| Well I totally love this journaling, it seems to relieve the stress in me, or perhaps I was just hormonal yesterday. Anyhow, I watched a crazy movie this morning and it made me laugh so I know I'm feelin' better. Plus the biggest bonus of all, Bubba pooped, yipee! And he ate this morning so I know he's feelin' better too. I think this is the best thing for me, writing down my feelings, instead of just surfing the internet looking for something that's probably not there anyway. Why do I do that anyway? Why do I think there is always something else better out there that I don't know about? Maybe that's the next personality defect I need to work on. I have so many it's often hard to decide which one is the worst and which one needs the most attention. Maybe I should read more about the alcoholic daughter, whatever that book was called, and maybe everything with Mom had something to do with the person I am today. I'm turning 30 soon, god so soon, and I'd like to say that I've done at least one thing to improve myself in those 30 years. I'm obviously not losing weight, well maybe a few pounds, but it's not like I'm back to my original weight. Speaking of that I always wondered if my body thought I was still pg up until 1/19 because I thought about my angel so much. You never know about the human body, it's marvelous. So, I've just got my baby fat still, right? Let's see, it's only been 4 months since then, so yeah, it's still baby fat, that's all, ha! If only I had been able to breast feed, right? I would of too, because I ALWAYS do the right thing and what's expected of me to do. I'll do the right thing with our kids too, because I've ALWAYS done it and I suppose will forever. I follow the rules and do what's right, and I guess in the end, if I really face the truth, everything turns out right in my life. It takes longer it seems than for most and I struggle more than it seems most do, but in the end it works out and I'm happy the way things turn out. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, I need to work on that too, not being so crabby to him, what's he ever done wrong? He's shy and just kind of goes along with everything, but what woman wouldn't kill for a man that does what she wants most of the time? What woman wouldn't want a man that would do anything for her if it was what she said she truly needed? I am lucky to have him and his family is really great, it's the family I've needed for so long, the family that hugs me and tells me they love me and again would probably do anything for me if I truly was in need. Not like my family who is afraid to love? Or are they incapable of it? I don't think I'll ever understand them, just as they have never and will never understand me. I'll always be the blonde sheep in the family. I'll always be the freak that can't have babies and the one that can't stand family functions and the one they just never get. Why should they understand that perhaps, just perhaps, Mother's Day sucks for me? Why should they, because they are supposed to be understanding, but they're not and they'll never change. Enough there, man I jump around a lot, but it feels so good to speak about the truth and not feel judged or criticized. I'm critical enough on myself, why on earth would I want someone else to be too? Why would I want to hear others opinions? What a great revelation for me. I've never thought of it quite that way, but it's true I guess, why I can't stand others to voice their opinions about my choices, when for one they are mine and for two I always consider so much when making them. I know they are right for me and my life, so why oh why would I want to hear someone else's thoughts on the subject? Wow, that is wonderful, I've just never seen it that way. That is such a relief so understand, why did I wait so long to do this? I'm so glad I'm here and with all these others that do, for the most part, seem to get it. I'm sure I'll be struggling again with something and maybe need another group, for now this is where I need to be. After all we'll probably adopt children with severe problems that will fight being loved because of the life they lived until coming to us, but that's okay. I'm a fighter too and I won't give up on them and I won't ever let them think for a second that I don't love them and always will love them just the way they are. They can kick and scream and break things and whatever and I will hug and kiss them back and tell them how much they are loved until they understand. It's just like Bubba and the way he always fought with us. He didn't know what love was and now he's starting too. He'll lay down next to me now and relax enough to be loved. When he came from the pound, with almost no normal human contact or bonding, he was just a lost soul. He didn't know how to act, he didn't know how to accept love. He's learning though, it's going on 2 years and he's truly much more at ease with us and with being cherished. I'm sure some think that is totally sick, but again, I don't care about their opinion. I know my Bubba and I know we've had to work with him and love him until he couldn't hardly stand to be held. He likes it more now though and even sometimes, when he's tired, will come to us and snuggle and lean on us for the affection he never knew he wanted. I better get to something else useful, I could easily sit here and write all day. Until next time, aloha. |
. What are ya gonna do? As a famous person once said. Nothing I suppose, but keep waiting and working through the emotions as they come day by day. Even if that means crying my eyes out or screaming at the stupid computer when it doesn't do what I want or eating something fattening that I know I don't need. Well, I guess I'm glad I don't feel so emotional now and don't feel so down on myself. There's just times that I feel totally unworthy of the life I'm living and wonder what it's all for. I wonder why EVERYTHING has to be such a struggle while I watch so many others cruise through life making horrible decisions and everything turning out fine for them. I try so hard to "do the right thing" and have high morals and I always consider everyone else's feelings. So, why do I keep getting the shortest straw in the bunch? Why do I keep fighting an uphill battle? I just don't think I deserve the cards I've been dealt in life and if I do, well then I'm sorry to who or whatever I hurt or damaged so badly. That's all, I'm gonna try to have a decent night. I've barely eaten all day and I think I'll have some jello and watch tv next to dh. 
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