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Part of: zxczxcasdasd's Journal Just can't stay away completely... |
Date Posted: 03-12-2007 at 12:09 AM Comments(0) |
So, in my time away, I've been going for several days without checking boards and I haven't posted anything new. Maybe I'm weaning myself.  Not sure yet.I've also used some of the time away to check out other adoption-related sites and HOLY COW! Can I just say that it's really hard to find a place, other than here, that's welcoming to everyone affected with adoption? My goodness, there are sites where aparents bash bparents and assume they are all evil and aparents are inherently saintly and always better than a biofamily, and sites where bparents speak of aparents as desperate baby-snatchers who must be either ignorant or selfish to think they take can just take someone's else baby to raise as their own. And BOTH sides call whomever dares to post dissenting opinions "trolls" or they just kick out or refuse permission to anyone not lining up with party politics or who doesn't own the same label and kiss the backsides of the self-appointed leaders of whichever movement or cause they espouse. Can we get any more dismissive of each other and more gloriously entrenched in our own righteous opinions? I don't care if there is some internet-related technical justification to "trolls". Trolls is demeaning and it's meant to be. That helps (sarcasm intended). I felt like moving away from this site because of the entrenchment and acrimony I saw here, but apparently I hadn't seen anything yet. Why must we be so myopic? I know that I'M what is or was best for MY child therefore whoever has the same label as me (whichever it is) is always what is best for the child. or Whatever MY reality is, is the ONLY reality, or at least the most important one, or the only one I care about. These positions are so unsupportable and so ridiculous, it's laughable. But it's also rampant. And glorified in many cases. I've learned a LOT from being here for which I'm grateful. And I learned them from being open to being correction and wanting to listen to all parties. And, as I said, I'm grateful for it. First of all, I've learned that "grateful" is a hot button. "Gratitude" makes some people feel obligated, indebted, and objects of charity rather than people. That's sad to me. I think gratitude should be freely given. And it's a great way to look at the world. It doesn't mean you owe anything or that you are some pitiful object, it just means you're grateful. I'm grateful my parents thought my education was more important to spend money on than cars or vacations or clothes. I'm grateful to anyone who has listened to me, loved me or contributed to my life and well being. I'm grateful to people who have helped me learn, encouraged and supported me. I'm grateful that my family is so loving and affectionate. There may be people who are grateful to me for what I've given them. I think that's great too. I think my son is grateful for the way I've mothered him. I'm grateful for the way he has "sonned" me. (I invented that- if "to mother" is a verb can "to son" be one too?) We all like to feel appreciated for what we have done. What's so evil about that? I've learned there was a whole generation of women (and probably several others before that) who were automatically considered to be unfit and were traumatized by the forcible removal of their babies at birth to people they had never met and didn't choose. That's tragic. I've learned there are many people with joyful healthy ongoing relationships with both their afamilies and bfamilies. I think a lot of people don't know this because they've never seen it and thus, can't conceive of it. But it's not only possible, it's real. There are also many families for which this is not possible because one side or the other has disfunctions or issues or behaviors that prevent it. I've learned there are many adoptees and bfamilies who long to be reunited and can't find each other because of complicated registry procedures or laws that prevent them from even obtaining records about their own lives. That just doesn't make any sense. I've learned that there are many people who feel little or no connection to their bio-relatives and have no desire to find or be found. I've learned there are parents who make their children responsible for their feelings rather than their own responsibility to deal with and who choose behaviors directed by initial emotional impulse rather than by principle. I've learned that if I were a bparent who had placed or were even pregnant and considering it, I would feel completely overwhelmed by the multitudes and multitudes of couples waiting, praying and hoping for a baby to drop from heaven (or my belly) to add to their family. It's a little scary, even if you're totally pro-adoption, how many people are intensely longing for a baby that they can't have so they have to get from somewhere or someone else. It does set up a very dangerous market condition where babies are the product for which demand greatly outstrips supply and thus creates pressure on agencies and pregnant young women to "deliver the goods." I think that aparents should not even consider adoption until they understand that their desire for a baby, no matter how strong, does not entitle them to a baby. I think aparents have a responsibilty to ensure that they and their agency/lawyer/whatever are truly ethical and that they only accept cases or children where adoption is necessary and freely chosen after all options are truly considered and processes are set up to make sure that the mother has been given every opportunity to change her mind about placing, rather than trying to prevent anyone from choosing to parent their child, where they are truly capable and willing but might be just scared, overwhelmed or suffering from lack of external support. Frankly, I think the same should be required of abortion providers. I think everyone should accept responsibility for their own actions, their own choices and the consequences that follow, even if they were unanticipated and unintended. That goes for all sides of the equation. Nobody's subsequent pain makes them not responsible for their own past or future choices or makes other people responsible to fix it. I've learned that if I were an adoptee, I would feel a little overwhelmed by all the contention over an issue in which I had no control and no choice, but which has so deeply affected my life. I would be adamant about at least determining my own adulthood and future, and be very defensive if I felt anyone was trying to take that away from me or put the burden of their choices onto me. I would want to tell everyone to get over themselves and please don't ask me to settle your disputes or justify your positions. Nothing you did when I was a child entitles you to ownership of my future life, no matter who you are or what you did. The essence of parenthood is to give the child their own life, so do that. Everyone-of all labels and clubs. No one is entitled to another person's life, no matter how you are related biologically or legally or how they benefitted from your actions. I've learned that if you're looking to be offended, or wanting to be (because it helps to villainize the other side, which make them easier to dismiss...they're just mean, or stupid), you will be. If you want an enemy, you'll find one. If you want to feel victimized, you'll find a reason to feel that way. If you're looking for the bad in people (or their posts) you'll find it. That will justify your own snarkiness, but it never justifies theirs. I've learned that if you compare the ideal of your position against the sad failures of the opposing position... what do you know? Your side looks GREAT and the other side looks foolish! Heaven forbid anyone point out the ideals of the other position or the sad failures of your own-that's just stereotyping and attacking. I've learned it's easy to assume that everything we write is measured with calm thoughtfulness, just stated directly and strongly. But those who disagree are angry and attacking. A lot of what I've learned has been encouraging and, clearly, some has been discouraging as well. Mostly I've learned that I have a lot to learn. And most importantly, if I could rewind to this summer, no matter how angry, offended or shocked I was at how or when my son's bmom contacted him and what she said, no matter how much I abhor her past words and actions, I would have reacted differently and maybe things would have calmed instead of getting worse. Maybe we could be corresponding cordially instead of each huffing and smarting at what the other said. Forget "if only she had acted differently". I would have acted differently. I would have understood her better and thus been able to show compassion rather than just express and defend my own, uninformed and myopic feelings. I would have cared about her position and not just my own. What a concept. |
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