| Welcome to the Forums. | Register |
| If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts. | |
| Forum Categories |
|
Part of: fauxgina's Struggling a bit |
Date Posted: 01-23-2008 at 03:04 AM Comments(0) |
Mood: So it's been more than two weeks since trying to air things out with my mom, and I'm still struggling with trying to put my sadness and despair behind me. I went through the anger and thought I'd worked through it and come out the other side of this long, long, fricking long tunnel... but I haven't been able to let it go. I feel like I should have been able to put this all behind me by now. I don't blame myself for Mom's attitude anymore, but now all sense of control has been removed and I'm feeling desperate. So many questions are running through my head, and without her answering them, I'm left to assume the worst and create my own scenarios in my head. Why does she feel Dan has been "exploiting" me for so long? Why are her views about him so darn extreme? What does she feel she is gaining from persisting in carrying around a distorted view of Dan in her mind without challenging it? Why won't she acknowledge my pain? Why didn't my calling myself a bad daughter prick up her ears and make her think, "Hm, she's reacting very poorly to this and I need to let her know that she isn't a bad daughter at all." I know I haven't been, but does she feel I HAVE been and that's why she didn't say anything to the contrary when we spoke? I've tried to start a couple of e-mails to her lately but just have not felt the desire to say anything to her. I don't want to talk about stupid superficial stuff; I want to talk about what's going on under the surface. Besides, I've tried so many different ways of approaching talking about important things, and even when I brought it up in the most encouraging, non-threatening, understanding way, she still rejected me. Maybe that's what this is about: I have always had trouble talking to her about things that are very important to me, for fear of being rejected; Mom always said "If you need something or want something, just tell me. I won't say no." Well, she lied, then. I told her what I wanted and needed--something I want and need more than anything else--and she said no. She rejected me. When I called home for Dad's birthday, he answered the phone--which is really weird. Why didn't she answer? Why didn't he offer to put her on so I could speak with her when we were done? Had she asked not to speak to me? Is she not speaking to me now? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? And if I tell her how I'm feeling in the medium that makes me most comfortable and feel least threatened--e-mail--she ignores what I'm trying to say and is only able to focus on HER feeling threatened. What is wrong with this woman that she cannot communicate with her daughter? What is wrong with me that I cannot communicate with my mom? I just want this sh*t to be over already. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of feeling like the black sheep of the family, I'm tired of being sad about and bewildered by all this. I can feel myself starting to get depressed about it, and I need to nip that in the bud. But how can I stop being depressed if the situation that's making me that way isn't changing, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it? I think I'm beginning to hate my mother, and it breaks my heart. |
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:27 PM.
