My creation that i carried inside of me for 9 1/2 months. I was late in having her. I love her so much even though she was concieved by a rape. This seperation between me and her hurts more than everything that i went through with the rape. But i know i did the right thing. She has two wonderful parents whom adore her and can give her what i could not. All i have for her is the love i and her sister of 4yrs. have inside. My 4 yr old kisses her picture on my picture charm necklace which lays right over my heart about 20 times a day. That is how strong a sister bond is. I hope one day she will forgive me for the decision that i made and not hate me. |
| how my day is |
Date Posted: 03-18-2005 at 01:29 PM |
| how my day is? Well that is the tuffest question that i can ask myself. I guess i never will have a good day at all. Being that i dont have my baby with me. But i dont know. I guess i am just so depressed. Yesterday i recieved an email of my 1 month olds aparents. They said that she was doing great eating like crazy and that she now 21 inches. And almost 10 pounds. And that they were watching her on the monitor that is placed in her room. The on they carry around is a little tv screen that is the size of a palm pilot. And that she is starting to wiggle alot and get a hold of stuff especially her amoms hair. And i am so happy for them. But to hear about all of that really hurts me. Because it should be me calling all of my family and friends saying those things to them. I know she does not do it to get me upset. But it does about 2 to 3 hours later. And i dont want the communication to stop because i want to know how my little girl is doing. I guess it just hurts to much right now. And i still have a ways to go. I am just barely starting. I just wish that someone had the answers for me but no one will ever have them. |
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