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Part of: purplewyo1's Journal on the ocean of emotion |
Date Posted: 05-30-2006 at 06:58 AM Comments(0) |
| Well, at the moment I have a hunch that birth mother has gotten home and has had contact with her family. I don't know how I know that. But it is just so strong in my heart. I am waiting with every ounce of my patience. This weekend I sent a couple of longer messages and about 4 photos of myself that were more recent, one taken of me the same day I sent it. I have so many emotions. And I know I should not be ungrateful, I know there are others out there who have had absolutely nothing positive in searches of many many years. Yet I am feeling very yucky feelings today... It is like a comment quite aptly made by someone else here, I am feeling nervous that these newly found family will not like me anymore after I share more about who I am. That typical river of rejection/acceptance that has so much pull with us who have walked this path of adoption. Since receiving the baby pic, I have also received a few recent photos of birth mother. BTW, IMO we are exact ringers, a couple of decades apart in age. Same reaction from my good friends, "Wow! (astonished gasp) Is that your mother? (tears in eyes) You look just like her!" Right now am suffering with my own feelings that the silence is deafening... no return comments from bfamily since last week... I know there are probably really normal reasons for this that I cannot see from here, only guessing, and yet there is that overriding hunch that she has spoken with them and that this silence will continue... My quandry is, do I continue to share of myself with no responses from them? Is that the same as pushing? After they have asked directly to know all about me??? I don't want to push, but I don't want to seem hesitant either. Also dealing with a change in my afamily. This weekend I went with dh to Mom and Dad's for holiday bbq. After the painful reveal to Mom of bmother's recent photo, I wrote down my love for Mom & Dad in letter and still have that, did not mention *anything* of my search during time with them yesterday, even though Mom hinted at it twice, I did not volunteer anything. This at the advice of dh who said I should just give them some time, and am waiting until they directly bring it up so I can openly reassure them of my love. Thank God for support from dh and brother, who I can still talk to about search details openly. But I am learning that it is wiser to put "bumpers" around this experience so I don't inadvertently wound my afamily with enthusiasm for the healing that comes with new disclosures from bfamily. Still hoping, always hoping, to make a direct positive connection. Trying to continue my current normal life without letting all this sink my normal routine entirely. |
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