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Part of: emilyangel's Journal some days, i feel selfish |
Date Posted: 03-09-2005 at 03:00 PM Comments(0) |
| There have been so many days since the birth of Angel, that I've just felt like I made one of the most selfish choices of my life. I know it's ridiculous. I had NO money, was raising a toddler as it was, lived in a dirty home with my abusive ex-husband, (or soon-to-be ex, stupid paperwork!), and just... lonely and miserable. I know I did the right thing, and looking back am happy with the outcome, well, as 'happy' as one can be, I suppose. But, my problem is still the feeling of selfishness. I wanted to be able to move from NJ to CA. I wanted to have more time with my boyfriend, where we weren't stressed caring for a newborn, that he was never too keen on in the firstplace (not his birthchild, she was conceived in rape). I wanted to be able to save money, and give my toddler all she deserved as well. So many days, I feel so selfish for the choice to place. I could have done it. Really, why couldn't I? I could've begged, borrowed, done anything to feed my children, but I was just a kid myself... 22. Why can't I get over feeling like placing her was selfish of me? Just something to further myself, into being happy with ME and MY life. Jeez... ME ME ME ME ME... What's wrong with me???? She's 13 months old, well, just about... And I still just feel so over-whelmingly selfish... *sighs* |
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