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texaswildflower65's Avatar
Journalist: texaswildflower65
Status: Public
Entries: 13 (Private: 0)
Comments: 2
Start Date: 10-21-2008
Last Updated: 02-24-2013
Views: 1276
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Holding Grudges = Unforgiven
Date Posted: 01-06-2012 at 07:39 PM

Self Loathing and Holding Grudges
I'm working my way through a Beth Moore bible study on the Psalms of Ascent in a church life group. It's very good, and it's becoming very difficult for me to resist the change that God is trying to make in my heart.
Beth Moore said in one of her videos that self-loathing is a form of pride as well, because it's still all about you. As hard as I try I can't get that thought out of my head.
I'm a grade A self loather. I feel pretty douchy almost all the time, but I've gotten really adept at hiding it. With the exception of a comment here, a self deprecating shrug there and you would never know the onslaught of criticism and nastiness that my brain unleashes inside my head.
Since I started leading outreach, it's only gotten worse. But I was sort of expecting that. When I was praying about leading I was pretty sure I was also about to enter into a season of some serious growth and the inevitable pain that comes with growth (at least with me, does that happen to any of you?). But I wasn't really prepared for how ugly I would be to myself.

I was talking to Diane last night while we were waiting for the Olive Cheese Bread to bake and telling her about the last year. God has worked harder in me in the last year than I've ever allowed him to do before. It's quite frankly terrifying. The subject of this weeks part of the study was about forgiveness and how the Lord keeps no record of wrongs, and how if he did, no one could stand under that guilt.

I come from a long line of grudge holders. My mom's mom stayed mad at her step-mom for 70 years. SEVENTY.YEARS. That's a hell of a grudge. It's all about keeping a tally of who did you wrong when and how severely.
When I was 2 or 3 my Uncle Johnny died. Uncle Johnny would always be sleeping on my grandparents sofa, and when I would arrive I would go and climb up on his stomach, lightly pat his face and say, "Wake up Uncle Johnny, I'm here, it's time to play with me" When he died my parents told me he had fallen asleep forever (so I've been told, I don't actually remember any of this). So at his funeral, I saw him "sleeping" in a box. I climbed up on this convenient step stool (one of those Catholic kneely things) and climbed onto his chest in his sleeping box. I began to pat his face and tell him, "Wake up Uncle Johnny, I'm here, it's time to play with me" When I was 16, my grandmother related that story to me with tears in her eyes, and then said, "You were such a terrible awful spoiled brat and you should know that I will never forgive you for what you did to me at Johnny's funeral"
So if I'm not attentive, my memory can play tricks on me and lead me to believe that I deserve to hold a grudge. I deserve to nurse those wounds and keep them active and seeping.
But that is a lie. It is a lie of an enemy that wants me to be so distracted by wounds I don't allow to heal that I forget to worship and serve a God that is so much bigger then grudges and offenses.

But the longest list, the deepest wounds, the hardest things for me to forgive are the wounds I inflict on myself.
Stupid, ugly, fat, douchy, why would you say that, what were you thinking, of course you weren't invited, you're never going to make it, that 72 pounds of chocolate you just ate will probably not make you gain any weight, don't let anyone take your picture you'll break the camera, don't draw attention to yourself (you can pretend it's humility but it's just because you're not worthy of peoples attention and affection)....
On and on the list grows, the ugly hateful things that I say to myself. The self loathing I nurture and coddle as it grows and grows.

That my friends, as Beth Moore pointed out, is pride. Sinful pride. Who am I to think that it is all about me? Who am I to think so much about myself that I wound myself paralyzed and unable, uninspired, unmotivated to serve the God that freed me, that saved me, that sent his Son to die for me (me, me, me, me, me!)
I am not a confident person. I am more confident with those of you that I have known, those of you that I trust to show my weakness to (and those of you that are strangers on the internet). I am confident on behalf of other people, but I am not confident in the woman that God created me to be, I am not confident that I won't mess it up, I am not confident that my big mouth and prideful intentions won't get in the way of shining God's light in the world.

