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Part of: fauxgina's An E-mail to my Brother |
Date Posted: 01-11-2008 at 05:18 AM Comments(1) |
| Right, so after my conversation with my Mom about that e-mail last Sunday, I got in touch with my brother about what they've said to him, since Mom refused to tell me what her problems were. He e-mailed me back, and in this response to him, I go through some of the points he brought up in HIS e-mail and put down my impressions of them. His lines are in quotes. ------------------------------- I'm SO glad I e-mailed you about that stuff, because it really gives me insights that Mom isn't willing to share right now for her own reasons. Thanks very much for being so honest and plain about it. It's disappointing because it's all crap I've been hearing for years, but I'm finally able to start letting it go. I guess Mom and Dad just aren't able to find closure for their own disappointments yet. I wanted to reply to some of the things you've written, as a lot of this stuff has been said to or in front of you without my being there to defend myself, and I'd really like for you to know where I'm coming from (since Mom and Dad don't seem interested right now). "Well this is what I know, she didnt like how it started, and didnt like the lying that was done." I can completely understand where she's coming from on this, and if there's one thing I regret about how I handled things, it's that **** lie. It feels like it's as been as important to our lives as Eve eating the apple was to the Bible; but neither act can be undone, no matter how much aggravation it has caused, and all we can do is deal with things as they are now. Please keep in mind that I was only 16 then, anyway; I was a child, and while that doesn't completely erase the impact of that lie, I still don't believe it's fair for my own parents to be holding that against me ten years later. That would be like them holding it against you for a decade that you stole shoes from the Foothills Mall (did they ever find out about that, btw? lol). You made a mistake--even broke the law--but you were a kid and it's water under the bridge. Do they think their hands are clean of making stupid mistakes when they were younger? Something else is going on to warrant the way they've clung for dear life onto that one lie--or even to the second lie, when I was supposed to be broken up with Dan and was still with him. It should be water under the bridge by now. "A parents love is difficult...and when they get the idea that someone is not good enough for their child they're gonna make that known." I agree. I'm not saying that Mom and Dad have to shut up about not liking Dan. Parents don't get to choose their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, etc., so I don't expect them to be giddy that Dan's the one I chose--but even if they don't like him, I am still their daughter and they're punishing me when they ignore, shun, and insult my husband repeatedly. Besides, they have never met Dan and have spoken no more than a handful of words to him in the many years I've known him, and therefore they have no basis in reality for forming any opinions about him as a person or what kind of effect he has had on me. What I think has happened is that they didn't like my behavior as a teenager (or as a twentysomething), and since I coincidentally got a new boyfriend at about the same time that I started acting in a way they didn't like, they attributed it all to Dan's influence. But what evidence have they got? They never listened to what I had to say about him (I don't think they'd have believed me, anyway), and never talked to me openly and unthreateningly about their concerns. It was always one-way criticism with no room for debate; I was so confused and felt so blindsided that there was nothing I felt I could do or say to change their minds. And I was proved right in that respect. "I think its difficult for mom to support you when she didnt support the decision from the beginning and I think both mom and dad would like you to go back to school finish college and use your writing ability that youre a natural at." I think it's very telling that you addressed these two issues in one breath. This suggests to me, again, that their issue is not with Dan specifically, but with their disapproval of me. First, let me look at "from the beginning." It's been ten years. She is a different person now than she was ten years ago (in some ways), as am I, as am Dan, as is everyone. Circumstances have changed repeatedly since "the beginning." There must be some sort of psychological term or explanation for someone whose perceptions of something/someone don't change even when that thing or person has changed. On a side note, have you covered grief in your psychology classes--specifcally, the grief that people feel when they realize that their family members are not as perfect as they would have liked? I went through that with Dad as a teenager; I was furious with him for a couple of years for not being the kind of Dad I felt I deserved (with all the yelling and swearing and breaking things and making us leave the house because his tantrums were so scary). But I got over it because I realized that Dad has his own issues and that he didn't act that way because he didn't love us, but because he