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Part of: valleysally's Journal Maybe this time |
Date Posted: 06-02-2007 at 05:00 AM Comments(0) |
Mood: I have many times tried to write in a journal, but seem to have gotten one entry going and then forgotten about it. mostly because I try to summerize my entire life before I started writing..... that's going to be much harder now than the last time I tried to write in a journal, prolly about eek, 30 some odd years ago! I shall elude that problem be starting this journal in the here and now. (with occasional references to the circumstances that led up to my being on this site to begins with, that is Jasons' adoption!!!! I am becoming obsessed with adoption and I think it's healthy, since Jason doesn't at this time want anything to do with me, I am spending quite a lot of time on this site and talking to other people here, and reading about adoption here and in books I have bought. I am posting a lot of writings and ideas I have had. All this in order to deal with the extreme pain and guilt I am feeling now about Jasons' adoption. Funny, I have never really felt super guilty about it, but I think maybe I have been carrying around a low level underlying guilt about his adoption ever since he was born. And since I "found" him in January of this year on the deviant art site, and found out he was also a photographer who photoed bands, and I was moving back up north again, well Jason has been in the front of my mind like he never has before. I guess it's because, before, he was too young, and I thought it was better to stay out of his life at that time, and then when he got to 18, I wasn't paying attention cause I was still in LA and occupied with the horrendous time of life I was going through. So this is the first time of his life I have really been able to try to reach him. I was devastated when after I wrote him that he didn't reply. I was on cloud nine when I found him. I remember running around all over town showing everyone I knew the pictures I had downloaded at the library. I was so happy and it made me high in a way that I hadn't felt in a lot of years. I am so sorry to hear from Shirley that he isn't doing well, and is in therapy coping with depression, and taking 2 kinds of meds. She says I shouldn't feel guilty about that, but I am thinking why would she say that if it didn't have something to do with me, I'm not putting this vewry well. I mean, I wouldn't have thought to feel guilty about it, if she hadn't told me not to feel guilty! It makes me suspect that the problem does have something to do with me. that's the best I can explain it. I have been reading so much about how deeply hurt adoptivees are by being seperated from their bmoms. I had no idea. there was nothing I could have done different at the time I think, but I would have acted differently over the years and have tried to be a bigger presence in his life had I known. the hard thing is that the years have gone by and there's no going back OH I JUST HAD THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS IDEA.......WHEN JASON WAS BORN , I KNEW I HAD TO PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION, CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, MUCH LESS HIM, ........WELL.......IT SEEMS THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE A LIVING AND TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF SINCE THEN EITHER.......MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SUBCONCIOUSLY NEVER WANT JASON TO THINK THAT I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, CAUSE THEN HE WOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT MY GIVING HIM UP. I MEAN, IF I FIGURED OUT HOW TO SUPPORT MYSELF , THEN WHY DIDN'T I DO IT WHEN HE WAS BORN, BUT IF I NEVER LEARNED HOW, THEN HE NEVER HAS TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!! I may have something here. OK one breakthrough is wnough for the first entry, signing off early in the morning June 2 2007.................Sally |
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