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Part of: bubblest's Journal My pity party |
Date Posted: 05-18-2006 at 12:58 PM Comments(0) |
| I had to take a break from my story for awhile because I've been having a hard time dealing with my FD being gone. For about a week I could think about her without being upset and was actually getting impatient for my next placement...hopefully my "forever" baby. Then I was driving home and had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I just love her so much and miss her and worry about her. That night I was working out with my friend "M" and started crying again. We talked for a long time and I think I was feeling very guilty about being excited for my next baby. It feels disloyal to my FD to be able to move on without her and to transfer my love for her to another child. It also feels disloyal to my next child because what if I don't love them as much? Rationally I know that my FD is too young to remember me, being sad for the rest of my life will not help anyone. I need to move on, but its the hardest thing I've ever done. As far as love goes, when I'm thinking clearly I know I will love any baby placed with me. I just hope next time I'll be able to guard my heart a little more until everything is said and done....yeah right!! Mothers Day was just another reminder of what I've lost. The whole time my FD was with me I was looking forward to my first Mothers Day. The SWs were so sure she would stay with me. They had told me that even if she didn't remain with me it would take at least 6 months for bio father to prove he could care for her so I had an image in my mind of how we would spend the day. Instead of those fun plans, I went shopping. Not little necessary shopping, but big huge $300 spent within 2 hours shopping. I've been so good about staying on a budget..this was definitely retail therapy that I felt guilty about before I even got home...although not guilty enough to return anything!! Ha, Ha!! Ever since I've decided to adopt I've been budgeting myself as if I was paying for daycare, but putting that money in savings. My thought was that it would be hard enough to adjust to parent as a single mom without having to adjust to spending like a single mom at the same time. My parents came over for Mother's day dinner so that was nice. They miss my FD too and are very understanding about how I feel. It's good to be in the company of someone who can relate. As foster grandparents they became VERY attached and are eager for the next granchild to spoil. Dad keeps asking if I would consider "regular adoption" or artificial insemination so I don't have to "loose" another one. I have to keep explaining that there is nothing I would dislike more than having swollen feet and ankles, morning sickness and gaining another 30-50 pounds all by myself. I would really need a boyfriend or husband to rub my feet, hold my hair and go on grocery runs!!  I also really enjoyed being part of the foster care system and providing a safe place to a baby whose bio mom was not able to care for her. It felt like I was make a difference and fulfilling my need for a child at the same time. My agency does both foster to adopt and birthparent adoption plans so I have started to open up more to the idea of having my profile shown to potential birth mothers. Before I really focused on the foster care system. I've been asked to create an updated profile since they only have the one I put together quickly back in September. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, though. That's my plan for this weekend. Hopefully I can come up with something. OK...enough of my pity party! I need to do at least some work today! Thank you for listening/reading. |
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