couldn't help it. I accepted him for who he is and have gotten along with him very well ever since. I think I've finally let go of my idea of how Mom should be and am accepting her for who she is; I hope this will make our conflict much less severe, and if/when she ever lets this go, we may be able to have a very strong relationship, indeed. My point is that maybe Mom and Dad are grieving the fact that I'm not the daughter they thought I would be (just as they will have to eventually grieve your not being the son they thought you would be, and as you will have to grieve their not being "ideal" parents); they had hopes and plans for me as I grew up, they plotted a path for me with great care and love, but because I'm not following that path, they're unable to move out of the anger and denial stage and are stuck back in time in a very tumultuous and unsteady situation (as was I for many many years). Anyway, let me address the first point about Mom not supporting my decision to be with Dan: it's simple--it's not her decision to make, and it never was. It's back to the parents not being able to choose their kids' partners thing again. Do you think that she would have picked any of your girlfriends as potential partners for you? Hell no! When you marry, I can tell you now that Mom will not feel as if your wife is the right person for you--because Mom will feel protective and like she knows what kind of woman is best for you; it's what mothers do. In my case, I've never had any other serious boyfriends, so maybe this would have happened whether I ended up with Dan or with any other Tom, Dick, or Harry; Mom and Dad may very well have seen any romantic interest in my life as a threat to my doing what they thought I should be doing for myself. I think many parents have a tendency to feel that way, but most of them get over it! Tania has told me that none of the women her sons are with (including me) are the women that she would have picked for them; but she knows it was never her choice. She has conflicts with us sometimes, but she knows that her sons love us, and we make them happy, and at the end of the day, it is her sons' happiness [with their choice] that matters most--not her own. I feel that Mom and Dad are being incredibly selfish and stubborn by not realizing that, as they are not allowing me to live my own life and be happy where I am. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not living in a car, I'm not being beaten or abused in any way--I'm happier now than I've been since this whole conflict started. How is Dan not good enough for me? How do they think he could keep me from writing, or from going to graduate school? What kind of moron do they think I am if I would marry or stay with someone who tried to stop me doing the things I want to do? It doesn't seem to occur to them that maybe I'm doing what I want to be doing right now. I'm only 25! I've got the rest of my life to write the great American novel, I've got years to go back to school if I so choose. I will do those things if and when I am ready. I appreciate that they want me to do what they know I'm good at (and so do you), but I don't appreciate their assuming that only they know what is best for me, even though I am a married adult woman. Can you see what I'm saying? "My understanding of it all is that they feel Dan has gotten in the way of this, and their tough love they used to do to you motivated you to finish school when you had such a hard time doing that." If this is how they really feel, I take offense to it. It robs me of all the hard work I did, all the effort and time I put into my own education. This makes it sound like they take the credit for my finishing school, rather than my really buckling down, taking summer classes and busting my *** to do the best I could. Maybe they aren't trying to take credit, but that's the impression I had when I was in college, and this reaffirms it. Their "tough love" didn't help or motivate me, anyway, it angered me. Well, it did motivate me to get the hell out of their house. I remember arguing with Dad about how my not finishing school in 4 years was somehow an insult to him, that I owed it to him and to Mom to finish school within a certain time frame. Did they forget that I had a complete breakdown that mentally/emotionally crippled me for 2 years? That's where those 2 years were "wasted," and there's nothing I could have done about that. Perhaps if they hadn't been so tough on me, if they had shown some compassion and understanding, maybe I would have been much happier and graduated sooner. But I owe them nothing (and neither do you). Children don't owe their parents; if a child feels grateful for having a good life (as I do), that's one thing because it's coming from the child--but for a parent to demand gratitude and feel owed by their child is a competely different kettle of fish, and is, in my mind, completely counterproductive and selfish. Tough love and being made to feel like I owed them something drove me away. Maybe they see that, and are upset that I've moved so far away because they feel abandoned in a way. Of course I didn't move so far away to hurt them, but there was no way Dan could move to Tucson to be with me, because we'd have had no real support; here, we've got support up the wazoo, and it's the best possible