emmacj's Journal - - Adoption Journal, Story, Experience, Blog

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Journalist: emmacj	Status: Public
Entries: 2 (Private: 0)	Comments: 1
Start Date: 06-26-2009	Last Updated: 06-26-2009
Views: 186

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# 1

Letter to my birthmother.

Date Posted: 06-26-2009 at 12:31 AM

Dear A,

This is the first time I have written to you and actually want to write how I really feel. Every other letter which we sent to each other seemed 'edited' somehow, like we couldn't share how we really feel for fear of hurting other people. So this is it. The real, honest truth about what I think of you.

I love you. I have loved you from the moment I found out I was adopted. I wake up in the morning thinking of you, make my way through my day wondering what you're doing, and go to sleep hoping you're thinking of me too.

I need you to know that I have never blamed you for giving me up. A lot of people I know who are adopted have had issues with abandonment, etc, but I can truely say that this has never been a problem for me. I have never resented you for doing what was probably the bravest, most couragous thing anyone has ever done for my sake. And I know it was for my sake - you did it because you loved me and you wanted a life for me that you didn't think you could provide. I have always felt this way, even as a little girl. Now, as a 21 year old, the same age you where when you gave birth to me, my heart breaks for you. I am crying writing this to you, because I don't know how you did it. I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me up for adoption. I have had a great life with my parents and I know you chose them from a photo - you have great taste So thank you.

I have heard from other people (birthmothers) that they think of their child all the time, but especially when the important events occur - first day of school, graduation, first kiss, first boyfriend, first heartbreak, 16th birthday, 18th birthday, 21st birthday.. Having endured all of these events without you in my life has been my one regret. I want you to know that you thinking of me during these events isn't one sided. Especially on my 21st birthday, I wondered if you were thinking of me, if you remembered. I spent so long in my room crying, re-doing my make up for my party, and crying again that I nearly missed the start of my birthday! Please know that I am not crying because I am upset with you. I am crying because I am sad that we have missed all these special times together.

In saying that, I am only 21 years old. I have many more special life events to come, events that we can hopefully share. I desperately want to find you. Even if only for a minute. Just eye contact. A smile. A cuddle. Oh, a cuddle from you would be something I would treasure always.

One life event that I am determined not to let you miss is my wedding. (For the record, you can relax - I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone being engaged!) I just don't think I could get married without having you there to help celebrate with me. You selflessly bought me into this world, and gave me a better life. You deserve to see that your decision has ensured my happiness over the years.

I love you so much. I always have, and I always will. No matter what. As I was told by a very bright 3 year old recently, "I love you always and forever, and forever has no end".

Love, Emma xxx

PS: I miss you so much I can hardly breathe.

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Bob & Corinne (NC)

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Khalil (10)

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# 2

She'll meet you at the gate

Date Posted: 06-26-2009 at 09:52 AM

A beautiful garden now stands alone,
missing the one who nurtured it
But now she is gone,
Her flowers still bloom, and the sun it still shines,
But the rain is like tear drops ,for the ones left behind,
The weeds lay waiting to take the gardens beauty away,
But the beautiful memories of its keeper are in our hearts to stay,
she loved every flower even some that were weeds,
So much love she would plant with each little seed,
But just like her flowers she was part of Gods plan,
So when it was her time he reached down his hand,
He look through the Garden searching for the best,
That's when he found Robin, it was her time to rest,
It was hard for those who loved her, to just let her go,
But God had a spot in his garden, that needed a gentle soul,
So when you start missing her, remember if you just wait,
When God has a spot in his garden, She'll meet you at the gate....
© Barbara Bailey

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i need you..