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Part of: rilo kiley's Journal She wants to fly to California |
Date Posted: 06-10-2006 at 08:13 PM Comments(0) |
| She wants to fly to California! She said she's not good at "public displays." That she wouldn't want to meet me in the airport first, she'd want to take a taxi and then have me come meet her at a hotel. A hotel with a smoking room, mind you. I suffer greatly in small rooms with smoke. My eyes tear and I get stuffy and asthmatic if I stay too long. How do I tell her that? I've gotta plan a whole weekend outdoors where she can smoke at will. I thought I'd like to meet her. See her face in person. I poured over the pictures she sent me for days. Same jaw and eyes and everything. Now I'm not so sure. I always thought I'd have to be so ready to meet her. A success. A beautiful, wealthy, happy, together woman. Here I am. Am I ready? I've learned I don't have to be- but I could postpone our first face to face. I could. Do I do that too often? It seems in these last few years I've become so worried about being rejected that I am fearful all over the place. Overly sensitive. Self concious. I don't want to be that way around her. I want to be present. And proud. And be there. In whatever moment passes between us. I don't know if I'm ready yet... We're having our first phone call this Tuesday. 3 days away. I'm calling her that evening. 3 days. 3 days and I'll hear her voice. That Minnesotan high pitched girly voice that I grew up with, probably. It sounds like home. I'm worried about what she'll think about me. My voice was stripped of that high pitched nasel sound years ago. Years of living in the North East. Years of living overseas. Years of studying voice and speech. They scolded that sound right out of me. The other day my mother (amom) told me all how she told her cousin that my birth mother and I are in contact. Mom's cousin, Lisa, was the only other adoptee I knew growing up. She's 10 or 15 years younger than my mom, near the age of my bmom, actually. Growing up, Lisa was more like an absent Aunt, I spent the night at her apartment a few times, she took me rollerskating when I was 10, little memories here and there. Anyway, it's always been made very clear to me, by my mom, that Lisa never felt the need to search. That she's very happy with her mom and dad and has no reason to look for anyone else. Mom's always used this point of telling me about Lisa's feelings on her adoption as a way to get me to tell her about my own. It's very strange. Lisa and I have never spoken about it. Mom told me after she told Lisa that Lisa kept saying how she "didn't feel the need to search," "would never do that to her real mom and dad," doesn't "understand people searching" and mom kept getting more and more animated and angry. It was like she was scolding me for searching. I waited so long to begin this process to protect her. To listen to her wishes. It's fine that I have, but for her to go on and on about Lisa's point of view was insulting and tiresome. I know her view- you've shared it with me a thousand times sort of thing. And if the only person I knew growing up who was also an adoptee is unsupportive of relationship with my birth mother- that's fine, it's her business- or her and my mother's business- since she is supporting my mother- but she wasn't telling me- so why must my mother tell me all about it? She's like a high school girl with gossip. She told me all the hurtful things the rest of my family have said. If she wanted to tell me so that I could support her- because her feelings were hurt- that would be one thing- but she is telling me to shame me, and or to paint herself as a martyr. Which is a role she is very comfortable inhabiting. Last night she threw the phone (it was on speaker) and screamed at my father that she wouldn't speak to me and swore. She used to just hang up on me, for years. Until I finally said- you cannot treat me like that- I will not talk on the phone with you if you insist on disrespecting me in that way. Anyway, my birthmother wants to fly to California to meet me. I'm not so sure in 2 months that I'll be able to handle that. I got a little carried away with the fantasy when she brought it up and how excited she was, but now, I'm not so sure. I'd of course want to meet her, just not sure this soon is such a good idea. I feel bad about getting so upset another member of the forums. Her life is very different than mine. Her view on the world is very different from mine. I just got my period today and think I was overly sensitive and emotional the last few days. I can't take any thoughts I had back- only recognize and grow from the experience. |
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