place for us to be right now. Mom and Dad are so unsupportive and stuck in the past that, even when Dan and I do come to Tucson, they are risking not seeing me because Dan won't be welcome. My allegiance does not belong to them anymore, it belongs to my husband; where he is not welcome, I do not go. I don't think they realize just how much they are hurting me and my relationship with them by being so stubborn and not caring to try to work things out or see things from my point of view. "Now that I think more about it as im typing I think that mom and dad dont see Dan challenging you and making you a better person, which is something the person youre spending your life with should do, but idk thats my opinion not theirs." With all due respect, how could they possibly know what Dan does or does not do for me? They have no insight whatsoever into my life because they (well, at least Mom has) explicitly refuse to open their minds and hearts. I feel sorry for them, Sean, I really do, because it is such a terrible waste of brainpower and energy to hate someone they do not know for reasons they simply cannot support. It bothered me until just a couple of days ago that they couldn't just realize that they have been behaving appallingly and get over it; but I don't have room in my life anymore to blame myself and take it upon myself to please them. It seems obvious to me that I cannot please them no matter what I do right now, so I might as well please myself. They are not the focus of my life now that I am an adult, and they need to accept that. "All I know is everytime I think about the situation I cant say that I would love it if my daughter lied to me and wanted to be with someone i didnt agree with." I appreciate what you're trying to say, but play it out in your head completely and I think you'll see the point at which sense becomes nonsense. Yes, you would be disappointed in your daughter, and it wouldn't be the best way to be introduced to her relationship with her future husband--but would you really let it cloud your vision so much that you would refuse to go to your only daughter's wedding, and blame her for your not being there, when the only reason you didn't go is that you don't approve? Mom said that she didn't attend our wedding because she want to feel uncomfortable around people to whom I had "trash talked" about her (making it my fault); I wish she'd have told me the truth, which was that she wouldn't have attended my wedding to Dan if it had been held in her own backyard, and if I'd spoken nothing but gossamer words about her. It hurts that she made me feel that it was my fault that she didn't want to be there, when wild horses couldn't have made her go to my wedding! Anyway, back to my rhetorical questions: would you refuse to acknowledge your daughter's partner at Christmas or on birthdays, and even neglect to send them kind wishes on their anniversaries? Would you make her life a living hell trying to balance her own wishes for her life with yours--all because of one childhood lie? I don't think you would. "...You have a lot of potential but I dont know if you realize it." You're right that I have potential (we all do), but there is a difference between my realizing (knowing) I have potential and that potential being realized (i.e., doing something with it). Just because I haven't yet done what I am capable of doing in a few limited areas of my life (grad school, writing, etc.) does not mean that I am wasting my talents (as they seem to think I'm doing, and perhaps they've persuaded you, too). What I'm doing right now is enjoying settling down. My life has been so chaotic for so many years that I just need a break from everything except my new husband. I'm enjoying going to the same boring job every day, cooking the same meals every week, washing the same laundry all the time... Dan and I are building the foundations of a relationship that will last us for the rest of our lives, and I don't think that is a waste of my time or my life; it is a front-burner issue, and everything else is a back-burner issue for me right now. Our honeymoon period will only last so long, and I want to enjoy every minute of it while I can. I hope I don't sound too defensive in this e-mail, because my intention is to help you understand where I'm coming from, and how I view what's gone on. I respect your point of view and your opinions, and I'm very glad that you're happy for me, because I can see that you know what is important in life, and your support just increases my happiness... ------------------------ So that's it. It goes on for a bit, asking how he feels adoption has shaped his life; he has my Mom's attitude, that all the stuff we deal with here on the forums is conflagrated by psychologists who want to make money. I don't think he knows how close-minded his POV is, so I enlightened him a little bit in my next e-mail to him. He responded very positively to the above e-mail, though, and while he didn't have much specific to say (which I may ask him to try to put into words), he understood why it's been so difficult for me for so long. It feels good to be validated by someone in my adoptive family after so many years. I knew, if it came from anyone first, it would be him. I love my little bro! |
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