I'm right, in a way, to not be confident in those things. Because I am broken and flawed. But God isn't. My self-loathing, my almost constant focus on what I'm doing wrong takes away the focus from a truth I seem to have been missing all along.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter that I'm broken, flawed, and downright falling apart some days. Because God isn't. He's like, God. God has a history of working in broken and damaged people. He has a reputation for taking the ugly and making something beautiful out of it.
What I haven't been able to grasp, or to even see is, that God doesn't see that terrible awful spoiled brat that my grandmother decreed that I was. God doesn't say that he will never ever forgive you. God doesn't hold grudges.
God forgives and he keeps no records of wrong. God makes beauty out of pain, joy out of sorrow, and light out of darkness.

Out of the depths I call to You, LORD!
Lord, listen to my voice;
let Your ears be attentive to my
cry for help.
LORD, if You considered sins, Lord, who
could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness, so that
You may be revered.
I wait for the LORD; I wait, and put my hope
in His word

Posted by ellenjane at 12/11/2008 12:06:00 PM

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Date Posted: 01-06-2012 at 07:42 PM at peace with everyone........
Date Posted: 07-15-2012 at 03:02 PM
I believe I need to read and re-read this. I've got a lot of room for improvement in these areas.

Romans 12:10-20

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. [11] Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. [12] Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. [13] Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
[14] Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. [15] Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. [16] Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
[17] Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. [18] If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. [19] Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. [20] On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." [NIV]

Psalm 139 --
Date Posted: 09-22-2012 at 11:43 AM

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Date Posted: 11-24-2012 at 09:12 PM


Doesn't the narcissist EVER feel sorry for his "victims"?


The narcissist always feels bad. He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and lesser dysphoric moods. He goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders. He experiences panic from time to time. It is not pleasant to be a narcissist.

But he has a diminished capacity to empathise, so he rarely feels sorry for what he does. He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his "victims". Sure, he feels distressed because he is intelligent enough to realise that something is wrong with him in a major way. He compares himself to others and the outcome is never favourable. His grandiosity is one of the defence mechanisms that he uses to cover up for this disagreeable state of things. But its efficacy is partial and intermittent. The rest of the time, the narcissist is immersed in self-loathing and self-pity. He is under duress and distress most of his waking life. In a vague way, he is also sorry for those upon whom he inflicts the consequences of his personality disorder. He knows that they are not happy and he understands that it has something to do with him. Mostly, he uses even this to aggrandise himself: poor things, they can never fully understand him, they are so inferior. It is no wonder that they are so depressed.

When confronted with major crises (a traumatic divorce, a financial entanglement, a demotion) - the narcissist experiences real, excruciating, life-threatening pain. This is the narcissist's "cold turkey", his withdrawal symptoms. Narcissistic Supply is, like any other drug, habit forming (psychologically). Its withdrawal has broad implications, all severely painful.

Only then is the answer unqualified, unequivocal and unambiguous: yes, the narcissist is in pain - when devoid of his stream of adoration and other positive reinforcements.


When interacting with a narcissist, how could one ever tell, at any given moment, whether one was interacting with the IMAGE, or with the REAL PERSON? Or is it ALWAYS the image that one interacts with, and NEVER the real person?


The short and the long of it is that one always interacts with the False Self (=the Image, in your question) and not with the True Self or (luckily) with the Superego (=the "real man", to use your coinage).

The latter emerge and become observable and discernible only in times of severe stress induced by life crises. The maintenance of the False Self is so demanding and takes up so much energy that it crumbles when that energy is used up by another situation.

I'm sorry for your troubles but stop taking it out on me.

More info at:

Recent Comments:
By texaswildflower65(05-19-2011 at 10:09 PM)
Au revoir
By texaswildflower65(06-15-2010 at 07:22 PM)
Je vous souhaite bonheur et d'amour, toujours.

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