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Part of: JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr's Journal The Actual F2F... Some Thoughts |
Date Posted: 07-01-2008 at 08:37 PM Comments(0) |
| Mood: I don't know Face to Face: July 1, 2008 Today was my F2F, I don’t know what to say really, I may process this better tomorrow but I do have many things on my mind. I don’t know what people on the forums talk about when they talk about this magical f2f full of emotions and whatever. While I has expected to feel a bit out of the loop, I thought that I would feel a bigger connection to her but it may have just been the circumstances. She brought her mom, sister, T, and M with her. I guess I will have to admit that the entourage was a bit intimidating, I am not used to being the center of attention. I also feel so horrible because they would ask me questions and tell me to talk, and I couldn’t. I stumbled over my words, could not think of anything to talk about. I really want to say that I want a redo because I have no clue what happened. I just couldn’t there was so much to take in, their personalities, characteristics, appearances, attitudes, I had 5 people to (I don’t like this word choice but what I got) entertain. I think she needed her safety net and they really wanted to meet me, I just did not bargain for it to be that overwhelming. It was not bad it was fun, I just could not manage to pull myself together, I am not a people person, I am very to myself and quiet. So is my mom. She said she brought them to keep the conversation; the thing is I did not know what to say around them. I’m used to talking to my mom on the phone one on one and we did not really have that time. There was only one time, we were sitting at the table waiting for everyone to get their food, and she asked me how my parents felt about her coming. I was honest and said they were apprehensive and she asked why and I really couldn’t explain it because I am not them. The again when she was trying to get me to eat, I swear if I would have tried to eat something I would have thrown it up, my stomach hurt the entire day, even after they left. She was deciding on what she wanted to eat and told me to come with her; we were both quiet and barely looked at each other. Actually that was most of the visit, or me just not looking at her, I did that with her pictures too, I don’t get it but whatever at the moment I don’t understand a lot. We had fun, my little sister is adorable, and bother doesn’t not like me, he just doesn’t now me. I have to admit, I am slightly envious of their family dynamic, they all are so close it was hard to fathom being accepted into this society. First impressions, ummm who are these people; I don’t really look like any of them, though I look a bit like her sister. For people who know my personality well, my mom and everyone else gets in the car. She comes up and hugs me and says hi, and introduces me to everyone. She has two tattoos, 4 piercing in one ear, and looks like her pictures and is pretty; it was just a bit of a shock. Her sister the exact opposite and more like me, she just really fit my personality. Her mom, I have not interpretation of her she’s just Fe’s mom. I don’t think we really connected but I don’t think its anyone’s fault nor s it a bad thing. I just really wish I could have been one on one with her, she met my mommy, which was interesting, at least she behaved. I could see how much she loves M and my little sister and it just made me think, what if. What if would have meant that after her families temporary money issues would have had nicer things, I probably would not have had to go through the money issues my parents had and still do. I would not have to feel so darn awkward around my own family. It means a lot. But also had to think could I have handled life with her as my mother. That I will never know, and I don’t want to try to figure out. As for the question my mommy posed to me tonight, so are you done with this, do you have closure now? I don’t know. Are all my questions answered? No but I never think they will or can be answered some are just cut in too deep. Am I satisfied with the reunion? Maybe? I don’t know I am a little discontented but glad it finally happened. Was it worth the hype of all your past entries? To be honest no, tis why I don’t think I will ever let her read this. Ready to do it again? Ta he** I am still processing this, this is not me processing this is me putting my thoughts on a piece of paper. All the other questions people have asked and I have asked myself. Right now, I just don’t know, my brain has said enough and I will honor that. What did I feel about all of this? Get back to me, that will be an entry soon but for now, I’m just going to leave it. I now, have more pictures that will go away in my closet. I dunno, I just cannot manage to look at them, even now after the reunion. It doesn’t hurt but I just don’t feel right, there’s no other way to explain it. I felt like I was zoned out the entire time, eugh. Before she left she did say that she wanted to do this again, with a lesser group. She said she didn’t want it to be long, and very soon. Then she looked down at my face, that was looking down at the carpet. I sighed deeply, not knowing what to say. She asked, can you handle that. I sigh again and say ok. She kind of laughed a bit but noticing my facial expression. Maybe she and I will talk about that later. She surprised me with this visit, calling me Sunday that she was coming Tuesday. When they left I gave everyone a hug, mom was last. She hugged me and said take care of yourself, love you. I said back love you to and with that I did not even look at her face, nor did he mine. As I walked back into my house and her her car and she drove off again without me. The end for now: Sorry it may be rough I am too tired to edit it, but I’ll be back to write more later. I have school tomorrow, maybe after that. |
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